


Moonlight

by Messrmoonyy



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Canon compliant but also not really as we go on, Eventual Smut, F/M, Fluff, M/M, Marauders, Mentions of alcoholism, Mutual Pining, Remadora, Remus stress smokes, Unexpected Pregnancy, and my first ever remadora fic, because Harry is about as observant as a Brick wall, because remadora and wolfstar can exist in thesame timeline, but I mean it could be, idk how tags really work here, slight OOC as this is my viewing of them, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-25
Updated: 2021-01-17
Packaged: 2021-03-08 18:54:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 90,189
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27191344
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Messrmoonyy/pseuds/Messrmoonyy
Summary: following the story of remus lupin and nymphadora tonks from Order of the phoenix and onwards
Relationships: Andromeda Black Tonks/Ted Tonks, Remus Lupin/Nymphadora Tonks, nymphadora tonks/charlie weasley(past), remus lupin/sirius black(past)
Comments: 37
Kudos: 49





	1. First Impressions

For a morning in July it was unusually cold.

Condensation was building on the windows and a little tawny owl named Mabel had her face tucked under her wing, trying to stay as warm as she could. The owl had previously belonged to Andromeda Black and was so unbelievably old now that Nymphadora was surprised the bird even felt the cold at all, it looked half dead most of the time that she was surprised it had any feelings at all.

But she occasionally stuck her head out of the open window and quickly recoiled, hiding her little face again to stay warm. Or maybe it was that ever present smell that London just seemed to hold so early in the morning. Or maybe she was just trying to block out the screeching noise sounding through the flat, the charmed alarm clock hiding somewhere in the varying piles of mess scattered around.

Nymphadora was late for a meeting. Again.

She charged around her flat, hopping as she tried to pull on her jeans which she kept accidentally sticking her foot through the rip on the knee, as well as search for the damned alarm clock that was attacking her ears, and Mabels, at an increasingly loud volume.

She had a slightly tarnished reputation for being unbelievably bad at time keeping, so the Christmas before she qualified as an auror Mad-eye had gifted her with a little muggle alarm clock. He had told her it was so she could be on time and it would have the added bonus of settling her amazement at muggle items at the same time. Little did she know he'd charmed the bloody thing, so it knew when she needed to go to work and would jump off of her dresser and blare louder and louder until she found it and shut it up. It would even alert her of emergancy call outs. It was a frightful thing but she guessed it did its job.

Most of the time anyway.

Mabel eventually grew tired of the noise and went flapping out of the window to escape the sound, choosing to brave the cold rather than sit and listen to the racket of the clock, clearly hoping that after a little fly around the noise might have stopped.

She eventually found the clock, hiding under the sofa after tripping as her foot yet again went through the rip on the knee of her jeans. She went flying, face planting the floor with a loud thud and a groan. She finally got into her jeans and huffed in annoyance, quickly buttoning them up.

" there you bloody are " she patted around under the sofa until she grabbed the clock, yanking it out and smacking it with her wand. It finally shut up screaming at her, the little bells stopping their incessant ringing. Her ears were ringing from the racket it had made, it was a good job that the witch living in the flat below her was deaf as a post. She wondered if Mad-eye had helped find the flat specifically because of the deaf witch downstairs. She fell over and dropped things so often that if a person that could hear was below her, well. She'd have been evicted months ago.

She got up from the floor, tossing the alarm clock onto her bed, and grabbed her jacket which took her three attempts to button up as her sleepy fingers refused to cooperate. She didn't know why Mad-eye felt the need to hold order meetings so bloody early in the morning. Especially on days when she wasn't even due to work and she was able to have a rare day in bed. Though order meetings were far more exciting than work was.

After attempt number three at her jacket she gave up and left it wrongly buttoned, before taking a breath and apparating out of her flat.

She landed on the front step of 12 Grimmauld place with a crack, mildly impressed with herself as she had developed a habit of always missing the top step. Sirius had found that hilarious the first time he had seen her do it, landing on the very edge of the top step and slipping down to land at the bottom. Sirius had simply stood at the front door and laughed at her, offering no help at all. But she probably would have done the same to him. But today she made it slip free.

She went charging through the door when she realised that she was probably even more late than she had been to begin with, taking long strides down the hall and dodging kreacher as she went who was mumbling about the filthy mudblood and halfbreeds in the house and how sorry he was to his poor mistress. He spent most of the day cleaning the gilded frame that Walburga Blacks portrait hung in. Sirius liked to keep the veil covering it so she couldn't see who was walking past.

Her first time in the house the veil had been open, Walburga sleeping in her frame. She'd gone bounding down the hall and tripped over her own feet and Walburga had woken up. She had screeched and screamed at the blood traitors in her house, Sirius had yanked the veil straight back over her and after a while she had finally shut up. Though she had started to notice that kreacher had a habit of lifting the veil when Sirius wasn't close by.

She dodged the miserable elf as he made his way up to the portrait and rolled her eyes.

At the end of the hall In 12 Grimmauld place was an an umbrella stand. A bloody ugly one too, made out of the severed foot of a troll. She knew it was there, yet she managed to trip over the damned thing every single time she was in the building. She was mildly convinced that Sirius was moving it to ensure she tripped on it as he found it highly amusing every time she did. So of course, as if it was tradition, she tripped right over it at the end of the hall. Her clunky boots catching on the horrid thing.

She braced for the impact of a second face plant of the morning, but as she fell the door to the drawing room at the end of the hall had opened. And so instead of her face smacking into the threadbare carpet of the hall she had landed on something else, _Someone_ else, knocking them down with her. Her chin smashed against their head and they let out a grunt of pain. She too groaned as she came to land on top of the mystery victim to her accidental tackle.

She then laughed slightly as she lifted her head, propping herself up with her hands. She blew her bright pink hair from her face to see who it was exactly she'd knocked down. It was with a twinge of embarrassment that she came to realise she didn't recognise them.

" oh! Sorry! " she pushed her self back to sit on her heels and rubbed at her chin that had collided with the mystery persons head.

" what a way to say hello, body slamming someone to the floor. You always make a good first impression didn't you Tonksie " she heard Sirius say from inside the room and she didn't even have to look at him to know he was smirking at her. He always had that stupid smirk plastered across his face.

" are you okay? " she asked at the same time as the man who was just sitting up too ,looking a little dazed at being taken out by a sprinting Tonks first thing in the morning. He was rubbing his head but smiling at her and laughed ever slightly with a nod "yeah yeah i'm fine. Always falling over me "

" good. I'm fine, thank you for the wake up" she took a moment to pause, in mild awe of the man she had accidentally tackled to the floor. She definitely didn't recognise him and with the red lines of scars trailed across his face she'd definitely have remembered a face like that. He was good looking _, really_ good looking. Well, to her anyway. She had a feeling some of her friends might not agree, but _merlin_ she couldn't help but stare. He was _fit._

She was very aware she was absolutely staring at him. But. He was staring too. And they both came to realise at the same time that people were watching them, both of them flushing red. Though he did have a small smile tugging at his lips and she had the slightest thought that maybe - hopefully - he liked slightly awkward girls that tackled him to floor first thing in the morning. One could hope.

" are you two going to stay on the floor or actually come and join the meeting? " Mad-eye said gruffly and Tonks jumped to her feet, thrusting her hand out to help the man up too. He accepted with a nod and she bounced into the room, plonking herself down in the seat beside Sirius. Very much trying to hide the slight embarrassment creeping over her.

" wotcher Mad-eye " she said with a grin as she had passed and simply got his usual scowl back " careful there, if the wind changes direction your face will stay like that " Sirius snickered beside her but Mad-eye, who was used to her teasing, simply ignored her. He had grown used to her mischief and teasing from having trained her up to be the auror she was today. The first day she had met him she had told him a joke about carrots and it aiding his eyesight and from then on he had been subjected to her tyrant of joking and pranks. But he didn't even seem to care anymore.

" for the benefit of my very late student, this is Remus Lupin, He's graciously accepted Dumbledore's offer to re-join the order. Remus, Nymphadora Tonks "

" just Tonks " she chimed in but sunk down in her chair slightly at Mad-eyes glare. That mechanical eye always had freaked her out a bit, especially when it was swivelling right at her.

She held back the urge to say another joke about carrots.

" right. Down to business " she tuned him out almost immediately as he began asking around what everyone had discovered or done in the time since their last meeting, collecting reports and asking a dozen questions. Starting with Hestia who had an awful habit of prattling on and on for ages, most of the time about nothing with any importance either.

She started rocking back and forth in her chair, chewing on the sleeve of her jumper as she glanced around the room at all the members of the order that were present. She liked being in the order it made her feel like someone was taking her seriously for once. But god were some of the members a bore. She had joked a week after Mad-eye had recruited her that if she had known how perfectly dull Sturgis and Hestia were she wouldn't have accepted the job. That was a lie of course but she did always enjoy pissing off her old mentor. Quite frankly she thought that even if it would mean she had to sell a limb and then go and fight Buckbeak _and_ a red cap blindfolded she still would have taken the job.

It was quite exciting living a double life, working inside the ministry and filing back anything she knew directly to the order. She was an asset, that's what Dumbledore had said when she joined, an asset. But it wasn't half tiring. Her jobs inside the ministry to help the order mainly consisted of helping to protect Harry's prophecy and keep the scent off of Sirius.

The aurors had been after him for so long now that he often became the ministers port of call if someone needed to be blamed for something. Anything to move people away from thinking Voldemort was back. She had never believed in the stories of what Sirius had done. Her mother had told her that. How could anyone ever have thought that Sirius Black, practically the brother to James Potter, could have ever betrayed him.

She had met her cousin a handful of times before he had been sent to Azkaban. She had been too young to really remember him much other than him being the tall funny cousin with the long wild hair that she had copied straight away. That she hadn't understood why he never came around anymore or why it made her mother cry when she turned her hair into the wild black mane to match Sirius' .

But now they were thick as thieves, Molly always joking that Tonks was practically the female version of her cousin as they were so similar. Not that she minded, they had a lot in common and it was nice to know that someone from her mothers side of the family wasn't a complete nutter and had some decent views.

Molly was one of the other order members she really did love. She had been very close to the Weasleys since school after she had befriended, and briefly dated, Charlie Weasley. And Molly felt like a second mum to her now, sometimes she'd even go to her for advice rather than her actual mum. Andromeda was always very serious and slightly cold in her advice though she was softening with age, where as Molly was always there to sit and listen and offer her a hug at the end. And a knitted sweater or scarf at Christmas of course.

As her eyes drifted around the room they came to land on Remus. He looked rather anxious, his fingers restless on the table. Maybe it was first meeting nerves. She too had a habit of fidgeting that her mother had scolded her for her entire life, but hers was usually down to the unbelievable amount of energy she always had. Remus didn't seem like the bouncing-of-the-walls-with-unused-energy type of person. More of a sit-and-watch-the-others-bounce-around type of person.

From where she was sat she could see he had a small bruise forming on his head from where she had smacked into him. Wonderful first impression that had been. She kept watching him, the way his face subtly moved when something was said that he found interesting or boring, how his hands still seemed so restless.

She'd always had a thing for people watching, trying to decipher as much as she could about someone just from how they looked. And Remus was no exception. She took him in from head to toe. She noted that he seemed like he needed a hair cut, his hair was ever so slightly dangling in his eyes and every now and again he pushed it away only for it to slip back again.

His clothes were a little old looking, a little too big for him and looked as if they had been worn to almost death and had gone through a million patching charms. But most of all she was curious about the long lines of scars on his face. She liked a face that held stories and his must hold some with scars like that.

They covered a good portion of his face, as if something had slashed him straight across the middle. They stretched across form up on the left side of his forehead down to the right side of jaw and onto his neck. It was a miracle he still had his eyes by the looks of things. She couldn't tell if they were new or not. They had a look of old scars, white against his already pale skin, but were tinged red around the edges. She wondered what had attacked him.

He turned his head ever so slightly then and she felt her cheeks flush at being caught very much staring at him and she pretended to be intrigued by the other sleeve of her jumper that she wasn't chewing on. She chanced another glance up a moment later and saw that he had a small smile on his face. At least he wasn't weirded out by her obvious ogling. Well, he didn't seem to be anyway.

He was the only person in the whole room that she didn't know and yet she already just knew that he was going to be the most interesting and she was practically bouncing with anticipation to get to know him. It was an added bonus that he wasn't too bad on the eye either she guessed. She could already feel a million questions building in her head that she wanted to know, and she had to remind herself that you couldn't just assault strangers with questions.

And besides, asking someone with scars so traumatic looking how they got them probably wasn't the best ice breaker.

She was snapped out of her daydreams by their new mission rota being passed around the table and she noted immediately that she had been paired with Remus on a few missions and her anticipation grew. The meeting was called to a close then and everyone dispersed other than Sirius who elbowed her as people filed out the room, muttering goodbyes as they went.

" hey be careful there I think there's a little... what is that? Drool? " she elbowed him back and he faked immense pain as he gripped at his side. Absolute drama queen

" you're mental you are "

" oh am I? Excuse you but I'm not the one that just spent the last merlin knows how long giving googly eyes to my best friend "

had it really been a long time? he was gonna think she was a right nutter now. Not only had she crashed into him, she'd spent the best part of an entire order meeting staring at him. There went that first impression again.

" you so fancy him " she scoffed and slammed her chair back down onto the floor, mildly impressed that she'd managed to keep it balanced on the two legs the entire meeting and not toppled. She'd done that a few weeks ago and had thought Mad-eye was going to kill her once and for all. Especially as the loud noise had woken Walburga with kreacher having raised the veil again.

" I do not. I only just met him " Sirius raised an eyebrow at her and shrugged.

" so? I didn't say you're in love did I? Just that you fancy him. You can fancy someone without knowing them you know. And I can't fault your choice "she rolled her eyes and opened her mouth to say something but she heard someone clear their throat " speak of the devil " she turned towards the doorway and saw Remus had returned, standing a little awkwardly in the doorway.

" hello... can I join you? I was going to sit with the others but it's only been 5 minutes and i've already had enough of Hestia and her dramatic over exaggerations " Tonks smiled and rocked back in her chair again, her jumper sleeve back between her teeth " she hasn't changed at all has she? "

" Wotcher Remus, be our guest " she gestured to the seat he had previously occupied and he sat down opposite her. She noticed him fiddling with his hands again, the man seemed to be a walking advertisement for anxiety.

" I think I should give a proper introduction for you both, one in which you aren't wrestling each other " Sirius said and gestured between the pair of them " Remus Lupin, Nymphadora Tonks. Nymphadora Tonks, Remus Lupin"

" don't. Call me Nymphadora " her hair flashed red at the use of her godforsaken first name and Remus looked at her with a look of surprise.

" you're a metamorphmagus? " she morphed her hair every colour of the rainbow in answer, then shifting her nose to that of a dogs just for good measure. He looked at her in complete awe, his mouth slight agape " I've never met one before. An extremely rare gift you have there " she smiled and changed her hair back to its standard pink.

" it has its uses. Used to get me in trouble all the time at school though. I'd morph into Snape in the middle of potions class. That man hated my guts, the amount of house points I lost because of him " she couldn't help but laugh at the memory of the first time she'd managed to do it, he had been yelling at her for being late and as he had turned back to look at her she had morphed into him. She'd gotten detention for 2 weeks straight for that. She heard both Sirius and Remus mutter at the mention of Snape.

" we had our own fun with snivellus " Tonks gave him a questioning look and he nodded at Remus " we went to school together, all three of us " she practically felt her eyes glinting with mischief and looked over to Remus expectantly.

" tell me every single embarrassing thing Sirius has ever done ever. Immediately " Remus laughed at that and leant back in his chair and she noticed he seemed to be relaxing a little. His hands still not settled but not as fidgety as they had been.

" there's not enough hours in this lifetime to even cover half of it " Sirius started to protest but ended up agreeing.

" oh come onnnn give me something. I gotta have something to blackmail this git with " he seemed to think for a moment before speaking.

" okay what about... the millions of times he got caught in the broom cupboard with Marlene or any other of his little posse of admirers? Or when he somehow managed to get dressed but come down to breakfast with no trousers on? Oh, or the time he got too drunk and stripped almost naked and started singing ABBA in the fountain down in the courtyard? " Tonks turned to Sirius with wide eyes and clapped her hands together.

" you did _what_ in the fountain?! "

*  
 _The celebration party for what felt like the millionth Gryffindor quidditch win was finally starting to wind down. It had gotten ever so slightly out of hand earlier and McGonagall had already been to the common room twice to tell them all they should quiet it down a little as it wasn't fair on the first years who probably just wanted to sleep. He didn't mention that they had been some of the rowdiest and he'd had to wrestle alcohol from their hands._

 _He wasn't against underage drinking but not_ that _underage._

_Sirius was getting rowdier as the party grew quieter, having drunk way too much of the firewhiskey that he'd managed to some how sneak in again. He was rowdy at the best of times, never mind on half a bottle of whiskey. Most of the other party goers had dispersed back to their beds but it seemed to be just getting started for Sirius._

_Peter was curled up on one of the sofas some how fast asleep, Remus guessed he too had probably partook in a little bit of the firewhiskey himself and now he'd be out for the count until tomorrow morning. He'd always been a bit of a lightweight and was a deep sleeper at the best of times. He could probably go over there and wallop him around the head with his book and he'd still stay fast asleep._

_Remus had had a little to drink himself, but had put himself on chief 'make sure Sirius doesn't make too much of a prat of himself' duty. So had moved on from drinking to partaking in the occasional cigarette to steady his constant nerves instead. Another thing that Sirius had managed to sneak in._

_James had snook off with lily a good half hour ago and Remus was still in shock that she'd finally relented after years of James practically harassing her. She spent the majority of her time complaining about him when she and Remus would study together. Though maybe with the help of some whiskey she had come to see that yes, James potter was an absolute tosser sometimes, but he had a good heart. A good heart that seemed to only beat for Lily Evans. And Sirius black of course, the bromance to end all bromances._

_" -you can dance! You can jive! " Remus placed down his book for a moment, looking at where the sound was coming from from his seat in the corner and squashing out the butt of his cigarette into an ash tray. He half debated lighting up another but was distracted by the creator of the noise._

_" bloody hell " he sighed as Sirius climbed up onto one of the tables, no shoes on his feet, his tie hanging untied around his neck and his shirt open, his old leather jacket slipping off one shoulder " dig in the dancing queen! " he sighed and debated that he should probably try and wrestle him down and put him into bed._

_He was already picturing Sirius falling off and smacking his head on something. It could not end well. There was hardly anyone left in the common room but Sirius didn't seem to mind at his lack of an audience and simply sang louder, belting out the lyrics to the small gathering of people. Remus lit up another cigarette with a sigh._

_How could one have steady nerves when around a drunk Sirius black?_

_"moony! " absolutely no one else was paying attention to him but he didn't seem to care in the slightest, because Remus was " you're a teaser you turn them on! " he kept dancing around on the table, slipping slightly as his socks failed to give him any grip on the shiny wood " leave me burning and then you're gone! " he pointed his hand up in the air then dramatically dropped to his knees for a moment._

_" What an absolute prat " Remus muttered to himself and shook his head with a sigh, leaning his head back to blow smoke up towards the ceiling. His head quickly snapped back up as he heard a band , and he watched as Sirius jumped down from the table and made a wobbly walk over to where Remus say watching him. He tripped slightly on the leg of a ravenclaw boy who was passed out snoring on the floor as he went._

_"dancing queen! " he only laughed though as he regained his balance and grabbed onto Remus' tie as he reached his little quiet spot by the window in the corner of the common room " young and sweet. Only seventeen " his voice had dropped ever so slightly and Remus swallowed thickly at his closeness, even in his drunken state Sirius knew what he was doing and he gave him that stupid smirk of his. He plucked the cigarette from between Remus' lips and took a drag of it himself, before placing it back. He hated him. He hated him so much._

_" I think you need to go to bed pads. You're drunk. Really drunk " Remus said quietly. Sirius was still smirking at him and leant a hand by his head against the wall, getting in his space and he could smell the whiskey and smoke on his breath._

_" don't tempt me moony don't tempt me" his words slurred but it still made Remus feel like he had a whole swarm of Cornish pixies flapping around in his stomach. He'd noticed that happening a hell of lot more just lately._

_" Sirius- " the song changed and Sirius moved away then and cheered loudly , throwing his hands into the air_

_" I love this one! "_

_" can't we play something else? I'm bored of bloody ABBA " a hufflepuff that Remus didn't even recognise piped up_

_" do not. Disrespect ABBA! " Sirius reached for the bottle of firewhiskey again and Remus decided it was definitely the time to intervene now. Sirius was no stranger to making a complete fool of himself but Remus liked to keep it to a minimum. He stubbed out his cigarette and got to his feet._

_" Sirius. Bed " he plucked the bottle from his hand but he didn't even seem to notice as he'd gotten a new idea in his head._

_" lets go outside! " he was stumbling off with a small group following him before Remus could even attempt to stop him. He hurried after the group of people through the portrait hole. He followed the small group through the halls whispering apologies to the portraits that Sirius woke as he passed. Merlin knows how they actually managed to get outside without being caught._

_" Sirius! " as they made it out into courtyard he pushed his way through the little crowd and he smacked his hand onto his forehead. Sirius was almost stark naked in the fountain, still dancing around as if he could hear the music outside._

_" gimme gimme gimme a man after midnight! " Remus knew there'd be a teacher out here sooner rather than later and he charged forward and grabbed his arm, scooping up his friends soaked clothes with his free hand._

_" Sirius! Inside! "_

_" shut up moony! Stop being so boring! " Remus groaned and tried to pull him out of the water fountain, whilst also shoving his clothes at him " there's not a soul out there! No one to hear my prayers! " Sirius grabbed onto Remus and yanked him forward and they toppled into the water together_

_" Padfoot what are you doing! Wait. Moony?! " James appeared through the crowd, lily holding his hand clearly the gathering has disturbed their private little make out somewhere near the courtyard._

_" Remus? What on earth- " lily said looking at her friend as he tried to wipe water from his face, pushing his ever growing curls away from his eyes._   
_James burst out laughing which Sirius took as a an encouragement and started belting out the song again_

_" aye prongsie! gimme gimme gimme! "_

_" pool party! " James said and tried to join the pair of them but lily yanked him back again with a glare that told him if he valued his life, he should definitely stay put. And james being as under the thumb as he was with lily Evans, went back to her side._

_" Sirius. Come on. We're going to get in trouble again, we already have a months worth of detention to do for the chair prank " that had been an incredibly good prank, they had charmed all the legs of the chairs in the defence against the dark arts classroom to turn to jelly as soon as someone sat on them. It had been well over a week ago now but every now and again one chair would collapse in the middle of a lesson._

_Sirius continued to yell out the lyrics to the song as Remus tried to wrestle Sirius back into his soaked shirt. Sirius just raised an eyebrow_

_" you know it's much more fun taking me out of my clothes, not putting them on " Remus scoffed and and wrapped Sirius tie back over his shoulders_

_" I'll take your word for it pads "_

_" mr Black! Mr Lupin! What on earth are you doing! " it was as if he'd jinxed it, thinking they'd get caught. Remus blinked through the water in his eyes as McGonagall appeared, the laughter of James and the others falling to silence. She stood with her hands folded over her chest and a stern look on her face " care to explain yourselves? " Sirius simply answered by puking up his firewhiskey into the fountain._   
_*_

Tonks had summoned them all a glass of butterbeer during the story and she had been laughing so much her stomach was aching, spluttering most of her butterbeer across the table.

" ABBA huh? " Sirius didn't even look embarrassed by the story and was sipping at his drink with a smile on his face. As if happily recalling the memories of a night of singing and puking into fountains.

" hey. Don't knock ABBA " she chose to ignore the slight feeling she had that what Remus had described between him and Sirius seemed to be a little more than met the eye and instead focused on another point that she was curious about.

" what's with the nicknames? What was it moony and? "

" Padfoot. Cause You know " he morphed into his animagus form as a way of finishing his sentence. The large black dog jumped onto the table and rolled onto its back, barking and then licking her face.

" oi get off! " she said with a laugh and held her arms out to keep him away. He barked again before morphing back just as fast as he had the first time, gesturing to himself " padfoot. Dog " She nodded and wiped the dog slobber from her face with a frown.

" and what about moony? " they both seemed a little reluctant to tell her and she noticed Remus avoiding her gaze for a moment " what? " Sirius gestured to Remus as if giving him the right to answer the question or not. He hesitated before sighing.

" well you'll find out sooner or later anyway..... I'm a werewolf " Remus looked at her from the corner of his eyes, like he was waiting for her to be disgusted in him or to run away from him in fear. But she did neither.

" you called a werewolf moony? Really? that's the most uncreative name I've ever heard " he looked at her suddenly, at her clear lack of interest in the fact that she now knew his condition. It made her heart hurt slightly, that that was the reaction he would usually have.

She knew the way people saw werewolves. They were outcast. They rarely had jobs. Places to live. Tonks had been afraid of them when she was younger but she had learnt as she grew older not to judge people so quickly. And yes there were bad werewolves. But not all of them were. Being a werewolf didn't make you a bad person. In Tonks eyes, it actually made them pretty fucking strong that they were able to survive that. Especially the ones that didn't harm people intentionally. She just knew that Remus was one of those people.

" should have heard Peters "

+++++

Tonks had gone back to her flat that evening only to have been summoned to work in an emergency from fudge barely 5 minutes after getting into bed.

She stumbled half asleep through the ministry atrium and tried to wake herself up as she made her way to level 2 to the auror offices. She was the last one there as usual. Kingsley was there and she almost forgot that she shouldn't act too friendly with him, order Tonks was friends with Kingsley. But auror Tonks only knew him as a colleague. A boss.

" sorry to call you all at this late hour but we've had news of a sighting of Sirius black " Fudge said and for a brief moment Tonks felt a shiver down her spine. But she knew no one could have possibly seen him, he was basically on house arrest in Grimmauld place. It was just going to be a wild goose chase because of some greedy witch or wizard wanting the reward money again " He's been spotted in Brighton within the last hour or so. I want you all down there immediately. I want the entire place cleared. No stone unturned. And there seems to be a sharp incline in unregistered werewolves and anamagi. So keep an eye out. Especially the werewolves, with the new laws in place I'm sure they'll be getting a little rowdy "

The laws regarding werewolves were getting tighter by the week, death eaters were attacking more people and there was whispers amongst the order that Fenrir Greyback was back in the country again. So werewolves were becoming just as much a ministry cop out for blame as Sirius was. It made her blood boil that those poor wizards and witches that had been inflicted with lycanthropy, that already led horribly sad life's being despised by everyone, were being blamed for things they hadn't done. She wondered if Remus knew about the new laws. Maybe that was why he had been so anxious at the meeting.

" the _whole_ of Brighton? " Tonks found herself saying without quite meaning to and Fudge gave her a look of annoyance.

" yes auror Tonks. The _whole_ of Brighton. This is a very dangerous man, we can't have him running around at such a threat to both magical folk and muggles. Now go" she held back a sigh and they all grabbed their brooms

They spent hours flying around Brighton, freezing to their damn brooms as they hid in clouds at the sight of any muggles that happened to be around so late at night. The ministry issued auror robes offered absolutely no protection from the cold weather and even with her old hufflepuff quidditch jumper on underneath she was freezing.

" Dezzle only went and found a Wolf didn't he! " Tonks startled slightly as auror Fawley flew up next to her as she sat surveying the docks for any sign of foul play to look busy " well. Say he found one. He ran off before he could get him. He's come down this way apparently "

" good for Dezzle " she'd only met Remus that day yet she suddenly felt so unbelievably inclined to stand up for him. And the mistreatment of people like him. More and more werewolves were being brought in each day, both registered and not. She'd have to warn Remus to keep a low profile " how anyway? its not a full moon tonight " Fawley laughed and raised an eyebrow.

"well its not hard is it? the state of them really … think you need a refresher on your dark arts " she didn't give him answer. she hoped that if it really had been a wolf he was far from this area now.

" bloody dark creatures werewolves. Rip your throat out just for sport " he continued and shook his head, a look of disgust on his face as he spoke " I think they should track them, maybe something like the trace for underage wizards? So the ministry can keep an eye on them " her hands gripped tighter at her broom with anger.

" yeah. Wicked idea " she said through gritted teeth, trying her best not to flip at him. Trying her best to remain the little ministry darling that supported all of their awful ideas and laws.

" or better yet, round em all up and avada the bloody lot of em. No need for em really is there. Filthy half breeds. Be a few magical creatures supporters against that though wouldn't there " he laughed " dangerous animals should be put down though. Don't you think? Dangerous "

" they're not animals " she snapped, unable to stay silent anymore " they're _people_ Fawley. They don't choose to be like that. Lycanthropy isn't some thing they just.. choose " auror Fawley looked gobsmacked at her sudden outburst and she felt a rush of nervousness roll over her. She knew she'd slipped up but she couldn't help it. 

" you're not... you're saying you _sympathise_ with them are you Tonks? " she took a deep breath and then shook her head, forcing a laugh

" course not you pillock! Messing with you aren't I. Daft sod, you really think I was being serious? Nice idea that tracking thing. Should tell Fudge that " his face changed to laugh with her and she rushed with relief, she seemed to have gotten away with it. She ignored the guilt she felt for what she had just said and prayed Fawley wouldn't actually tell Fudge his ideas.

" had me for a minute there Tonks " she couldn't quite believe that she'd almost slipped up already. It was hard to live her little double life, having to completely destroy and disrespect her own views whilst at work. Like the hunt for Sirius. Or the mistreatment of werewolves. Or the fact that Dumbledore was a liar and Voldemort definitely wasn't back. It was all bullshit. complete bullshit.

Sirius was an innocent man tangled up in a friends betrayal. Werewolves weren't all bad and the new laws on them were just to give the daily prophet someone new to point the finger at for all the missing people and death eater attacks. Dumbledore was a smart man and knew that Voldemort definitely was back. He was simply biding his time. And whilst the ministry was off sending aurors on wild useless adventures, the death eaters numbers were growing in private by the day.

He was getting stronger by the day. she was starting to believe Voldemort had people inside the ministry, blowing the scent in different directions so that they could recruit in peace. Not that she could say anything of the sort, fudge would probably fire her on the spot. And then the order really would be fucked. Of course they had Kingsley inside the ministry, but Tonks could get access to things he couldn't. The order needed them both.

" he looks a bit shifty don't you think? " Fawley said after a few minutes of silence, nodding at a man slinking in the shadows, close to the buildings down on the docks " come on " Tonks sighed and prayed it wasn't anything to do with the supposed wolf Dezzle had seen.

They came to land a few feet away and left their brooms propped up and Tonks followed Fawley as they slipped around the side of the building they had seen the man.

" I'm gonna need a bit more than that mate. This ain't the price we agreed on" Fawley raised his hands to stop Tonks as they heard the man speaking to someone " wolfsbane.. ain't cheap you know "

" this is all I have. I can get you the rest in a week or so. Please... " Fawley turned to look at Tonks and gave her a small nod before charging round the building.

" wands were I can see them! "

" Aurors! " the man clearly selling wolfsbane was off before either Tonks or Fawley could grab him, but Fawley clearly didn't care and went for who he wanted. He had struck the man, werewolf, with a binding curse in seconds.

He patted the man down and pulled out an ID from his pockets before tutting and shaking his head.

" someone's unregistered I see " Tonks wasn't quite sure what to do. She simply stood with her wand out as if on guard for Fawley. She didn't want to arrest the poor man, He clearly didn't want to hurt anyone. He'd been buying wolfsbane for petes sake " you're under arrest. Auror Tonks, give us a hand would you "

The whole way back to the ministry she felt nothing but an almost sickening feeling of guilt. She let Fawley take every last bit of praise for the arrest of the unregistered werewolf and got away as soon as she could, leaving with a rushed assurance that she would have a report on the situation on fudges desk by the end of the week.

She didn't feel like going back to her flat after that. She didn't feel like being alone was the best idea, though being around Remus would be almost as awful she felt. It was weird to her that after having only met one werewolf she was suddenly a million times more concerned for their well fair. Not that she had ever been like Fawley, she'd never hated them. Never wished them bad, other than the ones who purposely hurt others.

She guessed after a few moments that Grimmauld place would definitely be the better place to go, maybe Sirius would be awake and she could vent everything to him. He'd understand she was sure.

She liked taking muggle transport so she left her broom in the office and took the tube. It fascinated her how people ever managed to get around without something as quick as just apparating. And she had come to learn that it was one of the best places to satisfy her enjoyment of people watching. All kinds of people took the tube and she enjoyed trying to figure out details about them all just from how they looked.

She tended to get her own funny looks from people when she took muggle transport. She didn't exactly blend in. But one of the things she had come to love about having a father with muggle relatives, was that he had shown her and given her muggle clothes. So at least she blended better than some other witches and wizards she knew. Most magical folk stayed away from muggles, wearing robes of some kind most of the time or magic Specific clothing like shirts emblazoned with their favourite quidditch team. And so when they had to venture into muggle populated areas, their attempts at blending didn't always go to plan.

She almost missed her stop as she got too engrossed in watching a woman with a dozen tattoos snaking over her arms reading a newspaper on the train. But she got off at the stop closest to Grimmauld place, dragging herself up the steps to the front door when she arrived.

  
The clock on the wall told her it was coming up to 6am and she groaned.

She'd been awake well over 24 hours now and she was starting to feel like death. She'd been staying between her flat and number 12 so she had a room there but she wasn't even sure she could make it up the two flights of stairs to get into bed. Never mind go looking for Sirius just yet.

So She instead decided to try and wake herself up just a little with some coffee or tea and shuffled her way down into the kitchen, misjudging how many steps there were and missing the last one. She near jumped out of her skin when kreacher was in there, muttering to himself as usual as he attempted to do some cleaning.

" ... the blood traitor returns... kreacher hoped he would never see her again.... kreacher knew that master was dark and wicked .. bringing blood traitors and werewolves into poor mistresses home "

" good morning to you too kreacher " she rolled her eyes at him as he shuffled out of the kitchen, still mumbling about how dark and dangerous Sirius was and upset he was for Walburga that he had let half breeds and blood traitors in her home " Miserable old git "

" he doesn't like me much either, can you tell? " she startled again as she heard a voice behind her and saw Remus in the doorway, the long sleeves of his cardigan held over his hands as he fidgeted again.

" he doesn't like anyone. He's an absolute grade A Miserable git " she sat down at the table and rubbed her tied eyes, momentarily forgetting why she was even in the kitchen.

" you look exhausted. Do you want tea?" She mumbled a yes and shrugged off her auror robes and rested her chin in her hand, trying to keep her heavy eyelids open " you were a hufflepuff? I guessed so " he said looking over his shoulder as she took off her robes, noticing her old jumper " and a quidditch player too "

" hufflepuff through and through " she said with a beaming smile " and hufflepuff beater. Though I almost got kicked off the team so many times because I missed practice because I was in detention all the time " Remus laughed as the kettle came to a boil.

" Sirius played quidditch. And James. Wasn't really for me though, me and Peter were happy enough just to support them and attend the parties when we won " she watched as his face softened at the memories before clearing his throat slightly like he was embarrassed, or he just didn't want to talk about it anymore " what had you out so late at night anyway? "

" Fudge had us all on a bloody goose chase again for Sirius. I swear that man will do anything but admit the truth " Remus nodded as she started to ramble on, letting her speak " it's ridiculous really. They're sending us on more dead end searches than ever, we haven't been on an actually successful stake in weeks. You wanna know what I think? I think old voldy has people in the ministry. You know like how I am for the order? Secret spies and that " he brought her over a large mug of tea and sat down opposite her with his own.

" it would make sense for him to infiltrate the ministry. That's what he did last time, if the ministry were to fall then he's practically got all of the power he needs. He came close last time, so close. I don't think he'll make his same mistakes this time around " Tonks had momentarily forgotten that he had been in the first order, fighting in Voldemort's first attempt to rise to power.

" does it feel like it did last time? With the first war I mean? " she asked a little more quietly, already knowing his answer and being ever so slightly scared by it.

" yes " he said simply and sipped his tea. She wrapped her hands around her own mug feeling the heat seep through her leather gloves and slowly warming her hands.

" was it as bad as they say " she knew she was probably pushing them into unsavoury waters with questions like that. But she wanted to know. Needed to know. She had signed up for the order which meant if she was going into war, she'd like to at least know what to expect. He looked down at the mug in his hands and sighed quietly

" it was worse. Even back then, the prophet and the ministry tried to sugar coat things. But so many people were dying, left right and centre. Muggles too. Everywhere you went it was all just terror and panic the order faced so many losses too. Marlene and her entire family... Alice and frank... then James and... " his voice was getting quieter as he spoke and she started to feel guilty at pushing him to talk about it. She reached over the table and squeezed his hand softly

" you don't need to talk about it anymore. I'm sorry for asking you " he nodded curtly and seemed to take a moment to gather himself. She quickly changed the subject " what you doing awake this early anyway? " she saw what she thought was a flash of relief in his eyes at the change in topic of conversation.

" I don't sleep much especially with kreacher talking to that bloody portrait of Walburga all night " Tonks cracked a smile at that. The portrait had had plenty to say to her when she walked past it the first time she'd entered the house. She'd never seen nor heard a portrait so loud. Kreacher polished the frame a million times a day, constantly telling her how sorry he was that ' werewolves and mudbloods and blood traitors alike ' were in her home.

" did you ever meet the old battle axe? I didn't , but by the sounds of that damn painting I don't think I missed out on much " he chuckled slightly sipping his tea again and Tonks had the realisation that she still had a hold of his hand, not that he'd made any attempt to move it.

" very briefly. She didn't like me, she knew about my condition and she had it in her head that me and Sirius were. Well. More than friends. You can imagine how she felt about that " she was half tempted to ask if they had ever been more than just friends. But decided against it.

" yes how dare a member of the noble and most ancient house of black befriend a werewolf?! Absolutely vile if you ask me " she joked and Remus smiled at her again " the entire family hates me so don't worry, you're not on your own. My mum marries a muggle born? The horror! And then she goes and has a baby with him? Shocking! How dare she water down the noble and pure bloodline of the blacks " she said dramatically, flinging around her arm that wasn't preoccupied with holding Remus' hand. He was laughing at her and she decided she absolutely loved the sound.

" I think your sleep deprivation is getting to you " she sighed but nodded, resting her chin on her hand again and closing her eyes

" yeah. I think it is, I've been seeing two of you for the last 10 minutes. Didn't tell me you had a twin Remus "

" poor you " he said softly and she opened her eyes and frowned at him, shaking her head.

" not a bad thing " something flashed across his face again but she was far too tired to register what emotion it had been exactly " quite nice sight first thing in the morning actually " she mumbled and closed her eyes again.

" alright you, you definitely need to go and get some rest " he reached over the table and ran his hand on her wrist gently " are you staying here? Or heading home? " her eyes opened again, taking in his slightly concerned look.

" too tired to get home " he nodded and opened his mouth to say something else but their moment was disturbed.

" oh good morning! Tonks I didn't know you were back? " Remus immediately dropped Tonks hand as Hestia appeared in the kitchen, clearly having stayed the night and she frowned. Why did he not want her to see? It wasn't like it was anything bad, they were only holding hands.

" late night at work. I'm heading to bed now " she grabbed her robes and hurried around the table to give Remus a quick hug goodbye. She realised she hadn't brought up the werewolf thing. But knew now wasn't the time. Remus looked a little startled by her hug but he had a small smile too "goodnight. Well. Morning " she punctuated her sentence with a yawn and headed for the stairs again leaving a slightly dumbstruck Remus at the table.


	2. Missions of the Order

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Reminder that italics is a flashback!

A little over a week later and the time for Remus' first mission with Tonks had arrived. In the time since they had met they'd been practically inseparable, as he had come to learn that he very much liked being around her. She brought a little more light into his previously dark and dismal life. Every time she came charging into Grimmauld place, her hair some new outrageous colour each time, no matter what his mood was he would find himself smiling.

She had the same sense of humour as him. A sense of humour much alike James. And Sirius. It felt almost like a comfort blanket, as if heading those down right awful jokes she said thrust him back to Hogwarts. When things were just that little bit simpler. In fact the entire situation with her was all too similar, he had become friends with James, Sirius and Peter just as quickly as he had with Nymphadora. Which was odd because he wasn't really one for making friends these days.

But it was quite impossible to not be friends with someone like her, to like someone like her. she was unnaturally kind, cementing the idea that she was very much well placed in hufflepuff, and she was bright. funny. She just brought a happiness with her wherever she went and in the current times a little happiness was hard to find.

Especially in Grimmauld place, the darkness and gloominess of the house could sometimes get a little too overwhelming. but she would come crashing in bounding with energy and brighten it up. And in such a short space of time he had become completely intrigued by everything she did. He enjoyed just watching her, especially since a smile never seemed to leave her face.

He was curious to see how she would behave on their order mission together. She didn't seem to take things very seriously and was unbelievably clumsy. But he reminded himself that she was an auror after all and he was quite curious to see the change. He wondered how different auror Tonks was to order Tonks.

At least he would get a decent conversation if things got a little bit slow though. His previous missions had been with Hestia, who seemed quite intent on talking his ear off, and then one with Dedalus who was just as excitable as Hestia. Tonks too seemed to have the ability to prattle but at least it was usually something interesting.

Part of him was a little curious as to why the young witch seemed so interested in being around him, she seemed to make a beeline for him as soon as she entered the building. Always greeting him before anyone else, not that he minded he was just... curious. He would occasionally think back to the conversation he had accidentally overheard between her and Sirius on the day of his first order meeting.

_'Yo_ _u so fancy him"_

Sirius was probably just trying to wind her up. Who'd fancy him. Especially someone like her, so young and beautiful and probably able to go after any man or woman she wanted. She'd never like him. And besides. He had joined the order of the Phoenix to help people. Not to get distracted by girls. And so had she. She had joined to help. Not have a pathetic half breed ogling her every damn second. He needed to keep his emotions in check and stay professional.

But if he was already this flustered after only a week, how on earth was he supposed to stay professional for an entire war? He really needed to practice his self control.

" wakey wakey my moony! " Remus sighed slightly as he heard Sirius at his bedroom door. Living with Sirius thrust him right back to his Hogwarts days, but sharing a house with him was a little easier than a dorm room. At least he could lock him out if he needed too. it was almost scary how similar it felt to live with him again though, he hadn't changed at all.

Part of Remus felt like he was just trying to relive all the years he had lost being locked in that cell. But he was happy to let him be that slightly annoying teenager he had grown up with. It kept him from drinking himself into a stupor to fight away his traumatic memories of not only Azkaban but his pathetic excuse of a mother too.

" moonyyyy my looovvee " he rolled his eyes and waved his hand towards the lock to open it " good morning sleepy head " Sirius greeted as he came sauntering into the room, throwing open the door. Always one for a dramatic entrance.

" I'm not your 'love' " he mumbled as Sirius slumped down into the chair at the desk, swivelling around in it. It was quite unbelievable that all these years later he still managed to act like the child he had been during their days at Hogwarts.

Remus had very easily slipped back into his role of being the mature one ever since reuniting with his old friend. But he wasn't mad, it was nice to have that sense of familiarity back again he guessed. It was also nice to wake up in a house where he wasn't alone. He had gotten used to waking up alone everyday in his tumbledown cottage with only the occasional mouse for company. Waking up to a wake up call from Sirius Black everyday was a pleasant change, albeit slightly annoying.

" did I wake you? " Sirius asked, craning his neck slightly to see what Remus was doing in the mirror.

" no. I've been awake for hours " Sirius scoffed and started noseying through the drawers of the desk for anything interesting. He and Tonks were so alike. They both seemed to have the attention span of 4 year olds, constantly filled with energy and always needing to be looking at something or doing something.

" sure you have. Excited for your little trip out with Tonksie today? Hmm? " Remus rolled his eyes and walked over to Sirius, plucking a quill from his hands that he looked on the verge of snapping from bending it too much.

" it's not a trip. It's a mission. Strictly business " Sirius raised an eyebrow, snatching the quill back from him and absentmindedly running his fingers over the feathers.

" but you wish it wasn't " Remus reached for the quill again, but he held it away from him " come on. Admit it. You haven't bloody been apart for the last week. Does my moony have a little crush on my cousin? The scandal! " did he? No. He barely even knew her. He couldn't could he? Definitely not " I know there's that phrase 'keep it in the family' but I didn't think you'd be one to follow it. But she is a Black after all, ' keeping it in the family' is basically the family motto "

" I don't 'have a crush' I'm not a child. And besides. I barely know her, we're just becoming friends that's all " he'd never been one to 'crush' on anyone really. Except for in school. He had had a brief hint of something for Lily Evans but it had disappeared as quickly as it came. And then there had been Sirius. But other than those two, there wasn't really anyone else. He didn't meet anyone to be able to have a crush. He kept himself to himself. His cottage was in the middle of nowhere, he could go months and months without seeing a single living soul if he really wanted to.

" that's how it starts moony " Remus was not in the mood for this conversation. Ever. So waved his hand in dismissal and grabbed his cardigan and then his jacket. He would need to leave soon so at least he could escape Sirius' questioning " if I'm not mistaken we were just friends at first too weren't we "

Remus faltered slightly as he buttoned up his cardigan, he didn't particularly like to think back to those times anymore. They had been young and there was absolutely no feelings of that sort anymore ( that had been a painfully awkward conversation) and Sirius had been eyeing up both Hestia _and_ Emmeline for days anyway. But Sirius was unbelievably unbothered by the past and spoke about it so freely that it set his nerves on edge. Because he wondered if anyone would see him differently. He wondered if Tonks would.

He remembered the time that James and Peter has found out about himself and Sirius. They hadn't cared at all, but they had been friends for years. He barely knew Tonks. And besides, his slight bisexuality- or lack there of- wasn't exactly something that popped up naturally into conversation was it? ' oh hello Tonks! How was your day? Did you know I'm rather confused about my sexuality because I most definitely like women but I've had feelings for one man and one man only. But I no longer have any feelings of any sort for him. Oh. Would you like some tea? ' yeah no. No way was he having that conversation with Tonks or Sirius for that matter. Ever.

He almost wished James was still around. James always seemed to know what Remus was thinking when Remus himself couldn't. And he was the absolute biggest mother hen, always there to lend a shoulder to cry on and fuss over his friends to make sure they were okay. James would be able to understand Remus' feelings and questions about whether or not he was starting to feel things for Tonks straight away. He'd been the first to find out about him and Sirius. Well. He had claimed he knew before finding out anyway.

*  
 _When Remus woke up his head was pounding so hard he felt like there was a small army of abraxans galloping around in his skull. He hadn't even drank much last night, so he put it down to sleep deprivation. Though it was probably a mix of both. Bright sunlight was streaming in through the windows to dormitory and he knew from how bright the sun was that he had definitely missed breakfast. His stomach growled in conformation._

_He sighed and went to get out of bed before going tense, as he became aware of the weight of someone's arm wrapped around him and a warm body Pressed against his back. And it all came flooding back. The spur of the moment party, Sirius whispering for Remus to follow him out of the common room. Sneaking up to the astronomy tower with half a bottle of firewhiskey in his hands. Sirius watching him intently as they lay looking up at the stars and Remus told him all about them. Sirius kissing him for the first time in months._

_He'd barely said a word to him after the awful night of the prank on Snape. But things had gotten better. And they had grown closer again, it felt as if they had gone back to square one again. With their awful flirting and all. They had kept things secret before which made things even harder. Because he couldn't tell James or Peter or Lily why he was even more moody than normal. He had just blamed it all on being angry with him from the prank._

_But it had been that_ and _the fact he had broken up with Sirius too. He wished he'd been able to talk about it with at least one person. But. He couldn't. No one would understand. It was the seventies, things were the tiniest bit better than they had been. But. Not really._

_" would you stop moving around for fucks sake Re " Remus startled as Sirius murmured softly into his ear, his voice husky with sleep. Sirius laughed lightly as Remus startled. He had missed his laugh, his laugh that he caused._

_" you need to let me go. The curtains aren't even closed. What if one of the others comes in here and sees- what if they already saw- merlin, let me_ go _Sirius " he tried to pry Sirius' arms off of him. Sirius simply pulled him back closer to his chest_

_" I don't give a fuck " Remus sighed but he couldn't really be annoyed. It felt good to be back in his arms again._

_" well good mornin you two. Lovely day isn't it? " Remus went tense again as he heard James voice and looked over to where he was stood smirking in the doorway to the dorm " well I should say afternoon. Lazy gits it's past 2 you know? You missed breakfast_ and _lunch "_

_" piss off prongs I'm tryna sleep here " Sirius mumbled into Remus' neck, snuggling his face against his hair. Not giving a single care at James seeing them snuggled up together._

_" oh sorry pads. Tired are you? Yeah I would be too if I hadn't gotten into bed until 4am and then spent a good hour more laughing and snogging moony. Sounds like the type of thing that makes people tired " James was still smiling at them and Remus wanted to get out of bed and throw himself out of the dormitory window. Remus wrestled his way out of Sirius' grip and sat up, his face glaring red._

_" I. I can explain James- it's really not what it looks like I mean- "_

_" moony shut up will you. You think I didn't already know you and that lazy git had something going on? I'm not as stupid as I look " Remus didn't really know what to say to that. How could he have known? Had they really been that careless? Even with their weeks of not talking to each other?_

_" well you do look pretty fucking stupid " Sirius, who had now buried his face in his pillow at the absence of Remus, murmured._

_" it's no big deal. I'm happy for you both. Really. And besides. You weren't really all that subtle, even peter was starting to question things and he's about as oblivious as it gets. You could snog right in front of him and he'd still not understand it "_

_Remus didn't know where to look, he was unbelievably embarrassed but there was also the feeling of weight being lifted. That someone finally knew he was hopelessly in love with his best friend " just from now on, keep the snogging in here to a minimum? It's not really the best thing to hear when you're tryna sleep. Especially with Peter fucking snoring as well "_

_" can't promise " Sirius mumbled again and Remus punched him in the arm which Sirius acted as if was the most painful thing he'd ever felt. James soon dismissed himself in search of Lily, clearly having separation anxiety having not seen her for a good 15 minutes and Remus flopped back down onto his pillow with a sigh, covering his face with his hands._

_" he won't tell anyone you know. If that's what's got you all worried " Sirius said in the gentle voice that only Remus ever got to here. Without a single trace of his usual cockiness and arrogance in " re " he pulled gently at his hands until he could see his face " re look at me " he turned his head to look at him and smiled " I know you don't want people to know and he won't say anything. Really. He's an Absolute tosser sometimes but he won't say anything " Remus knew that. Of course he did. James was his best friend, he trusted him with his life._

_" I know I know " he laced his fingers with Sirius' and tried to think about how he would feel if anyone else knew. How would his father react. It was a confusing time. He'd never felt like this for someone before. Especially not another boy._

_" reeee you're away with the fairies again " Sirius snapped his fingers in his face and he felt his cheeks heating up again " your cute when you're embarrassed " it simply made his cheeks burn hotter_

_" shut up " he muttered and tried to hide his smile. He almost hated the way Sirius made him feel, he felt giddy around him._

_" you shut up. And come here " Remus felt his heart beat a million miles per hour the same way it always did when Sirius was pulling him ,kissing him , making him feel as if he was floating._

_" oi, lovebirds. We're sneaking into the kitchens for some food. Coming? " James broke their moment again and Sirius grabbed a pillow from under his head and tossed it at him_   
_*_

Even though he was quite certain he'd never love a man the way he had felt for Sirius ever again, the simple matter that he _had_ felt something for him threw his head into a spin. Because yes, it was the 90s. People were far more accepting of it now but still. And just thinking about Tonks was adding to the confusion even more. Because he didn't like men anymore. But the fact that he had. What if she was against that? Why did he even care.

" you and Tonks are friends right? Right " Sirius asked, breaking him out of his thoughts and pulling him back to the conversation

" we are friends. I think. Can you be friends with someone so fast? " Sirius scoffed again, still spinning in the chair, and pulled a thread on his velvety jacket. Most of Sirius' clothes were looking as drab as his own, but he had spent hours on fixing them up with spells. He was trying to relive his glory days, even if he did deny it.

" look at me, you, James and Peter we became friends the first day we met. You and Tonksie, you're friends. And like I said. That's how it starts. You like her. I know you moony, I know that pining stare you have. If it makes you feel any better she likes you too " did she? It would explain the reasoning behind her constant want to be around him. But no. It couldn't be. Not so soon.

" Sirius. No I- " there was a loud bang downstairs followed by a female voice cursing and string of 'oh bollocks!' 'fucking hell's' and a colourful array of other words. And Remus knew that there was Tonks, as if it could have been anyone else. She Always knew how to make an entrance. And break things. He'd learnt in only his second day around her that she was an absolute klutz and already was constantly behind her to grab things she knocked before they hit the ground.

Sirius gave Remus a look and he just knew he was going to cause trouble. He dived for the door but Sirius went shooting out first, shifting into padfoot and bounding down the stairs before Remus had even made it out into the hall.

" well good morning Tonksie! " he said cheerily as he morphed back at the bottom of the stairs, looking down the hall at where Tonks had apparently tripped on the umbrella stand again. As Remus reached the ground floor she was putting one of the umbrellas back into the stand with a scowl. Her face changed immediately at the sight of him, her lips lifting into a big smile, her wide eyes lighting up.

" wotcher, Remus! "

" we were _just_ talking about you weren't we moony? " Remus felt his cheeks going warm, Sirius was definitely about to cause trouble. He had done the exact thing in 3rd year when he had been convinced that Remus had a crush on Dorcas Meadowes, which he absolutely didn't. He'd cornered her and made an absolutely foul attempt at being a wingman, backed up by James. Dorcas hadn't spoken to him for a good 2 weeks after that.

" oh. All bad things I hope? " she said, wiggling her eyebrows before laughing which Sirius joined in. And Remus couldn't help but feel how much the scene was as familiar as Sirius and James years ago " what were you talking about though? Seriously "

" oh just moonys impeccably good taste" Remus wanted the ground to open and swallow him up right there and then, dragging him down to the depths of the earth away from the increasingly awkward situation " did you know he has a thing for family disappointments? " Tonks scoffed and dramatically flicked her long hair- that today was a flaming shade of orange- over her shoulder

" well. Here's my time to shine " she then burst into laughter which Sirius joined in again. Remus was absolutely ready for death, though hearing laughter in such a dismal house was a welcome change. Especially Tonks. Her laugh was loud and clear and was like music to his ears. Though he was ever cautious that they were going to wake up Walburga, he hoped she was too busy talking to kreacher " did you know our family hates us Remus? Sirius, if we got together do you thing they'd be happy?" Sirius laughed again and threw an arm around her shoulders.

" our family is full of inbreeding. Of course they would. But then again Tonksie, my noble and pure blood self could never fall for such a hideous half blood like yourself " he said dramatically turning away from her. He knew they were joking, but it sent his blood boiling. Tonks and Sirius were unbelievably close, was there more to it than that? The way he had his arm around her and how she leant into him, still laughing. He didn't like it. And it confused him as to why.

" are you ready to leave Tonks? " Remus said suddenly, his voice taking on a bitter note that he didn't really mean to show. Tonks looked a little confused at his bitter tone but nodded and pulled away from Sirius. She straightened out her jacket, that Remus noted had the buttons done up incorrectly, and she pulled out her wand.

" do you wanna apparate together? Sometimes I get distracted and end up a few feet away from where I'm meant to be " she held out her hand for him, wiggling her fingers in his direction as an invitation to take it " but if we're together hopefully you'll drag me to the correct place "

" oh he would just love to. Wouldn't you moony? Look, she wants to hold your hand how sweet " Remus was ready to lock Sirius in a room with kreacher and the Walburga portrait, but he tried to remain calm especially as Tonks seemed totally unbothered by what Sirius had said. He walked forward and took Tonks hand feeling the cool leather of her little fingerless gloves. She really was the female version of Sirius " don't have too much fun will you " they apparated with a crack before Sirius could say anything else.

They arrived seconds later in the woods outside of a suspected death eaters home and Tonks laughed quietly to herself as she pulled out a little pair of magically enhanced binoculars from her pocket.

" of course he lives in a house like that. Never do anything by half's these death eaters do they? " the entire place seemed quiet at the moment, and they hadn't been given any other instructions other than to simply observe any suspicious behaviour " doesn't seem to be any life. Cobwebs in all his windows. Who was it that gave the tip off for this place? Cause fuck me this place looks like it's been empty for years. Look " she tossed him the binoculars and he zoomed in as far as they would go. And it was true what she had said. There was visible cobwebs in the windows and they were all dusted over. The front garden had bushes and plants overgrown, ivy twisting around the doorknob of the front door.

But even with the clear signs that no one seemed to live there anymore, they had to carry out their orders. They found a spot with a fallen tree to sit on that had a good view of the entrance to the house, but with a good amount of trees for some form of concealment. Tonks went about casting a few concealment charms around them so they wouldn't be spotted just in case as well. They sat in silence for a while, waiting for anything to happen but it remained quiet.

" been on this watch before? " Tonks asked, making Remus jump slightly as she broke the silence he had just begun to be comfortable with.

" no. I've only been on two missions so far. One in Hogsmede and one down in Lancashire with Hestia and Dedalus " Tonks nodded and started poking at the damp earth with the tip of a twig she grabbed from the ground.

" fucking hell, how'd you survive with hestia? Bores me half to death.... me and you are on couple more together. We're in the department of mysteries together in a couple of days. That one isn't so bad, we rotate so you're only ever there a few hours really and it's the night shift so it's super quiet. Then I have a watch on Fenrir Greyback coming up, he's back in the country apparently " Remus went tense at the mention of that name. Even all these years later the name still sent a shiver down his spine. The man that had ruined his life.

He had originally been on that watch with her, but had asked to be removed. He wasn't sure he could face that one just yet, even after all this time had passed " I think we were meant to be together on that one too. But I'm with mad-eye now " he wondered if Greyback would remember him. He doubted it. He had only been 4 when he was attacked. But then again, he had made a specific effort to seek out Remus in attempt to get revenge on his father.

" I requested a change " she stopped poking the ground, where she had created a sizeable hole in the earth now, and turned to look at him with a slight smile.

" why? Bored of me already huh? " she poked his arm, clearly noticing he was tense and trying to lighten the mood a bit. He just gave her a weak smile, unsure of exactly what he should say.

" no no not at all. It's just. Well " just the thought of him was making him anxious and he hated it. He hated that so many years had passed yet Greyback still had this control over him. This power. Greyback wouldn't even remember him. He had attacked and killed so many people. He would never remember a tiny Remus lupin, cowering in his bed as he snuck in through his window in the middle of the night. And then the terror that came along with his first full moon.... he hated him. He hated him so much.

Too many years has passed since his attack for him to be feeling so on edge by him. And he _hated_ it. Tonks grabbed onto his hands, in some attempt at stopping them from Shaking.

" hey are you alright? You look a bit peaky. I can get you some water or something? Summon you some sandwiches? "

" yes I'm fine. Really " he could tell that she knew he was lying. She was smart, he knew that. She could see right though his lies, though maybe he was just awful at lying " Greyback " he sighed and ran a hand through his hair " he. He... is the one that attacked me. That bit me " he felt quite sick saying his name, his stomach was churning.

He felt almost light headed, the same way he felt when he was a little too close to some silver. He was quite thankful that he was sat down.

" oh fuck. I'm sorry I didn't know, I'm such a prick. Always got my bloody foot in my mouth " he smiled warmly at her and shook his head, his heart warming at her obvious concern. He wasn't used to it. People didn't show him concern. People didn't sit with him and apologise when they leant of his condition, they ran. They left him. Got as far from him as they could.

But she wasn't moving. She was showing sympathy. Concern. She was still _there._

" it's not your doing. It was a long. Long. Time ago I just don't think I'm able to sit on a all day long watch over him. And besides, people like me.... with my condition. They have a pack mentality almost engrained in them. Staying around him for too long, he would know I was there. He'd be able to sense me. Smell me. He could try and make me join him, why do you think he goes for children? Children are easily manipulated. Even as they age " he didn't know why he'd even told her. He didn't tell anyone. But for some reason, in her company he had to work ten times harder to keep his walls up.

When they were alone together he was like that one damned leaky tap in his parents old home, he just would keep pouring out anything and everything to her.

" have you ever met other werewolf's? " she asked softly and he nodded

" I went underground with some in the first war. It was hard... to fight that mentality... to keep myself from joining them. People like Greyback... he's very persuasive. And some of the people they're so young. They're vulnerable. They're scared. It makes them easy targets. They follow him like he's some saviour to them, he makes them think that he blessed them by infecting them. He Makes them think it was a good thing. Some of them followed him from such a long age they treat him like a father "

Tonks nodded again and she looked as if she wanted to say something and he waited for her to get it out.

" when did it happen? You said it was a long time ago... how long? "

" I was only 4 when it happened " he couldn't stop himself from telling her. It was scary. He barely knew her yet he was ready to tell her everything. He felt like he could trust her " my poor parents, they faced the brunt of it all. We had to move around. A lot. As I got older my transformations got stronger, I got more aggressive. As soon as I was able to leave home I did, I didn't want to ruin their life's anymore. They didn't ask for this " he could feel tears brewing in his eyes and he prayed they wouldn't fall. He didn't want Tonks to think he was weak. She probably already did.

" it wasn't your fault either Remus " he knew. But sometimes it was hard to convince himself that. Even after all these years. He didn't ask for this life. If anyone was to blame it was his father, his father had riled Greyback up. And he had had to face the fallout. But he had long since gotten over blaming Lyall for what had happened all those years ago.

He still had nightmares though, the image of that face looming over him as he tried to sleep, claws and fangs bared. Not trying to kill him, simply trying to turn him. Knowing that that would cause so much more heartbreak and suffering. And it had. He would have been better off dead. He'd have saved his family from so much trauma " you didn't ask to be attacked Remus. Sometimes bad things happen to good people " she squeezed his hands softly that he hadn't even noticed she had still been holding.

" we- we should be paying attention. To the house " he said clearing his throat and standing up. He didn't want to talk about it anymore, he felt embarrassed for telling her. He hated that he so easily would tell her anything even after such a short time, the words had just come out. He was too comfortable around her. It wasn't right.

She stayed silent as he did a perimeter check, only speaking again when he made it back round to their fallen tree.

" Remus. There's something I should probably tell you. I wanted I tell you the the other day but- " he came to sit back beside her with a slight frown.  
 _She's going to say she doesn't want to work with you now._  
 _She's going to make an excuse to leave._  
 _You've frightened her_

" yes? " he said, hoping his voice didn't betray his worry

" I'm not sure if you know. But things in the Ministry are getting worse for people with lycanthropy. It's getting bad, I just wanted to warn you. Maybe keep a low profile. We're being instructed to arrest anyone we suspect. Registered or unregistered, lycanthropes are getting sent to Azkaban by the day for things they haven't even done. Just. I'd hate for anything to happen to you "

He hadn't expected that at all. She wasn't scared _of_ him , she was scared _for_ me. Worried that he would be cornered by some auror if any of them suspected what he was. Pin some of the death eaters crimes onto him and lock him in Azkaban for good measure.

" thank you for the warning " she nodded and she then stood up, making her own rounds on the perimeter checks. They didn't talk much then, taking it In turns to do the checks. Tonks summoned them some sandwiches after a few hours and almost choked on a bite that ended in Remus smacking at her back until she could breathe again. She found it hilarious but Remus thought the opposite, though he wasn't about to complain at hearing her laugh.

After 6 hours of zero activity she entertained them both for a short while morphing into random people, with a scarily accurate morph of Snape, but by their 7th hour she was flopped on her back on the forest floor, staring up at the sky.

" why do I always get the bloody boring watches. Give me some excitement just one time mad-eye I beg. Give me a death eater that actually _lives_ where he's supposed to not some stupid wanker that isn't even in his damn house " Remus felt like he was going to fall asleep, his head nodding every now and again as he rested his chin in his hand.

He'd been switching between daydreaming and watching Tonks for hours, not exactly doing his job, but thoroughly entertained. It was interesting to watch her when she thought no one was looking at her. The silly little faces she pulled and the things she did to stay entertained.

" hey. Remus. Come join me in the dirt. It's more interesting down here " he hesitated for a moment but already knew better than to argue with her and there wasn't exactly anything better to do. So he lay down next to her, pulling a twig from under his head as he did so " ain't it pretty? " she said dreamily, looking up at the sky that was streaked with oranges and purples and pinks as the sun started setting "sometimes if I get a little too crazy you know, I just lay down. And look at the sky. If you squint your eyes it just feels like your floating in it " he turned his head to look at her, she was smiling up at the sky. She looked beautiful, the light from the setting sun illuminated her skin in a way that made her look unreal. Like one of the mythical creatures he had read about in books.

His mind momentarily wondered back to the fact that they were supposed to be on watch. But he couldn't tear his eyes away. She was like a vision. A dream.

  
_Does my moony have a little crush?_

  
Taking into account that he had spent the best part of the day watching her and spilling all his secrets to her. He did. He so did. Which was _terrifying._

" sometimes my head gets away from me you know " she continued " like my mouth has absolutely no filter. Had you noticed that? "

" a little " he said quietly and smiled. It was true, she had absolutely no filter whatsoever. Her brain thought of something and spewed it straight out. Which was both funny and intriguing at times. She was much like Sirius in that sense, he acted before he even bothered to think. Spoke before he bothered to think too most of the time.

" yeah well. My brain just runs at a million miles a second and sometimes I just have to stop. And look up at the blue or grey or whatever. And just. Breathe. Does that sound stupid? " listening to her be so open and honest with him after he had been the same to her warmed his heart. Maybe she was as comfortable around him as he was around her. Which was even scarier than it just being him in all honesty.

" it doesn't. Not at all " she turned her head then too, looking at him with a smile. Her hair had morphed to match the sunset now and it fell in her face slightly as she turned, a beautiful shade of sunset orange streaked with pale pinks and blues.

" it doesn't? maybe you're just as crazy as I am Remus. Maybe we're both completely mental "

" maybe we are " Merlin he was fucked. He was so unbelievably fucked. She smiled at him and how he loved that smile. She turned her head back up to look at the sky again and was quiet for a while. And he couldn't help but stare. He didn't get crushes. He didn't feel this way for people. But merlin the way his heart warmed just looking at her-

" can i ask you something? You don't have to answer it " she asked, pulling him off from his daydreams. his mind suddenly started racing at what she was possibly going to ask him

" okay, go ahead " she hesitated for a moment.

" your transformations. Do they.... does it hurt? " he wondered why she had brought that topic of conversation back Up again, they had dropped the subject hours ago. He wondered why she wanted to know.

" well. Yes " she nodded and looked as if she was thinking hard " it's.... it's a lot " she nodded again and closed her eyes

" sorry for asking. I was just curious " he too turned to look back up at the sky and saw the sun was almost gone, the stars starting to appear. He knew that they'd be getting a Message sooner rather than later saying that their watch was over. But he was quite peaceful, enjoying his Time with Tonks even if she was asking difficult questions occasionally " Sirius told me you're scared of the dark " he couldn't help but chuckle at that as she nodded up towards the sky.

" not so much the dark. Just the moon " he tried to take on the same jokey tone she did but it didn't quite come across " I quite like the dark actually. The stars and their constellations, quite fascinating "

" Sirius is named after a star isnt he? "

" yes let me see... " he glanced around the night sky and found it almost immediately, he'd looked at it so many times before. He had stared up at that bright star on those nights after that fateful Halloween, wondering if that was as close as he would ever get again to Sirius black " it's right there " he pointed it out and watched as Tonks eyes darted over the sky trying to see it too. He smiled and reached over, gently tilting her head in the correct direction " there. See that one really bright star?.... That's the one " her face swept with awe as she smiled at it.

" wish I'd have been named after something cool like a star. Well. My middle name is a star but that doesn't count does it. Stars are just great aren't they. My dad told me that muggles would sometimes use the stars to guide them places if they got lost, muggles can be quite clever when they want to be apparently. And they're just -They're beautiful aren't they "

" yes " his voice has dropped to almost a whisper and she turned back to look at him again " what's the star of your middle name... I can try and tell you about it " she smiled and chewed on her lip for a moment.

" okay but don't laugh okay it's bloody horrid "

" I promise " she sighed and chewed on her lip again for a moment

" Vulpecula.... Nymphadora Vulpecula fucking Tonks. Think my parents secretly hate me you know. Giving me a name like that "

" it's a beautiful name, it's fitting " the words left his mouth without his consent, his thoughts slipping away before he could stop them and he felt his cheeks burning. She almost seemed to sense his embarrassment because she turned back to look at the sky, but she was smiling.

" now now Remus. Almost sounds like you're flirting with me there. That's not very professional of you " her voice was laced with that teasing tone again and he felt a wash of relief that she clearly hadn't thought he'd made things weird.

" whatever gave you that idea " she giggled at that and shook her head " why are you named after those things in particular? " he swiftly changed the topic, the way she was looking at him making his cheeks flush.

" not even sure really. I just had a bunch of tossers calling me nymphomaniac for my entire time at Hogwarts. I was friends with a girl named Penny at school, she always told me it was such a beautiful name. Think she was a bit mad if you ask me "

" why didn't you just go by your middle name instead? " she snorted a laugh at that and shook her head again

" it's even worse! My mum wanted to follow the whole black children named after stars thing. It's vile though. My whole name sounds like some kind of disease " he pushed himself up onto his elbows and raised an eyebrow at her.

" it does not. It's different. It's unique. Like you. I told you, it's very fitting " she snorted a laugh and rolled her eyes.

" people meet me and learn my name, I'm basically named horny star if you think about. In simple terms " Remus couldn't help but laugh at her and shake his head.

" you're quite mad aren't you? "

Before she could answer him an owl appeared just ahead of them and landed by Remus' foot. He pulled the paper from the bird and saw that their watch was now over. He almost didn't want to leave. He was enjoying being on his own with Tonks a little too much. But Tonks got to her feet as she read the note over his shoulder and stretched out her arms above her head.

" time to go back then I guess " she then smiled at him and walked over and brushed her hands over his arms " got leaves and shit all over you now " she then grabbed onto his hand " ready to go?" He really wasn't. He wanted to spend more time with her.

" yes. Let's go "


	3. the full moon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> remus' first full moon since moving to grimmauld place ends with some unexpected help

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> reminder:This is my first remadora fic , if characters appear OOC I apologise but this is my fic so.... just go with it
> 
> im messrmoonyy on tumblr if anyone has anything to ask/tell me!

It was full moon day again.

The days seemed to come round all too fast just lately. When he had been alone for all those years hidden deep in the Yorkshire dales, the days seemed to drag on for ever and ever with everyday feeling longer than the last. But being surrounded by people, by friends, seemed to make time fly by. He didn't really like it if he was honest, hours seemed to slip right through his fingers.

_Time flys by when you're having fun moony!_

It made him feel as if he had lost control after so carefully maintaining it for years on his own. But then again, he always felt a little powerless as the moon grew fuller and fuller. Whether it be in strength or in his ability to time keep. Lack of power and control came hand in hand with a full moon, no amount of years would change that.

It was this lack of ability at controlling his emotions that had lead Remus to isolate himself on full moon days. He had locked himself in the library all day, and thankfully so far no one had bothered him. he found it best to stay away from people as much as he could on the days leading up to it, he became snappy and impatient as the wolf grew restless in his head. As the small control he had would slip away before his eyes.

His emotions became harder to control as the full moon got closer and last night, when the moon had been barely a slither from being full, his emotions had run haywire and he had yelled at Sirius over dinner. He didn't even remember what it was really about now, but his short temper had blown and he'd yelled at him and stormed out of the kitchen.

He was okay at suppressing the wolf for the majority of each month, but it grew bored and restless as the moon came closer to being full. It made controlling it all the more difficult. He hadn't meant to snap at Sirius and he knew he should probably find him and apologise. But now wasn't the time.

He was hiding from that too he guessed, and the library was the perfect place for hiding. No one ever went in the library. But that was what he wanted. He didn't want the company of people today. He had chosen to take his company in books instead. Books didn't have feeling he could hurt. Books, words, had always brought him comfort. He could disappear into books for a while, he could force his usually scattered brain to focus on something new and wonderful. Whether it was books of facts or books of fiction he drank in the information as much as he could. Knowledge gave him purpose. And he was so desperate to cling to having a purpose in the world. Especially on days like this. When his brain was more scattered than usual, his thoughts unable to make any sense at all.

So he buried himself into reading the words and thoughts of others. Words that were already aligned and understandable. He had a stack on the floor next to him that he'd already managed to read that morning and another stack that he was planning to try and get through too. No one ever used the library, so he could go into his little corner that was wedged between two book cases and read in peace. And try to keep his mind as sane and calm as he could going into the full moon.

When he was younger his mother would read to him at night before he went to sleep, he wondered if that was why he liked books so much. They had been a comfort blanket since childhood, wrapping him up in a warm hug of exciting adventures bigger than his wildest dreams. He had long outgrown the need to have someone read to him but it was nice to look back on. Books had been his safety net ever since.

He liked reading muggle books- not that he'd find any of that sort in a library once owned by Walburga Black- the tales of daring princes rescuing girls locked away in towers guarded by dragons were frankly more amusing than anything , but they took him back to the nicer parts of his childhood. But most of all they had acted as way of an attempt to see himself in a better light.

His mother had gifted him dozens of books and as he had gotten older and read them he had come to notice the theme, the subtle hints that she was trying to make him see he wasn't the monster he believed he was. Frankenstein and to kill a mockingbird , the count of Monte cristo and so many more. Semi desperate attempts to show him that even though they may be fictional, people felt the same. Because all though his mother tried to understand, she never truly would. And his father could barely look at him, his guilt swallowing him whole every time he was even in the same room as his son. At least his mother had tried.

There was a quiet knock on the door a little after 3 and even though he'd been in the library almost 12 hours now, he was still annoyed at being disturbed. He hoped they'd go away when he didn't answer, but he heard the door knob turn and the door creaked as someone came in. He was ready to tell them to get out, until he saw who it was that had disturbed his silence.

She popped her head around the bookcase, her hair was morphed into a curly cut just below her chin and a bright shade of purple today. She smiled softly at him as she held up two mugs of tea, sloshing some of the liquid over the side as she did and wincing as it burnt the skin on her hand that wasn't covered by the little biker gloves she always wore.

He couldn't help but return her smile, he had come to learn that her smile was absolutely infectious and even when he was in one of his foulest moods she could still wrangle a smile out of him. It was a bit annoying actually how much she affected his mood.

" thought you might be getting a bit lonely, I can go if you want me to I just wanted to bring you something to drink. Sirius said you've not left this room all day " he normally would have rejected anyone that offered him company on full moon day, especially with only a few hours until it was dark. But he found it hard to say no to her, he liked being around her a little too much. So he shuffled over, patting the space beside him and she stepped over the books and wiggled into the gap between Remus and the book case. It was a bit of a tight squeeze but he didn't mind, and she didn't seem to mind either. He accepted the mug of tea and sipped at it, feeling it warm his empty stomach.

" oh. I got you this too " she rummaged in her pocket and pulled out a chocolate bar. It was slightly melted and a bit bent out of shape But just the knowledge that she had even thought to bring him something, never mind his favourite food, made his heart ache " I remember it's your favourite "

She remembered.

" thank you " they sat in silence and he offered her some of the chocolate and it was just.... nice. It was just as peaceful as he had been before she'd arrived, which was an odd feeling. That someone so loud and chaotic could bring him peace. She was wearing her auror robes so he guessed she probably needed a little peace herself after being at work.

" have you been reading in here all day? Sirius said I shouldn't disturb you but. Thought that maybe you'd like some company if you had been on your own all day " he nodded and let another piece of chocolate melt on his tongue " is something bothering you? wanna talk? " he shook his head. He couldn't really find words right now, his brain refusing to co operate with his mouth as the full moon drew closer "do you want me to talk? I'm very good at distracting " he couldn't help but agree with her. She was unbelievably distracting, to him anyways. He nodded at her again and she smiled

" alright. I'll talk " she talked about anything and everything. From the mission at work she'd been on that morning and the one she was going out on with the order in a couple of hours time. Right back to her mischief in Hogwarts. He thought that if she had been at school with him, she'd have fit in perfectly with the marauders. She was practically the female version of Sirius, he wondered how he'd have coped having two people that chaotic running around him. They'd probably have lived in detention, even more so than they already had.

It was nice to listen to her, to watch her face light up at the memories, her hands flying all over the place as she animated what she was saying. Which ended up with her mug flying up into the air, thankfully Remus caught it before it smashed.

She was utterly riveting and he found himself hanging off every word she said, every wave of her hand, every sound affect she added, every raise of her eyebrow. She was just truly fascinating to watch. And for the first time since he had met her he truly realised how beautiful she was. Of course he had thought she was beautiful before, but he'd never truly _looked_ at her. And _M_ _erlins beard_ she was so beautiful. She had similar features to most members of the Black family. The high cheek bones and the slender nose. But that was were she seemed to draw the line. The rest of her was very un-Black. And what he assumed must be very Tonks

She had the cheekbones but her face wasn't as sharp as the rest of the Blacks, her eyes weren't the characteristic piercing shade of blue grey. They were warm and dark. He wondered if it was her natural face or she had simply morphed it that way " - and then he comes running out of his office with his trousers on fire and that stupid cat of his running after him! You should have seen his face Remus. Served him right for being such a miserable git all the time " she had a twinkle in her eye as she retold her mischief, one that he was familiar with. He had seen it in Sirius and James' eyes.

The sun started to set around 6 and Remus knew he needed to get going. But he was enjoying being in Tonks presence too much to say anything just yet. She had fallen silent again now but it was still nice. He had realised a long time ago that being able to be silent and comfortable with someone was hard to find. Being able to just sit and enjoy someone's company without even a hint of awkwardness.

She sat twiddling with the silver badge on her robes, the ministry's logo with 'auror' engraved below it. He was still impressed by the fact that she had managed to qualify as an auror, and so young too. He'd read all about the training. It was infamously difficult and new aurors were rare, Tonks had mentioned that before she had qualified it had been a good three or four years since the last. By 6:30 Moody was wrapping his fist on the library door shouting through for Tonks.

" I best get going before he knocks the bloody door off its hinges " she got to her feet, stretching her arms out above her head " I don't know what time I'll be back. So I'm guessing I'll see you tomorrow? " he nodded and she hesitated for a moment before leaning down and hugging him tightly, the scent of her shampoo and perfume filling his senses as her hair tickled at his face. His senses were always hyper aware on a full moon and the days leading up to it. So the artificial strawberry smell from her hair was almost a little overwhelming to him " be safe yeah "

" you too " she pulled back and hurried out of the library, pulling off her robes as she did as if she had forgotten she was still in uniform, and tossing them over onto the desk as she passed. He sat there for a moment more, the strawberry shampoo lingering in his nose and the soft feel of her hair still on his cheek. Was he really that depraved of human contact that something as small as a hug had sent his heart fluttering? He stood up and walked over to where she had thrown her robes, picking them up and folding them neatly. Her perfume hit his nose as he did. It was as exactly as he had imagined, nothing flirty or floral like most girls he had known. It was spicy, cinnamon and berries. It was a little intoxicating.

" moony. Are you still there? " his silence was broken for the second time that day, this time by Sirius. He straightened the little auror badge on Tonks robes before going over to the door and opening it to see Sirius stood in the hall " it's getting dark mate. Are you ready to go? " Sirius was already holding his robes and he nodded, taking it from him and pulling it on " you know where you're going? You're all ready? " Sirius asked with some concern in his face for his old friend " are you sure you want to go so far away? I told you I can just shut you in the basement. Some protective charms on the door and you won't be able to get out Remus I'll make absolute sure of-"

" no " he said, cutting him off mid sentence " absolutely not. I'm not taking the risk of changing in a house with people in. Protective charms or not. I'll be fine "

" it's a long way to apparate Remus, for someone that doesn't apparate often "

" I'll. be. Fine " he said and patted Sirius' arm and gave him a smile that he hoped was reassuring. He didn't apparate much. But he'd done it often enough to have the skill. And he knew his location so well that it would be easy as pie as long as he focused. Sirius didn't seem convinced at all but nodded, knowing he'd never be able to beat Remus in an argument. Especially on full moon night.

" I still don't know why you won't let me come with you "

" Sirius you're the most wanted wizard in the country. I'll have no doubt Peter has let slip about padfoot by now too, If someone saw you- no. You need to stay here. I'll be fine " Sirius didn't seem convinced and morphed into padfoot, looking up at him with the biggest eyes he could " don't give me those puppy dog eyes. You know they don't work on me pads they never have "

He rolled onto his back then, trying every trick in the book. It used to work with Lily, all Sirius had to do was give her the puppy eyes and roll around a bit and she would say yes to anything and everything he suggested. It even worked on James sometimes.

When he realised it wasn't working he morphed back and rolled his eyes.

" I'm cute as fuck as a dog, the moons making you blind " Remus scoffed and shook his head. The mention of the moon made him realise he really needed to get going. Sirius gave him a hard hug and after a quick goodbye he apparated out of the house, appearing moments later outside of his own cottage with a crack.

He hated looking at the place he had to call home, with its crumbling walls and that one hole in the roof that always appeared no matter how many times he fixed it. But he wasn't here for his cottage, that damned building couldn't keep a pixie contained never mind a werewolf. So he turned away from it and headed into the nearby woods, not even bothering to go inside.

He hadn't been inside of the cottage in months. The last time being before Grimmauld place was appointed head quarters. Sirius had stayed with him for a short while before he made the move into Grimmauld place. And he had to admit that it had been nice to not spend the moons alone, to have his companion back again. But it hadn't been as joyous as they had thought. The few moons they had shared they hadn't left the house.

Sirius being there had been enough to keep the wolf interested, to keep him from wandering off. But they had mostly just sat, even the wolf realising that one of his old playmates was back. But there should have been 3. Padfoot had simply lay on the ground, his snout between his paws. Whining softly every now and again. The wolf had tried to play a little, shuffling and nudging him until he grew bored. And had ended up in a similar position to pads. Padfoot being there had almost made him miss prongs even more. Even wormy, well the wormy they had known before his betrayal that was.

His mind drifted to Tonks again as he walked through the bracken, he wondered how she was doing on her mission with moody. She had said it wouldn't really be dangerous but he got the feeling it was. Especially if she'd been paired with moody. He may be completely barmy now but he was one of the most powerful aurors the ministry had ever had. But then again so was Tonks.

He kept walking through the woods and tried not to think about her anymore. He'd found himself thinking about her a little too often just lately, it wasn't right. He shouldn't be thinking about her so much, they were colleagues. It was weird. They were just friends. He had to remind himself that.

He found the spot he was looking for then, waving his wand to make the hatch appear. He had found the place a few weeks after moving into his cottage, he suspected it had been an old bunker from when the muggles had gone to war with each other. And now it was the perfect place for his transformations. He had hidden the entrance so that only he could find it and no muggles would stumble upon it too. He didn't want to think about what would happen if a muggle went down there.

He opened the hatch and took one last look at the sky before climbing down the steep stairs. As he pulled the hatch down behind him, it locked and plunged him into darkness. It wouldn't open again until the sun came up.

He waved his hand and the few candles along the stairs lit up and the bunker at the bottom of the stairs did too. He kept his head down as he walked down the stairs, trying to ignore the marks of years of transforming on the walls. Long and deep scratch marks, stains of blood that wouldn't shift even with the toughest Scourgify charms.

The bunker was completely empty apart from one trunk to minimise the damage he could cause, he remembered the state he had made of the furniture in the shrieking shack in his years at school. So he had opted to keep the bunker bare. He took a deep breathe to try and calm himself before stripping out of his clothes and placed them into the trunk along with his wand. And then he sat and waited.

The waiting was the worst part, his brain would spin off and leave him as he anticipated the horror to come. He had to force it to stay focused on something. His mind drifted to Tonks again and the hours they had spent together that afternoon. It had been the most relaxed he had felt in a long time, which was shocking for a full moon day. Listening to her talk and seeing her smile was one of the few things that brought him joy just lately, which was as terrifying as it was exciting.

She was still on his mind as his body started to change, twisting and cracking painfully as the moon hit its highest point. Starting with a deep ache in his bones which turned to a shattering feeling as his body altered. Until he forgot who he was, the wolf coming out of his cage and attacking his brain, Taking over for the night, desperate for a human to tear apart. And when it found there were none within reach, it attacked its host. Scratching and tearing, sinking it's teeth into the only flesh it could find.

Remus tried as he did every month to stay in control even a little, to minimise the damage he did. But the wolf was stronger. More powerful. He pushed forward in his mind, taking the reigns and leaving Remus' own conscious locked away for the night.

It grew angrier as the night progressed, so desperate for a human to eat that it chewed at its own paws instead. Sunk its claws into its own skin. And Remus again , like every month , stopped trying to gain control and let himself be overpowered. He wasn't strong enough to fight it and he doubted he ever would be. 

++++

He came round again several hours later. Flat on his back, sweating and breathless, his entire body aching and throbbing. He could feel several wounds stinging on his skin but he couldn't find the energy to look at them just yet. He stared up at the ceiling, there was blood on it. And a turn of his head showed blood on the walls too. He closed his eyes again. The usual feeling of hatred and dread filling his brain as it always did the morning after.

_You're a monster. Look what you did._

He felt sick and he had to force himself not to be. He felt the panic rising then, the tell tale tingling in his hands and feet as his heart rate soared. He closed his eyes but all he could see was red, blood splatters everywhere as if they were tattooed to his eyelids.

He took deep breathes and tried to calm himself, forcing the now tired wolf back into his cage for another month. Fighting for the reigns of control back, so he could be back in charge again.

_You're a monster_

He ignored it, instead focussing on the throbbing in his left arm. Forcing his brain to focus on the pain so it couldn't focus on the voice. Couldn't focus on the wolf. And after a while it worked, he managed to slow his breaths. Managed to slow his shaking down to its usual minimum. And he lay there on his back repeating his monthly mantra to himself.

_You're not a monster , you're human_   
_This isn't your fault , you're innocent_   
_You're going to be okay. It's going to be okay_

He repeated it over and over until he had pushed his demons back into their cage for a little while, and his heart was ever so slightly slower. He got to his feet, holding onto the wall as the room span for a moment. His joints popped painfully as he did, trying to readjust themselves back into their correct place. He took his wand from his trunk and saw that most of his wounds had stopped bleeding for the most part. And decided to sort the proper healing of them later and just cast a few basic spells that would at least get him home.

He wanted to get out of the bunker as soon as he could.

He slowly got himself dressed again as his aching body refused speed and he cast a few cleaning spells in the place before making a quick exit, not wanting to be in there any longer than he had to be.

It was early, the moon having not long disappeared. He took deep breathes of the country air, sitting down on a fallen tree for a moment. It felt odd to be back in the woods. He had gotten so used to living at Grimmauld place, it felt more like home than this place did now. Surrounded by people all the time and not having to worry about food or rent or a job. Back with his friends. With people he cared about and that cared about him.

He was half tempted to go back to his cottage to try and clean himself up there. But he'd told Sirius he'd be straight back. He dug around his pocket for the small bottle of Vitamix potion and downed it in one. He sat for a few minutes, giving the potion a moment or two to take effect before using all the strength he had left in him to apparate back to London.

When Remus landed on the steps of 12 Grimmauld place he was exhausted, the last of his energy gone. His entire body was aching and he wanted nothing more than to go to sleep. No potion on the planet could of made him feel any better he was certain.

He opened the front door and walked along the hall. Though he took one glance at the long flight of stairs and sighed. He wasn't sure he could make it up the stairs just yet. He poked his head into the living room to see Sirius fast asleep in the armchair. He didn't want to wake him when sleep was just as rare for him as it was for Remus these days. So he let him sleep, closing the door softly behind him again.

Another look at the stairs and his aching body said no. So he went down into the kitchen to make some tea instead. Tea always made him feel better. Any day. Any time. Tea helped. He gripped on tightly to the railing as he walked down into the kitchen, stopping twice as his body started to protest at the effort. Going down a flight of stairs was easier than going up, but it still had its challenges.

He eventually made it and was surprised to see that Nymphadora was in there. She was sat on the counter by the sink, one leg up to her chest as she wiped at her knee through a rip in her jeans that he wasn't sure was intentional or had been caused by her injury. She looked up when she saw him, that same goofy smile on her face that she always had. He had to admit that her presence instantly brightened his mood.

" wotcher, Remus " he noticed she had a split lip and a bruise forming on her cheek as well as the wound on her knee. It made his stomach drop, seeing her hurt. And angry. Like if he wasn't feeling like he was about to fall apart any second, he'd have wanted to kill whoever had hurt her. And that was strange. He blamed it on the full moon messing with his self control again.

" ah bollocks " she muttered as her lip started bleeding again and she wiped at it with the back of her hand.

" are you okay? What happened? " Remus asked, trying to ignore the stabbing pain in his side. She scoffed at that, raising an eyebrow.

" you're asking me that? Have you seen yourself. Sit down. Let me clean you up " he hesitated. Making himself that vulnerable to her was terrifying, letting her see the terrible things he had inflicted upon himself in his mad rage at having no humans to tear apart. He didn't want to scare her away, not when they were getting so close. Friends were rare for him so having her was like a miracle. He couldn't push her away.

He should just go and wake Sirius. Sirius he was comfortable with helping him.

" it's okay. I'm going to bed, I only came down here for tea " he tried to inch towards the door but she hopped down from the counter and shook her head, her hands on her hips 

" sit down. Stop being so proud and let me help you out. It's not a bad thing to accept help sometimes Remus " the look on her face meant she wasn't going to take no for an answer and he was far too tired to argue with her. The clear Black family trait of unbelievable stubbornness in her showing. So he slumped down at the table, his aching joints practically sighing in relief. She grabbed her wand from off the counter and summoned a bowl of water and a towel " you're lucky. I did pretty well with the healing segment of my auror training "

Common healing spells didn't always do much to cursed wounds, so she did what she could and cleaned him with the water for the rest. She dismissed herself for a second to rummage around in the cabinets under the sink and found an old healing kit, with half empty potion bottles and some dusty handbooks on the basics of healing.

She started with his arms and he was thankful that she didn't question the claw marks and the bites, he didn't want to have to explain them. To tell her how he had torn at his own skin because there was no one else there for him to attack.

She simply worked in silence, wordlessly casting healing spells and dropping small amounts of some of the healing potions onto his skin. She was gentler than he could have expected, her usually clumsy hands were light against his wounds. She stayed quiet but the silence wasn't as welcomed as usual, he needed a repeat of yesterday, needed her to talk. To ramble on. To Distract him. He needed that comfort blanket of words again, the words of someone else.

His mother had once told him that you could drown in silence. He hadn't understood what she had meant at the time, but as he had grown older he had come to learn what it meant. And how true it was. Silence was welcomed sometimes. But other times it felt like it was suffocating him, smothering him. His demons thrived on silence, taking advantage of his numbness and emptiness and scrambling his brain. You definitely could drown in silence.

" what happened to you? How was the mission? " he asked suddenly, needing to hear her talk. Needing to hear the silence filled. She shrugged and tapped her wand to his arm and fresh white bandages appeared to cover his wounds.

" some death eater. They love to resist arrest. He had quite the right hook, got me right in the fucking face. Sent me flying and face planted a fucking wall didn't I " she said with a gesture towards her face. The bruise looked worse up close, a graze glowing red atop it. He found himself reaching out to touch her cheek without even thinking about it. She pulled away slightly as his fingers brushed her sensitive skin and he blushed and went to draw his hand away but she moved back again "s'okay , doesn't really hurt " she said quietly.

He then looked down at her split lip. It was bleeding again, the red stark against her pale skin. He found his wand in his pocket, not focussed enough to do wandless magic, and touched the top lightly to her wound and healed her. The split in her lip sealed itself back together as if it had never been there at all " hey. I'm meant to be healing you here. Not the other way around... but thank you. Did sting a bit "

They were quiet for only a few moments but it felt like a lifetime. He felt like he was drowning looking into her eyes so closely, like all the air was being taken from his lungs. He looked away with his cheeks burning. He chanced a glance at her and she was smiling to herself and wetting the towel again.

" you're bleeding through your shirt " she pointed out, wringing out the towel " let me see " he looked down to see his shirt was stained red but it felt too... Intimate. And the amount of scars he had on his chest- he couldn't let her see that. He couldn't, he hadn't scared her away just yet. But those scars... if she saw what he was capable of...

" no. It's fine. It's old blood. I'll be fine "

" Remus- "

" I said it's fine " she raised her hands in defence as he snapped at her.

" alright. I'm sorry. I'll do your face and then I'll be outta your way okay " he felt a little bad for snapping at her, but she didn't seem too bothered and quickly cleaned his face. But he noticed she avoided his eyes as she did.

When she was done she moved away from him, waving the bowl and towel away too " you should go rest. You look bloody exhausted " he got the feeling he'd annoyed her but when she turned around she had a small smile and two mugs of tea " take it to bed with you if you want " he was still trying to get used to her unnatural kindness towards him. People weren't nice to him. Yet she always seemed to go out of her way to make him smile or feel comfortable.

" I'll drink this with you " she seemed pleased with that and sat down in the chair next to him " tell me about your mission. Other than getting punched in the face by a death eater "

" moody and myself were watching a known Death Eaters house. I don't even remember his name now, someone still around from the first war. We got him but he put up a fight. Bastard punched me right in the face when I tried to grab him, knocked me off my feet and I face planted a wall " she was laughing about it but Remus showed nothing but concern

" you might have concussion you should try to stay awake a little longer before sleeping. Just in case " he found that he had such a strong feeling of worry for her and the anger he felt knowing that someone had dared to lay their hands on her. It was too much for his scattered brain to understand at the present moment. And he was not ready to even attempt to discuss it or figure it out. So he did what he did best. And he ran away from it

" I'm going up to bed now I think. I need to rest " he downed the rest of his tea, burning his mouth slightly. Tonks nodded and looked a little disappointed that he was going but she took his empty mug and tossed them into the sink " thank you for helping me. I really do appreciate it "

" no problem " she said with a wave of her hand as she cleaned the mugs and sent them floating back to their rightful places on the shelf " I'll help you up hang on " he didn't have time to protest. She hurried over and grabbed his arm and placed a hand on his back. He could feel his cheeks burning and her hand on his back felt like it was searing through his jacket.

He was thankful for the help though, even with her small size she was a great help. She helped him all the way to his room and gave him another hug that left him just as confused as the last, standing on her tip toes to link her arms tightly around his neck. And then she she took him by surprise again and pressed a soft kiss to his cheek " just down the hall if you need me, too tired to go back to my place. Sleep tight, don't let the doxies bite! " she said with a slight laugh and then turned on her heel and disappeared into her own room down the hall.

He stood there a little gobsmacked and his hand moved up to touch his cheek without asking it too. He heard stirring downstairs and quickly closed his door, not at all in the mood to deal with Sirius so early in the morning. Not now. Especially as Remus knew he'd probably be a little pissed at him for not waking him up.

As he finally dropped into bed he lay staring at the ceiling, his mind running over and over the images of Tonks helping him. Other than James and Sirius , no one had really ever shown him the care and attention that she had. Ever. Especially when they knew about his condition. Yet she seemed to be completely unbothered by it she treated him like he was a human. Like an equal.

No one had ever shown him such care since his friends. No one had made him feel normal since them.

*  
 _" you missed a good party last night mate. Peter threw up so hard it came out his nose " James said as he recalled the party to Remus, who hadn't long appeared in the common room. It had been a full moon on Friday night and he had spent the majority of Saturday and Sunday morning in the hospital wing recovering. It had been a bad one this month, he caught an artery and lost a lot of blood._

_" my nose still burns " Peter whined, rubbing at his nose that was bright red. It was 3pm on a Sunday and Sirius was still in bed. Both peter and James having woken up not long ago either. It seemed he really had missed a good party, the common room didn't seem to have taken much damage though. Apart from one of the arm chairs in the corner that seemed to be drooping in the middle more than normal, clearly some more of the springs had snapped._

_" where were you again anyway? Wasn't your mum again was it? " he'd used that excuse far too many times now. He'd used every excuse too much now, they were all starting to get a little too suspicious about his monthly disappearances. They were all around each other 24/7, they knew each other inside out. Remus knew that it was only a matter of time until they really did find out._

_" I was catching up on homework with McGonagall and then I went with sprout to collect some new mandrakes for the greenhouses. She asked for a volunteer. I volunteered " they didn't seem to believe him at all but he hoped their hungover brains wouldn't question it further. And they didn't thankfully. James potter, ever the oblivious one._

_" I'm hungry " Peter piped up and Remus was thankful for the derailing of the conversation away from his disappearance on Friday._

_" wanna go get some food, Peters got pally with some of the house elves they'll give us something. coming Re? " he declined their offer and made his way up to the dorm. Sirius was sprawled out on his bed, his tie wrapped around his head, one shoe on and shirt half buttoned. He walked over to make sure he was actually asleep, poking his face lightly and whispering his name. But he was dead to the world. He checked once more before peeling off his sweater._

_His arms ached at the effort, the wounds that wouldn't heal with magic and had had to be stitched closed pulled as he tried to get changed. He stood for a moment with his eyes closed and taking deep breaths to will away the pain. When it passed he sighed and rummaged around for a clean sweater in his trunk._

_He hadn't had a moon this bad in a while. He was trying to get better at controlling himself each moon, destroying the furniture in the shack rather than attacking himself. But it had been more difficult this time. And he had torn at his body, catching an artery as he did. He was almost certain he would have bled out if madam Pomfrey hadn't had come to fetch him when she did. He barely even remembered her moving him from the shack to the hospital wing. He'd been out for almost a day and had woken up wrapped in bandages with a pitiful look from madam Pomfrey._

_He looked at himself in the little mirror in his trunk, the thick and rippled skin where his scars were. They made him feel sick. His fingers found the one he hated the most. The deep bite marks on his shoulder from that very first bite that had changed his life. They were over a decade old but the bite mark shaped scars looked red and fresh as his other scars. He sighed and tossed the mirror back into his trunk._

_" been fighting the giant squid in the lake again moony? " Remus startled at Sirius' groggy voice and he hurried to pull on his clean sweater, ignoring the pain the sudden movements caused._

_" what? No- fell over. Fell down the stairs" his excuses were getting absolutely terrible. No way would a fall down the stairs have given him the amount of wounds he had. Sirius sat up and yanked the tie off of his head, his long black hair still somehow looking as perfect as ever. He always had the urge to want to run his fingers through it and he had let Lily teach him how to braid just so he could braid Sirius' hair just for that reason. Sirius wouldn't let anyone touch his hair, but he always seemed to let Remus._

_" moony... I'm not as thick as I look. Why are you lying to me? " he walked over to where Remus was sat by his trunk and sat down beside him, placing a hand on his shoulder " let me see " Remus shook his head. He couldn't_ _" Re. I'm not gonna do anything. Just want to see " he pushed at Remus' sweater sleeve and Remus pulled away harshly, pulling the sleeves over his hands._

_" I told you. I fell down the stairs. It's not anything important Sirius " he stood up and made himself look busy by making his bed, pulling the sheets a little too aggressively that he almost punched himself in the face._

_" stairs lined with fucking knifes were they? " he gave up on his bed and instead walked over to the window seat and sat down, pulling the pack of cigarettes out from under the blanket where he had left them. He lit it with his wand and leant his head back against the wall. He knew smoking was a bad habit. But healthy self care was pointless when you were damned to a life of being a werewolf in his eyes. He heard Sirius moving closer to him and then a soft hand on his knee as Sirius sat on the window seat by Remus' feet._

_" Remus... " he started to speak but trailed off as if changing his mind. He reached over and plucked the cigarette from between Remus' fingers, Remus opened his eyes and watched as Sirius took a long drag " sharing is caring moony " he said to Remus' slightly annoyed look. He wished it was something a little stronger as they passed the cigarette between them in silence._

_" I know, you know Remus " he said after a while when they'd chain smoked through 4 more cigarettes, his voice ever so slightly croaky as a result " I'm not as smart as you but I'm not stupid either. And I want you to know that it's okay. I don't care. And neither will James or Peter " he didn't know what to say. He knew they'd discover his secret at some point. But he hadn't prepared himself for it in he slightest._

_" I don't know what you're talking about. I think You're still drunk pads " he_ _said in his best attempt at a calm voice. He_ _reached over to take the cigarette but Sirius held it out of his reach and grabbed his wrist._

_" stop lying to me " Remus winced as Sirius' strong grip caught on one of his fresh bandages " you're a W- "_

_" please don't say it " he closed his eyes again. He was still unsure of how he felt about this situation. He wasn't as scared as he thought he would have been at his secret being found out by his friend. But it was still terrifying._ _He knew they'd find out eventually. He and the boys were barely ever apart, they'd have to have been completely brainless to not think something was going on. And they weren't, they were smart all of them. It couldn't have taken long for them to spot patterns._

_" how long have you known " he asked after a moment. Guessing it must have been a while now._

_" I've known something was wrong since second year. Thought you were being abused at home at first... the scars and everything and seeming so sheepish when you said you had to go visit your mum each month. But then I spotted patterns.... did a little research. I haven't told anyone " Remus caught his eye again at that. Anyone else would have ran straight to tell everyone, warn everyone, if they suspected a werewolf was living among them. But he hadn't._

_" I understand if you want to tell people, if you want me expelled " Sirius raised an eyebrow at him as he said as if it was the stupidest thing ever._

_"_ _fuck off, I'm not telling anyone._ _it's okay Re. I don't care. James won't care. Neither will Peter. You're still the same lanky little shit we all know and love. You're still our moony. My moony "_ _Remus shook his head and turned away. He was saying he didn't care now, but if he ever saw what he was capable of on a full moon...._

_" I'm a monster Sirius... look at what I did to myself. What I could do to someone else.. " he felt tears suddenly pooling in his eyes and he couldn't help but let them fall. Sirius pulled him in for a hug and he buried his face into his chest. Sirius had never seen him cry, he was usually so composed. But he couldn't hold it in any longer._

_Sirius held him until he stopped crying, constantly telling him that everything would be okay. Then when he was all cried out they sat and talked for what felt like hours_ _._ _Sirius helping him to decide when and how to tell James and Peter_ _, because they deserved to know. I_ _t felt as if a weight had lifted. He'd never been able to sit and tell everything to someone. And he knew that Sirius wouldn't tell, he trusted the_ _boys_ _with his life._ _His biggest secret._

 _" Sirius?! Sirriusss?! Baby are you up there?! " Sirius rolled his eyes and grabbed another cigarette from Remus' pack_ _as a high pitched voice interrupted their discussion._

 _" who's that? " Remus sniffled_ _the last of his tears_ _as Sirius blew smoke out in a huff_  
  
 _" Mary. Never met someone so bloody clingy mate, can't go ten minutes without me " Mary was the squeeze of the month for Sirius. Though he didn't seem to be thinking it would last much longer. He was happy that the topic of Mary had taken them back to normal conversation._ _Had thrown them back to normality where plans of explaining to your best friends that you were a werewolf didn't exist._

_As Sirius got up to go to Mary who was now threatening to come upstairs and get him, he gave Remus a pat on the shoulder and a whisper that they would tell the other two boys that night._

_It was nice to be back to normal. To act normal_ _, even with his secret being out._ _Sirius absolutely didn't seem to care about his condition at all. His friend didn't care. He didn't care. He still loved him, exactly as he was. Like an equal. Not the monster that he felt he was._ _He accepted him, which was a feeling he didn't know he'd ever feel again. But hoped that one day perhaps he would._


	4. Knockturn Alley

" Good morning " Sirius greeted as he disturbed Remus' silence in the library and slumped down onto the sofa with a sigh. Remus didn't look up from his spot at the desk where he was writing up a report of his previous mission, trying to remember every detail he could. He liked to be thorough.

" it's 2:30 in the afternoon " Remus remarked, dipping his quill into some more ink and continuing to write about the observations he and Emmeline had made the previous evening. He hoped Emmeline had written hers up too, Hestia had gotten into the habit of getting Remus to write hers up if they had a mission together. She said he always had a way of writing things in a way that made more sense than she did. But she had been the same during the time of the first order too so he didn't quite believe her.

" barely the afternoon " Remus rolled his eyes and kept writing, their short silence filled only by the scratching of his quill as he worked to get his report finished. Alastor would have his head if it was late, he was a stickler for timekeeping. But then again so was Remus and although he wouldn't admit it to anyone, he actually quite liked having time restraints for things. Deadlines. It gave life a little structure.

" late night again? " he asked, chancing a glance at Sirius as he did. One look was enough of an answer. He had been around a hungover Sirius more times than he could count, it was too easy to spot the signs now. Especially these days. Alcohol seemed to be Sirius' answer for any and all slight inconveniences and his way of ignoring the fact that he was living in his childhood home. Sirius had said before he didn't want to talk about it, but Remus knew. It couldn't be easy living back in Walburgas home. The home that he had spent most of his time being abused, belittled and humiliated in.

Sometimes he would look at the portrait of Walburga in the hall and be reminded of those first nights back at Hogwarts after holidays, when Sirius would sit and sob because of the abuse he had endured over the summer. Or Christmas. If he thought hard enough he could still see the marks the burning and stinging jinxes had left across Sirius' skin. He had no idea how Sirius had had the strength to last as long as he did in the house with her.

As if having to endure the nightmares that would come because of Azkaban wasn't enough, he had to relive his entire ordeal of childhood with Walburga Black too. Remus wasn't sure he'd have been able to have the strength. But then again, Sirius didn't have much choice. It was stay in the house or go out and risk arrest. And he would never do that to Harry. Plus he didn't want to give the ministry the satisfaction of capturing him again. He was too determined on keeping Harry safe and do his duty to James.

If anything Sirius black was a man of his word. And he had sworn to protect Harry all those years ago when James and lily had made him godfather. He was making up for the lost time.

" Me and Tonksie had a few drinks, she got back late from work. She couldn't sleep, you know what she's like. Too much fucking energy, for someone so small anyway. She didn't want to go back to her flat, she's here more than there just lately. But she's nice to have around " he finally looked over at Sirius with the mention of Tonks name, his interest peeking at the thought she may be in the house somewhere.

Though he had begun to become more aware of her presence just lately. He tried not to think about why. He blamed on his heightened senses as to why he just always _knew_ if she was close by.

" she's here? " he asked after a moment, trying not to seem too keen on the idea that she might be. Though he really hoped she was.

" doubt it. She said she'd be leaving first thing. I doubt she even slept, she's at the ministry this morning. Duty calls Remus! " he looked back down at his report then with the knowledge she wasn't there. He guessed it had been a little too quiet for her to be there. Though he had hoped for a decent conversation with someone other than a very hungover Sirius Black, and she always did hold a good conversation.

" she's going to work herself into the ground if she's not careful " he said softly, dipping his quill in ink again. She was working far too many hours, she spent most of her time trying not to fall asleep into her dinner when she was at Grimmauld place.

" she'll be fine. Bursting with energy she is.... she's fun, she's one of the only members of my family that's not mad. I'm glad there's someone younger in the order too, The others are so old. So dull "

" most of them are our age Sirius " Remus pointed out as Sirius kept on talking. He seemed to forget his age just lately. Remus noticed that he had taken to completely erasing Azkaban from his timeline, still seeming to be acting as if things were just as they'd been before it. A rowdy 21 year old without a care. But he wasn't fooling anyone really. Especially not Remus.

" I've been trying to find a spell to add her to the tapestry. She's not on it " Sirius continued, sounding a little sadder as he said that and Remus looked over at him again, wondering if he was entering the sombre period of his hangover " it would make it a little more bearable to look at "

" I think she'd like that " Sirius didn't seem to be completely listening to him still, staring off into the distance.

" dear old mum didn't break the spell quick enough before Ted got on it. She burned him and Andy out of course, but Tonks never made it on. I'm going to try find a spell to repair Andy and Ted. And me of course. Burn out her face instead. Old hag " Remus didn't add to the conversation, it seemed like a conversation between Sirius and himself. And he didn't like to interrupt it.

" anyway.... " he cleared his throat " Just glad someone with a bit of life in them is in the order " he said after a moment, his voice picking up, his sad moment passing him by clearly.

" you mean you're glad there's someone that can keep up with your drinking? " Remus added, trying to keep the mood light. Sirius in a mood wasn't good at the best of times, never mind with a hangover on top of that. Sirius shrugged

" same thing " Remus scoffed and put down his quill, rolling his wrist as it cramped from writing for so long. His report felt never ending.

" she's a lot like me.... I can see why you fancy her so much " he stopped what he was doing abruptly and looked up at his best friend again. So they were heading for one of those conversations again

" I- what. What gave you that idea? " Sirius laughed and raised an eyebrow, looking at him as if he'd said the stupidest thing in the world. He almost wanted the sad topic of conversation back again. Anything but Remus and his love life. Or lack there of.

" you're serious? Come the fuck on moons, I've known you long enough to know when you like someone. You're such a sap with your wistful gazing and little lovesick puppy eyes. Stop trying to deny it every time I bring it up. It's not a bad thing I told you " was he really that obvious? He thought he was quite good at hiding it " it was the same when you liked lily. And Dorcas. And me of course "

" for the record, I never liked Dorcas in that way. And as for Tonks....I do not _fancy_ her. I've told you before, we are colleagues. Friends. Nothing more than that " Sirius rolled his eyes and slumped down further so he was practically lying on the sofa " and besides.. people like her. The don't like people like me. I'm sure she already has somebody " he said softly and went back to his writing before he could get too stuck in his head. He had been thinking about her a lot more as every day passed by. A lot more. And of course with that came the thought that someone as incredible as her must have someone.

" less of the self pity when I'm hungover please moony. Because I don't have the energy to come over there and hit you for being a stupid git " he knew he was going to fall into that wallowing feeling of self pity again if he wasn't careful, but he usually could rely on Sirius to drag him back out of it again " and she doesn't. Not that I'm aware of "

It didn't do much to quell the feeling of self pity creeping over him. Sirius was quite good at pulling him out of it, but right now he didn't seem to be in the right place to do that. He'd slung an arm over his eyes and seemed to be falling asleep. But Remus had his report to distract him. He knew he needed to stop letting his emotions get the better of him. Especially in regards to Nymphadora.

Why did it matter if she had a boyfriend or not? It didn't. She deserved someone to love her and treat her right. He should ask next time he saw her maybe, to make sure she was being treated right of course. Just to make sure.

He was almost at the end of his report when Sirius finally spoke again after a good period of being quiet, clearly having fallen asleep.

" moony. You and Tonksie, you're on a mission together tonight? " he asked as if he hadn't fallen asleep at all, continuing his conversation where he'd left of. And Remus guessed Sirius hadn't meant to fall asleep. Remus himself cursed under his breath at Sirius' sudden talking, the small shock making his quill slip and a large ink blot appeared on his parchment. He'd have to redo that entire section now.

" yes. We are " he muttered and tried not to let any annoyance slip into his voice. He was successful for the most part.

" you're welcome for that by the way. Where is it anyway? What have they got you doing? " Sirius sat up seeming to be a little more awake after his power nap.

" Knockturn alley.... But you had something to do with it? " Sirius ignored his question with a wave of his hand. He took that as a yes.

" oh how romantic. A stroll amongst the nutters and the dark art loving pure blood maniacs. You know how to treat a girl moons " Remus said nothing, he didn't want to have to get into that conversation again " what's next? Take her for romantic dinner in a graveyard? You need some girl advice" Remus put his quill down again and sat back in his chair. Clearly he wasn't going to have any more peace and quiet to finish his report today.

" and you want me to take girl advice from you? " Sirius shrugged and pointed at himself with a smirk.

" I've had a lot of experience. You've never had a girlfriend... or have you? " he seemed a lot more interested in the conversation then and leant forward, a smirk on his face. Remus rolled his eyes and started to put anyway his quill and ink " you have?! Moony you dog. Who? Do I know them? " Remus sighed and stood up, rolling his neck that was aching from being bent over his report for hours. He was acting like a child again. Or a puppy. Far too excitable about non important things.

" I haven't. Even if I had I'm sorry to say pads but I would not take a single ounce of girl advice from you " he tried to laugh at the end to show he was only joking. But Sirius was already slumping back on the sofa at the sound of no juicy information regarding Remus' non existent love life.

" boring " Remus finished tidying up the desk in silence, only the noise of Sirius having fallen asleep for background noise. He was snoring quite loudly on the sofa, another power nap in progress. He looked a little more like his younger self when he slept. The laughter lines all but vanished, the years of wear from Azkaban were still there of course just a little less noticeable. He looked more like the boy he had once loved. Or thought he had loved. He still couldn't be certain, even over a decade later.

But now wasn't the time to be thinking of things like that. He had a mission to be preparing for, and one glance at his ink stained hands and threadbare sweater made him frown. He needed to make some form of an effort for Nymphadoras sake at least. He ignored the fact that he _wanted_ to make an effort for Nymphadoras sake and grabbed his half finished report and headed out of the room.

+++++

Nymphadora had been overjoyed to see that she and Remus had fallen upon the same mission together again. It was happening more and more just lately and she was certain Sirius had something to do with it. He was still seeming keen on playing match maker with the both of them, though she didn't really mind. She liked working with Remus. She liked spending time with him and she had come to notice that he definitely seemed to be getting more comfortable with her, opening up to her more. And a mission was a good excuse to talk to him for hours, with none of the other occupants of Grimmauld place to disturb them. Especially Sirius. But it wasn't all fun and games, it was work after all.

Today's mission was slightly more serious than the rest they had been on together. So far they had been on a few watches with no real outcome and they had worked the department of mysteries shift together. But today they had orders other than ' just keep watch '. A shop owner in Knockturn alley that knew Mad-eye had given him a tip off that a known death eater, and regular in her store, would be visiting her. And so they were going to be waiting to pounce.

She hadn't given them much information at all and Tonks was already doubting if it was a real tip off or not, or just another paranoid witch suspecting everyone. Or looking to get her hands on the reward money for information.

But even if it was a dud, as Mad-eye had told them they had a 'duty to the order to check out any reports of suspicious people' so they had to check. So there they were, skulking around the dark twists and turns of Knockturn alley, trying not to look out of place. She'd morphed her hair dark, not wanting to stand out, and both her and Remus were dressed in dark robes with their hoods up. Everyone down Knockturn looked like they didn't want to be seen, so she thought they blended in quite well.

Knockturn alley was just as creepy as Nymphadora remembered from her last trip there. The streets were empty, giving it an almost eerie feeling with only the occasional slightly mad looking wizard mumbling to themselves. The shop fronts were nothing alike their Diagon alley neighbours, not a single slither of light coming from any of the windows, no cheery displays outside the shop fronts. No little first years running in and out of the doors in amazement. Bits of rubbish rumbling along in the breeze.

" it's down this way I believe " Remus said lowly by her side as they slipped through the shadowy street. The entire atmosphere of knockturn alley made Tonks feel uneasy. As if she could sense the dark magic around her, maybe she could. She'd trained so hard to defend herself and others against it that maybe she could sense it now. Remus seemed tense too. Even more so than her.

" are you alright? " she asked lowly as they turned down one of the little side streets hidden down knockturn alley towards the shop they needed. She looked around before stopping, placing a hand on his arm " Remus? "

" there are werewolves down here.... I can smell them " so that's why he was so on edge " which means they can probably smell me too if they're not preoccupied. We need to get inside now" she nodded and gestured for him to keep walking until they reached the shop they were looking for. Remus tapped three times on the door as Tonks looked around making sure no one was following them.

A few moments passed and there was the sound of a dozen locks being opened before the door creaked ajar and the face of an old witch with grey hair so fine it was practically transparent appeared.

" we're here for the collection of the flesh eating slug repellent " the woman nodded as Remus confirmed their identity with the agreed phrase and she let them inside, closing the door for a moment to drop the security chain " has he visited you yet? "

" no. no one has been yet" said the woman, relocking the door. It made Tonks feel a little uneasy watching her bolt all the locks again. They'd been informed they could trust this woman, after all she had been the one to spill the beans on the supposed death eater paying her a visit tonight. But Tonks didn't know her at all and she subconsciously started eyeing the place in case they needed a quick exit " he didn't specify a time, you can go back there if you like. I have some things to do around here but I made you some tea "

Remus thanked her and she showed them into what looked like a store room slash staff room towards the back of the store. Tonks eyed the various things as they went by the shelves trying to understand what the store even specified in selling. But there was such a random collection of items she didn't have the foggiest idea. One shelf held notebooks which seemed to be quietly growling with beady little eyes that followed her as she passed. Above them were what looked like small replicas of various magical creature skeletons. Well. She hoped they were replicas.

They were ushered into the store room and the woman, who Tonks hadn't even thought to ask the name of, closed the door softly behind herself as she left. Tonks shoved her wand into her knee high boot and plonked herself quite ungracefully into one of the old wooden chairs, which gave a loud creak as she did. She unclasped her robes, proudly displaying her favourite weird sisters T-shirt. She was certain it brought her luck.

" and now we wait " she said with a sigh. She hated waiting. She had absolutely no patience and a practically non existent attention span and she was already starting to think about how bloody boring this was going to be. But then again, Remus had proved himself to be quite distracting in their previous missions together.

The pair were getting cosier by the day. Not that Remus seemed to want to do anything about it. She wasn't exactly subtle either in her blatant- yet mildly bad- attempts at flirting with him. He would flirt back just as ferociously most of the time, but still he hadn't made any type of move and she was getting the feeling that he probably wouldn't either. she'd never been one to shy away from making the first move, but she didn't want to risk ruining things.

She watched as he picked up the tea pot that the witch had left them and poured them both a cup of tea. He handed her a cup and sat down in the chair opposite to her " who is it that's coming anyway? " she asked as she sipped the tea, wincing as it burnt her lip.

" just a death eater, Thad all Alastor told me " they were quiet for a few minutes before he reached over to one of the shelves and plucked a book from it, he examined the cover for a moment or two before blowing off some dust and started to read. She'd never been one for reading. She got bored too easily. She started rocking on her chair, looking across at Remus as he read whatever book it was that he had found.

His face was furrowed in concentration and she kept watching him, chewing on her sleeve. She'd gotten quite content with watching Remus on their various missions. She liked watching him, liked letting her mind wander off and daydream about him. She'd been doing that a lot recently, daydreaming. Her mind drifting off and putting all kinds of scenarios in her head. She thought about kissing him a lot. A lot.

It was silly really, she knew that they were simply colleagues and they really needed to stay professional. But she couldn't help herself. She'd never met someone quite like Remus Lupin before, so closed off from everyone but so seeming comfortable with her. Even Sirius had commented on it to her when they had both been sat up late the previous night.

*  
 _" I know you're fed up with me talking about it by now. But you and Remus- "_

_" are just friends " she said, cutting Sirius off and tossing another dead rat in Buckbeaks direction as she sipped at her bottle of beer. The hippogriff munched happily on the dead animal, seemingly content with having Sirius leant against him as long as he had a constant stream of food._

_" he told me that he told you about Greyback. He doesn't just go around telling everyone that you know. It means he trusts you " she did have to admit that her heart warmed at that. Because she had come to trust him too, with her life it seemed. But she'd always gotten easily attached to people, take Charlie for the example. The second she had met him on her first day at Hogwarts she'd latched onto him and they'd been inseparable ever since._

_" just know... he won't go making moves on you, you could drop to your knees and confess your undying love for him and he'd still question in whether or not you even want to talk to him. Trust me..... I know " Tonks had come to realise by now the extent of what Sirius and Remus' relationship had been, not that she cared at all. Live and let live she said. It wasn't like she hadn't experimented a bit too. It didn't bother her in the slightest, but she did wonder if Remus hadn't mentioned it because he thought it would bother her?_

_She was actually in awe at the pairs ability to have gone through what they did together, to have loved each other, fallen out of love and yet still be the best of friends. She definitely couldn't have done that. " what I'm trying to say is. If you are thinking of going there. Having a relationship I mean. You need to be prepared. The man has more trust issues than I thought was even possible and he spends 90% of his time feeling sorry for himself. Just, take things at his pace. I know you, you're like a bloody box of nifflers crashing around and taking things at a million miles an hour " he said the last part with a hint of joking in his voice but she didn't laugh._

_For once in his life Sirius was being serious. Had Remus said more to Sirius than just telling him about his confession regarding Greyback? Had he said something regarding her? Is that why she was suddenly getting the dos and don'ts of dating Remus Lupin? From his ex boyfriend of all people?_

_" where's this all coming from. I never mentioned anything about a relationship Sirius. We're friends. Just Friends " Sirius shrugged and stroked his hand over Buckbeaks feathers absentmindedly and took a big gulp of his beer, Buckbeak nudging his head into Sirius hand._

_" I know Remus better than he knows himself Tonks. I see how happy he is around you. It's only been what? A few months? But look how much he is able to talk to you about. I know you see it too. How his face lights up around you. How no matter how grumpy he is, He lets you sit with him when he won't let anyone else. And don't think I didn't notice you two sharing mugs at the table all the time. Making a beeline for each other every time you're in the same room together. He even let you help him after a full moon Tonks. That's big " she shrugged at that as if it didn't bother her, even though her heart was racing._

_" he didn't really have much choice on the full moon. I practically forced him to sit down before he bloody bled out " Sirius shook his head and tossed his empty bottle to the other side of the room , where a small pile had formed, and grabbed a new one from the pile in between him and Tonks._

_" he still let you " it was all a lot to process when her head was getting slightly fuzzy as she sipped on her 4th bottle of beer. She had to admit that they had become unbelievably close. And she did have a habit of catching feelings fast, but was also used to not having the other person reciprocate things in the same timeframe. If what Remus was feeling even was him reciprocating things._

_Of course she had started to notice that he had started behaving in the similar manner to her in the sense that she was quite certain he was trying to flirt with her from time to time. But were things going too fast? Was it possible to go too fast with someone you hadn't even kissed? In the past she hadn't waited nearly this long before making a move. In the past she had never been scared to make a move. But she didn't want to push Remus away._

_" so your point to this lecture is? " she finally said and Sirius shrugged again, handing the last of the dead rats to Buckbeak who snapped it up eagerly before settling down as if to go to sleep._

_" be gentle with him. And maybe go at 900,000 thousands miles per hour rather than a million? " she smirked into her bottle_

_" I'll go for 950,000 miles and that's my best offer "_

_" 940,000 "_

_" 945,000. Final offer "_

_" done " they both laughed then and she leant her head back against the wall and finished the last of her beer. She would continue thinking about Remus tomorrow. For now, she just let the fuzz in her head take over._   
_*_

She realised she had been daydreaming for quite a while when she looked back over to Remus and saw he was well over half way through the book, and her jumper sleeve had a sizeable hole in it from being chewed on. She slammed her chair back onto its four legs and got to her feet, startling Remus as she did so, and started poking around the room they were in for something interesting to do.

" I'm bored " she sighed and screwed her nose up at the pile of dead flies in one corner of the shelf. Did this witch ever clean?

" wouldn't have noticed " Remus said, not looking up from his book. She looked over at him and saw him bite down on a square of chocolate before wordlessly holding out one for her, his eyes still trained on his book.

" you're gonna turn into chocolate one day. The amount you eat " she said as she took it and chomped down on the whole piece. She moved to sit up on the table between their two chairs and craned her neck to see what he was reading about " interesting book? "

" not really. Funnily enough it's all about flesh eating slugs. Dark creatures flesh eating slugs " he smiled as he spoke, sarcasm seeping into his words.

" not that fond of dark creatures myself actually " he raised an eyebrow at her and she tried and failed to suppress her smile " though I do seem to have a habit of getting myself locked in store cupboards with them. Strange isn't it? " Remus closed his book and leant back in his chair, tucking his chocolate back into his pocket.

" oh you make a habit of this do you? Do tell, what other dark creatures have you been trapped in store cupboards with? " she had come to realise that getting Remus to be able to see how much his condition didn't bother her, that they could joke about it ever so slightly, was something he didn't seem to mind. She wondered if it was almost a relief to him, that he could not think about his condition in a negative light every now and again.

" well. Mainly werewolves actually. Did you know they're fond of chocolate? I didn't. But Merlin this one werewolf I know, eats it like it's in danger of going out of bloody fashion. Mental " he was smiling at her and she couldn't help but stare. She loved his smile, she saw it more and more just lately and it was one of her absolute favourite sights " he's got a thing for tea as well " she got up from the table and started poking around on the shelves again.

" what's a young and beautiful woman like you doing hiding in storage rooms with a scary werewolf " she felt her stomach flutter as he called her beautiful, she stayed facing away from him knowing that he'd probably be a blushing mess at letting the compliment slip out. She knew him too well.

" he's not scary " she said a little softer, picking up a dusty old quill and stroking the feathers " he's not scary at all. He's wonderful. Not too bad on the eye either, keeps me entertained "  
immediately after she'd said it she wondered if that had been a good example of her going around like a mad box nifflers like Sirius had suggested.

She turned back to him and his cheeks were flaming and she couldn't help but smile at him, folding her arms over her chest " though he does have an awful habit of getting extremely embarrassed anytime I say anything remotely nice to him " she teased and sat back down opposite him " I think he just needs to understand that not every witch and wizard are the same. And some of us really don't give a single fuck whether or not they're a werewolf. Or any dark creature for that matter. Though I will draw the line at flesh eating slugs. I don't care how handsome they are or how nice. Absolutely draw the line at flesh eating slugs. Not a fan of those slimy little gits " he was still smiling at he as she said it, his embarrassment clearly seeping away. He opened his mouth to say something only for there to be a quiet knock on the door and the witch popped her head in.

" I found this whilst tidying. I wondered if you'd want to use it, to stop you getting bored whilst you wait " she handed Remus a slightly battered looking wizard chess kit and he thanked her as she disappeared again.

" I'm shit at wizard chess " she said as Remus started to set it up for them on the table " more of an exploding snap person myself. Requires much less concentration " he chuckled. The set was so old that most of the pieces refused to move when they were told. So they had to play the muggle way and started the game by moving a piece.

" Sirius is good at exploding snap, though his set of cards back at school were so old they were more a fizzle than an explosion. James got him a new set one Christmas and he had gotten so used to his useless set that he got too close and they snapped in his face " he had a smile as he recalled the memory and she noticed that he seemed to like talking about Hogwarts. She remembered the first day they had met and how much joy had filled his face as he recalled all the stories of dumb things James and Sirius had gotten up too.

" me and Charlie learnt a spell that made them explode so loud it made your ears hurt and billows of smoke came out, got detention for that of course. Poor old Filchy thought we'd set the common room on fire " she wondered if she had been in the same school year as Remus and Sirius they'd have been friends.

They all got along swimmingly now, but she wondered if they would have then. Probably as they all seemed to share a liking for causing trouble " you know i still can't get over that story of him in the bloody fountain " she started laughing again at the memory of the story. She caught Remus smiling too.

" the girls definitely enjoyed it. He always had a gaggle of girls trailing around after him " she moved one of her chess pieces and watched as Remus carefully thought out his move, taking it a lot more seriously than she was.

" but from what I hear he had eyes for someone else entirely didn't he " she pretended to be interested in her next move after she said it. Not daring to look and see if her question had pushed them into unsavoury waters or not. He shuffled slightly in his chair and cleared his throat " you managed to tie down old ladykiller Black huh? " she pushed again.

" yes... took me by surprise too I'll tell you " she looked up at him then but he was focusing on the chess. But he'd answered her at least. And her curiosity started to get the better of her. _Box of niff-_

" how long where you together? " she asked and mildly regretted it. She didn't know why she was so curious really. She just always wanted to know everything and anything she could about people. Especially Remus it seemed " I mean if you're cool with talking about it "

" from 5th year until... well until that night that James and Lily... until that Halloween " she nodded and moved another piece, she was losing the game miserably. But she didn't care, he was opening up to her more and that was far more interesting " but I liked him from 3rd year. And I was certain I loved him by 4th "

He looked a little awkward as he spoke and he was avoiding looking at her. She felt like she should stop and change the topic. But part of her wondered that if she could get him talking about relationships and feelings... she might learn a thing or too as to why he wasn't making a move on her.

" when did you stop... loving him I mean. Like that " he shrugged and waited for her to take her turn before taking his, then answering her question.

" I'm not certain. I thought he was a traitor, I thought he'd been the reason Lily and James were dead. And he thought the same of me. Things went down hill, there was no trust anymore. You can't build a relationship when trust isn't there.... but... in the back of my mind I thought there was no way he could have done that to prongs..... I don't know. After he escaped he had come to stay with me for a while and we talked. And we tried ... just to see if there was still something but. It's not like that anymore. We both changed a great deal in 12 years. I still love him but. But not like that... like a brother. He feels the same "

She wondered if Sirius hadn't had gone after Peter that night, if he had stayed put, would he and Remus still be together? She wondered if she still would be falling for him if he was with Sirius. That would have made things much more complicated than they already were. It was already complicated enough, falling for not only your cousins ex. But a colleague too.

" not surprised you liked him " she said trying to lighten the slightly sad mood he'd created " I've seen some pictures of him at school. He was handsome. Looked cocky and arrogant as fuck but still, handsome. Like now really. Guess he hasn't changed much " Remus didn't say anything but nodded and moved a piece and they were quiet for a few more turns, she was still losing which wasn't surprising to her " it's nice having him around isn't. Sirius I mean " she mused and moved one of her pieces, but still not really paying attention to what she was doing at all. She'd grown bored of the game only a few turns in.

" yes. Though I think he's struggling more than he's letting on. Being cramped up in that house all day. Buckbeak can't be the best of company when everyone's out on missions " he played his move and took yet another of her pieces from the board.

" but anything is better than Azkaban I guess. Even if it does mean staying in a house full of bad memories. At least he doesn't have dementors in his face every day.....He looks good doesn't he, for saying he was locked up in that place for all those years. With the dementors. You should see some of the states of the people that go in there. But he's still that cocky and arrogant handsome little git. Isn't he? " Remus seemed to go a little tense as she said it and moved his piece a little more roughly than necessary, knocking down another piece as he did. It was odd watching his mood change so suddenly.

" so that's who you've fallen for then? It's just as I said, He always did get all the women. I won't lie I had my suspicions about you two. You're very close " his voice was bitter as he spoke and she looked up at him, anger twisting into her own face at his pure lack of common sense. Was he really that stupid to think she was in love with _Sirius?_ Her _cousin?_ He was unbelievably stupid for someone so smart.

" You'd know perfectly well who I've fallen for, if you weren't too busy feeling sorry for yourself to notice " she pushed herself away from the table, sending the chess pieces toppling over. He could do nothing but look at her with a mix of what seemed to be joy and confusion.

" Nymphadora I- " he didn't get to answer her though as the bell on the front door of the shop tinkled, signalling that the witch had let someone in. Tonks grabbed her wand from her boot and hurried over to the door and cracked It open slightly. Her heart dropped to the pit of her stomach as she saw who had arrived. The witch had been correct. This was a death eater alright

" _M_ _erlins balls_ " she whispered. Remus clearly had been correct earlier about smelling werewolves.

Fenrir Greyback was stood in the store and she turned to Remus who had gone white as a sheet as he looked out into the store from behind her. Right there only a few feet away from her was the man responsible for ruining Remus Lupins life. For ruining so many others too. The most vile creature that Tonks had ever come to hear about, a man driven purely by bloodlust who had a sick likening of attacking children. She felt sick with anger, her stomach twisting just by looking at him. Remus could obviously sense it and grabbed onto her wrist as she went to move

" don't be hasty here. Calm down " his words soothed her a bit but not a great deal " Nymphadora " he whispered, a warning tone in his voice. But as he drew closer to their hiding spot, to get whatever it was he collecting, she couldn't hold back any longer.

She shot out from behind the door and sent stunner after stunner at Greybacks head and chest, letting all the anger she had for what he had done to Remus go into her wand. She had had the element of surprise and her first couple of spells had knocked him to the floor. But Greyback was a skilled duellist. He was back on his feet in an instant, sending a tirade of spells and curses at her.

She dived behind the shelves, various objects smashing and breaking as she did. She spotted Remus crouched behind the counter with the witch who seemed to have taken a hit from a knockback jinx. She huffed and leant around the shelves, her wand cracking and popping as spells shot out at Greyback.

She had been reckless not planning her attack with Remus first, but the adrenaline of a duel pushed back that worry for now. Her wand felt as if it was buzzing in her hand as she leant around the shelving unit, sending a stunning spell at Greyback as he did the same. She cursed as it missed him.

She dived back again as a curse whizzed past her face and she heard a yell as Remus had finally joined the fight. He too dived behind a stand of shelves just over from her and she looked over at him as some sort of question of ' _what the fuck do we do now?_ ' but a spell went smashing into the shelves Tonks was hid behind shattering them and she ducked down, covering her head as wood and glass sprinkled over her.

" Nymphadora! " she got back to her feet, showing Remus that she was fine. She squinted in the dust that was floating in the air for somewhere new to shield herself. But she spotted Greyback aiming for Remus who had come out from behind his own hiding spot, clearly wanting to double check she actually was okay.

She clambered to her feet and sprinted at him as she spotted the curse flying towards him from Greybacks wand. His attention too focussed on her to notice it. She knocked him to the ground, the curse barely missing them both. She heard Greyback laugh and turned her head to see him making a run for the door.

" are you okay? " she asked in a rush running a hand quickly over his face and chest as she pushed herself up. She didn't wait for answer after seeing no visible injury and she jumped to her feet. Greyback had only just left she could definitely catch up to him. So she ran after him before Remus could do anything to stop her.

" Nymphadora no!" She was barely out the door when yet another spell smashed into the doorframe just above her head. Clearly he'd been waiting for her to come out.

She ducked and charged down the dark alley after him as he ran again, flicking her wand wildly in his direction. She was so determined to get him, she wanted nothing more than to be the person to arrest him.

She had no idea where Remus was, a quick turn of her head said that he wasn't behind her and she cursed him under her breath as she kept running.

Merlin she wanted to catch him, for Remus' sake if anything. Locking up the man that had ruined his life, maybe that would make him less miserable all the time. She slowed down slightly as she saw Greyback had stopped running. They had reached a dead end and he turned to look at her, the most unsettling grin she had ever seen was plastered across his face. _Somethings not right._ why had he stopped. Why had he lead her here.

" what's wrong little girl? You look scared" she gripped on tight to her wand and pointed it at him

" I'm not scared of you " she heard shuffling and two more death eaters appeared from the shadows, their dark marks proudly on show on their arms. It didn't take much to guess that they were wolves too. Remus had _definitely_ been right about smelling wolves earlier. Had they smelt him too? Had they known they were there all that time?

" nothing to be scared of now is there " she took a better look at Greyback as he stood in front of her. He looked more wolf than Remus. Remus, other than his scars, could easily lie about his condition. But Greyback? Never. He accepted his condition, revelled in it, it had become one with him. His features, his nails that were like claws. He was a monster. Truly a monster. 

They took a step closer to her and she stood her ground. One key point she had learnt in training was knowing when the right time to pull back was. When you were well and truly outnumbered. And this was definitely one of those times. _Where the fuck was Remus_

" now what's a little thing like you doing down knockturn alley at this time of night. Hmm? " one of the other men spoke and she tried to stand her ground still as they stepped closer to her moving her wand between the three of them " what's wrong? Kneazle got your tongue? " they laughed and she was forced to take a step back as they advanced on her.

She knew she couldn't jinx any of them without having the other two come for her before she could even take a breath. she was fucked. Well and truly fucked. _Come on Remus._ She watched as they started to draw their wands and she knew this was the time to put that training into some use. Because yes she wanted to arrest Greyback. But she couldn't do it if she was dead. And three death eaters on her? That was too much even for her.

So she ran.

She flicked her wand down to the floor and plumes of smokes sprung out, temporarily blocking her from their sight and she sprinted back down the alley. she could hear their footsteps behind her as the smoke cleared but she was fast. She kept ducking and diving from spells, thankful that whoever Greybacks buddies were they had horrific aim.

She couldn't help but laugh when she saw Remus running towards her, he had a look of pure relief for a split second before pointing his wand at the men chasing her.

She spun on her heel and spells and curses were flying all over the place, brick from the wall shattered and showered over them. She knew they were outnumbered and Remus seemed to have been injured back in the shop, blood trickling down from a cut in his hairline.

_You'll be no use dead_

She dived for Remus them, grabbing his arm and they spun out of the alley as she apparated, sending them spinning and twisting though time and space.

They landed in a side street a few houses down from number 12 with a crack, her head spinning slightly from the sudden apparation. Tonks leant her head back against the wall and laughed to herself, clutching her chest as she tried to get her breath back with Remus across from her. It was raining but she was too high on her adrenaline to care. They were both alive. And that was all that mattered.

" fuck I wanted to get him.... what happened to you? " she asked , still laughing a little and panting as she tried to control her breathing

" someone else turned up in the shop. I knocked them out but it took me some time. I was trying to protect the witch " The alley was so narrow that when she moved her head back down again her face was barely a few inches away from his. He was looking right at her with an emotion that she couldn't quite pinpoint, but it sent her heart racing again " you could have died back there nymphadora, don't ever do that to me again " he said quietly, as if someone might hear them. Which was possible after all she guessed.

" and if I do? " she teased, her breathing starting to return to normal again. She reached up and dabbed her sleeve on the cut on his head. He flinched away.

" I'm serious. You could have died Nymphadora " he crowded closer to her as he said it and she shivered slightly as her back pressed back against the wet bricks.

" yeah. But I didn't " she could feel his quick breaths against her face he was so close. She could smell the same chocolate and peppermint aroma that just always seemed to follow him around, it tickled her nose and she wanted to drown in it.

She swallowed thickly and reached a hand up to the cut on his head again, pushing his hair to get a better look. It wasn't so bad, probably just some falling debris had caught him

" episky " she said softly and it stitched itself back together in an instant. They seemed to be getting into a habit of healing each other.

The rain was getting heavier, raindrops catching on his eyelashes, running along his cheeks. His hand came up to her face, swiping his thumb softly under her eye where she guessed her eyeliner must be collecting in the rain. His eyes were locked onto hers and she got that funny feeling in her stomach again.

And then they were kissing.

She didn't know who moved in on who. She didn't even care because they were _kissing._ The thing that she had practically dreamed of since the first time they had met was finally happening. And it was so much better than she had imagined. It was addicting, the feel of his lips pressing against hers, and she never wanted it to end.

He had her pressed against the wall and the rain running down on them was starting to seep through her jacket but she didn't even care because her body felt like it was on fire. His hands on her hip felt like it were searing right through her clothes and she couldn't help but move her hands to hold his face, pulling him in even closer. Her thumb brushed over the raised skin of his scars and she felt him shiver against her, but he didn't stop kissing her for even a second.

He kept their pace slow and she didn't mind, she savoured every single second of it. Because who knew when it might happen again. Or if it even would. She hoped it would. It felt like it lasted for hours when in reality it was probably a few minutes at most.

They pulled apart practically gasping for breath and she had to laugh to herself again out of pure joy of what had just happened. She leant her head back against the wall again, her hands slipping down to drape over his shoulders instead of hold his face. she closed her eyes and let the rain cool down her overheated cheeks.

" took you fucking long enough didn't it "


	5. Number 4 Privet Drive

She didn't see Remus for a good few days or so after their kiss in the alley in the rain. She had taken extra hours at the ministry and their shifts with the order didn't seem to overlap much. Though that wasn't to say he hadn't left her mind. That night had been replying in her head every second of the damn day and as soon as she closed her eyes at night it was playing on her eyelids like a movie. It had been so much better than she had even imagined, she had kissed a good amount of people before. But none had made her feel the way that he had. None had even come close.

It had almost been the final thing to finally push her over the edge of the cliff she'd been teetering on since meeting him. Weeks and weeks of fancying the pants off of him, growing stronger with every conversation they had. Then that final push over the edge as the kiss almost certainly confirmed it wasn't a one sided thing, like she'd been starting to think it might be.

She had learnt in the past that just because you thought you liked someone, it didn't automatically make them a wonderful kisser if you ever got around to it. In fact it could mean quite the opposite. But _M_ _erlins pants_ she could have snogged the life out of the man. She wondered if he was thinking about it too. If he had felt the same stirring in his chest, the tingling in his fingertips and his toes. Or was he, yes, thinking about the kiss but... that she had been absolutely plain awful at snogging? No. She was good. She was quite certain on that. But was he regretting it. Wishing he'd never let her kiss him?

But then again, she was almost certain he had kissed her first. And he definitely had made no attempts at pushing her away, he'd pulled her closer. Gripped onto her like he was scared she was going to vanish into thin air any second. That wasn't what someone who didn't want to kiss did was it? Or was it a heat of the moment thing? A ' fuck we almost just died let me kiss you so I know I'm certain I really am alive ' type thing?

Maybe she was over thinking the whole situation entirely. People randomly kissed all the time. Didn't mean it had to _mean_ something. But did this kiss in particular mean something? It was driving her bonkers trying to figure it all out. She guessed It hadn't helped that she hadn't seen him for a few days either, they hadn't had time to truly discuss it. But her double life had become busy again and between long shifts at the ministry and missions with the order, she'd barely had time to breathe. She'd dozed off twice at her desk at work just that day, but thankfully no one seemed to have noticed.

" Tonksie? Hello?! Tonks! " she blinked a few times as Sirius clapped his hands in front of her face " away with the fairies again " he said with a smirk and shook his head.

" sorry. I'm just tired, living a double life takes its toll you know " she was starting to wonder how long she could keep this double life thing up. It was starting to drain her beyond belief. And surely someone would find out sooner or later, she wondered what would happen to her if someone at the ministry discovered she'd been actively helping the order inside the ministry. And feeding them back information. Could you go to Azkaban for something like that? Of course you could.

No way would an auror survive inside Azkaban. She'd probably helped to put a good majority of those criminals in there, god she'd be so dead. Maybe she could go on the run like Sirius, hide up in Grimmauld place for the rest of her life with only kreacher and Buckbeak for company. On second thoughts...

" Tonks! " Sirius snapped her out of her plans as a ministry traitor runaway and a life on the run with another clap " wake up. Mad-eyes here, you're on the Harry mission tonight aren't you?" She nodded and rubbed at her tired eyes, trying to find herself some energy so she wouldn't look like a zombie in front of the young boy. She pushed the idea of living on the run to the back of mind with a yawn and a stretch.

" yeah, I'm excited. Always wanted to meet him, you bang on about him 24/7 feel like I already do know him if I'm honest with you " Sirius was trying not to show it but he was ecstatic that Harry was coming to stay. She knew how much Harry meant to him, how much he was desperate to be a good father figure for him. It made him feel good to know that he could finally make James proud by doing what a godfather should do, and protect and care for his godson when his parents no longer could.

He wanted nothing more than to give Harry a good life, a safe life. And Tonks wanted that for him too, it gave Sirius some purpose to act his age and not get caught up in how miserable he was trapped inside his ancestral home. She was also secretly hoping it would stop him turning to the bottle every time he got a little too miserable. She liked a drink as much as the next person did, but Sirius' consumption was getting a little concerning. Not that she'd mentioned it, he couldn't be told what to do.

" he's just a boy, don't go all box of nifflers on him and freak him out alright?" He said with a smile, before Tonks could reply a miserable as ever looking mad-eye came clunking into the living room then with his mechanical eye whizzing around in his head. It still freaked her out a bit, especially when it stared right at her.

" where's everyone else? " he used as a way of greeting, noticing that the only one from the list of volunteers to collect harry that was actually on time for once was Tonks. Though that had only been because she'd accidentally fell asleep in the arm chair. She didn't mention that though " Where's Remus? " he grumbled.

" frigged if I know. I'm not his keeper you know " Sirius raised his eyebrow at her slightly bristled tone that she hadn't quite intended to use. But the mention of his name brought back the thought that he quite possibly was regretting their kiss. And with that came the overthinking again. And with over thinking came annoyance.

" I'm right here Alastor, the others too " she turned her head to look at Remus as he appeared in the door way, Kingsley and a few others close behind him. She noticed he avoided her eyes and frowned. Even if he was regretting what they did, he wasn't seriously going to take the awkward route was he? she wasn't about to have that. The room started to bustle to life and she was up out of her seat and walked over to him with as much confidence as she could muster, even under her ever so slight annoyance.

" wotcher...... excited? " he seemed surprised that she was talking to him. But also... some relief on his face? She couldn't quite tell. She was getting better at reading him, but he was still difficult when he wanted to be. When he was alone with her, when he was relaxed, his expressions roamed freely across his face. He seemed to put up a block around others though and he became a blank canvas, difficult to interpret.

" a little. It'll be nice to see Harry again after such a long time.... Have the Weasleys arrived yet? "

" on their way now. They'll be here when we get back " she guessed it would be good having so many people in the house. It would give Sirius some company other than Buckbeak. She couldn't imagine being trapped inside number 12 all day, with only a criminal hippogriff, a screeching painting of your abusive mother and kreacher the worlds most miserable house elf for company. She'd go out of her damned mind. She definitely wouldn't choose Grimmauld place as her hideout if she was caught for spying, she'd have to have another think about her plans for her possible future as a ministry traitor on the run.

" Alastor said you were the one who managed to get his muggle family out of the house for the weekend? " she beamed a smile at him and nodded, proud of her cunning idea to shift the Dursley's away to give them a window to grab Harry.

" mhm. All-England Best Kept Suburban Lawn Competition. Muggles, they'll believe anything honestly. I'm a genius aint I? "

" yes yes you're bloody brilliant. If you're done having your cosy catch up we have a boy to collect " mad-eye said pulling everyone's attention " We'll be apparating there, but coming back by brooms to avoid setting off the trace. Understand? " there were some murmurs as a form of an answer " nobody discusses anything outside of this house. I want a clean operation, hopefully none of us get killed "

" careful there Mad-eye keeping talking like that and no one'll take you seriously " she deadpanned, a smile tugging at her lips. Pissing off mad-eye was one of her favourite things to do, because no matter what she did he could never be mad at her for long.

He ushered them all outside then, she grabbed her broom as she left. Mad-eye made them cross over from the front door to the little communal garden of Grimmauld place one at a time, standing by the gate and ushering them through, muttering something about one dying better than them being knocked off all at once. Once across they huddled together, mad-eye Doug another dozen checks to make sure no muggles were around to see them vanish into thin air.

" grab a pair, side along " Mad-eye said and held out his elbow for Dedalus to grab. Dora grabbed a hold of Remus' hand before he could grab a hold of anyone else. Which may have been a slight mistake as she got a little too distracted about how nice it felt to hold his hand, and as they apparated She landed a little further down the street than she'd planned. Not that she admitted that, blaming her inability to fully focus on how tired she was instead. He didn't seem to mind either.

" stick together Nymphadora " Mad-eye hissed at her as she walked up the driveway of number 4, pulling out her wand from her robes and dropping Remus' hand.

" we are together now aren't we? " she said with a smile and turned back to the door. She wordlessly cast alohamora and the lock clicked, the door gently swinging open to let them inside. It was pitch black inside the house and for a small moment she wondered if Harry was even home. Had the Dursley's by some miracle actually taken him along with them?

She propped her broom against the wall as she stepped into the house, craning her neck to get a good look at her surroundings. She absolutely loved muggles and muggle things, she found them fascinating, and was secretly itching to get a good look around.

" very clean aren't they? These muggles" she commented, swiping her finger across the polished wood of a picture frame and not getting a single spec of dust. Not a thing was out of place, a row of coats hung straight and neat on pegs on the wall, a line of shoes perfectly polished and clean beneath them. Picture frames hung so straight that she just couldn't resist pushing at one until it hung slightly off balance.

She was still looking at the row of shoes and pondering on what things she could shove in them before she left as everyone crowded in behind her, making her topple a vase off of the table in the hall " oh. Whoops "

" clean that up " Mad-eye muttered and started up the stairs. She barely acknowledged him though, her brain already in mischief mode. She'd heard about how awful the Dursley's were and she was ready to have a little fun. she first waved her wand over the broken vase, fixing it and floating it back to its original place on the table. Then with a quick glance upstairs to ensure there wasn't anyone watching her, she got to work. She walked over to the row of shoes and smirked as she shrunk every left shoe down a size and made every right shoe a size larger. She had come to learn in her years of pranks that the minor inconveniences were the things that annoyed people the most. So not hearing much commotion upstairs she decided to change things a little more. As some form of revenge for the Dursley's mistreatment of Harry, Sirius would love knowing that.

She wandered around the downstairs and set every clock forward by a half hour, peeled just the tips of all the bananas in the fruit bowl so they'd brown, put a jinx on every throw pillow on the sofa so that anytime someone tried to sit on it it would feel hard as stone, and made one leg on every chair at the dining table slightly shorter than the rest so that they wouldn't sit properly on the floor. She then charmed the cuckoo clock to sing dancing queen by ABBA at an ear splitting volume each hour too. Just for a little touch of Sirius.

When she was satisfied with her work she headed back into the hall. She heard talking upstairs and the curiosity got the better of her, she took two steps at time to reach the top quicker. At the top of the stairs the other volunteers of Harry's guard were all huddled together and she squeezed her way through, trying not to trip on anything or anyone in the dark as she did.

" can I just ask " she said as she popped up next to Remus " why we are all stood here in the dark " she pulled out her wand again and it flickered to life, illuminating the young boy stood in the doorway to his bedroom looking unbelievably confused at what was going on " wotcher, Harry! "

" Harry this is Nymphadora- "

" don't call me Nymphadora Remus "

" harry. This is _N_ _ymphadora_ Tonks. But unless you want to find a box of flesh eating slugs In your bed, just call her Tonks " she smiled and stuck her hand out for him to shake. He took it gingerly and she nodded at Remus.

" he's only joking. I'm not that mean don't worry " she then stepped closer to him and spoke very close to his ear " I will say though, I do know where to find some flesh eating slugs so if you ever want some leaving for your aunt and uncle. I'm your girl " she pulled away and saw a small smile playing on the young boys face and she winked at him.

They made their way downstairs then after Mad-eye complained at them all for standing crowded in the hall. Tonks couldn't help herself and started exploring the kitchen properly, also hoping that no one would notice her recent home improvements.

" can I ask. Why are they so bloody clean? These muggles? My dads Muggle born but he's a right slob " she said with a chuckle as she examined a teacup that had been painted with little horses and ducks on it, it shined in the light it was that clean. Ted Tonks really was messy and Andromeda was constantly telling him to clean up after himself like a child.

" er. Not sure " Harry said, breaking away from his conversation with moody for a brief moment. She was distracted from inspecting one of the cupboards when she heard moody squelching around with his eye and she wrinkled her nose " you know that's disgusting don't you mad-eye? " which earned a short chuckle from Remus. She liked Making him laugh. She added it onto her mental list below making him smile. He wandered over to her as she started pressing buttons on what she was certain was a toaster" my dad had one of these once. I accidentally blew it up in the summer just before my third year " Remus smiled and gently moved her hand away from it.

" yeah and you'll have that one in bits too if you're not careful " his hand lingered on hers a little longer than necessary and she squeezed his hand gently before letting go " Why do you like muggle things so much? " she shrugged and picked up the mug again which Remus almost immediately plucked from her hands and placed gently back in its place.

" I just find it fascinating how they work without magic. My dad is Muggle-Born. He's always annoying my mum bringing muggle things into the house. The only thing she tolerates is his cd collection and his little stereo. She acts like she's so stone cold hearted. But I've caught her and my dad dancing to his old cds so many times. She's a softie deep down. Deep deep down " she didn't talk about her parents too much, she didn't get to see them often. Especially now. It was too dangerous to visit them frequently. She reached for another teacup and it again was immediately taken from her hands.

" my mother was a muggle " he said as he placed the teacup back in its place "she liked music too, she used to dance with me when I was younger but I was never very good at it " Tonks tried to imagine a little Remus dancing around with his mother and her heart ached at the image. She wondered if that had been before or after he was attacked. She didn't ask.

" bet you're better than me. My brain doesn't always seem to correspond with my arms and legs, that's why I'm always bloody tripping. Inherited that from dad. Awful dancer. You'll have to teach me sometime " his face softened at her suggestion almost, but not quite, reaching that same relaxed look he got when they were alone. As if he was forgetting they weren't.

" you should probably go pack harry. I'm sure we'll have the signal to go any time now " Kingsley said as he looked out the window, pulling Tonks out of her uncharacteristically sappy mood and she cleared her throat and turned away from Remus

" oh I'll help! " she said brightly. A mission was no time to be getting emotional about missing her parents or wanting to be sappy and dance with Remus. Harry nodded at her suggestion and she followed him out into the hall and back up the stairs " it's a funny place this " she said as she wrinkled her nose at the framed pictures on the wall hung along the stairs.

The Dursley's weren't the most appealing of people to look at , she had to admit "it's almost a bit. Too clean you know? Too perfect? " as they entered Harry's room she smiled. It was much more of a mess than the rest of the house. She liked that. She had a sort of love for disorder, it made things much more interesting " oh this is better " she nodded, hopping over a pile of laundry on the floor.

Harry pulled his trunk out from under his bed and she was momentarily distracted by her reflection in his mirror. She frowned, tugging slightly on her hair. She was trying out a new colour and she wasn't sure if she liked it " do you think this colour suits me? Makes me a bit peaky looking don't you think? "

" Er- what? " Harry said over his shoulder as he rammed an armful of clothes into his trunk.

" it does. What about ... " she thought for a moment before she opted for a brighter shade of pink. More bubble gum than violet. The shade that Remus seemed to like best and she smiled with a nod, making it ever so slightly shorter too. She hated having her hair flapping in her face when she was flying.

" how did- how did you do that? " Harry said in complete awe, his arms hanging in mid air still full of clothes, she smiled at him

" im a metamorphmagus. I can change my appearance whenever I like, Got me through concealment and disguise in Auror training like a breeze " Harry looked at her with complete awe and admiration as she spoke. It made her feel quite good, she had heard Sirius talk about how Harry wanted to become an Auror and she almost hoped she could serve as some form of inspiration. No one took her seriously. But Harry seemed to be " almost failed my stealth training though. I'm dead clumsy, did you hear me break that vase downstairs when we arrived? " she said with a slightly embarrassed scratch of her head.

" is it difficult? Becoming an auror I mean " difficult didn't even cut it.

" oh absolutely. 3 years it takes. There's hardly anyone new getting taken on, they all fail their training see. It was a good 3 years since anyone new had passed training until me. And you have to get great n.e.w.t scores or they won't even consider you. So better get your nose in those books if it's what you want to do " she said with a smile, nodding towards his pile of textbooks.

He looked as though he was drinking in every word she said and she liked it. People so often underestimated her, seemingly forgetting that the simple fact that she was an auror made her unbelievably skilled at magic with the simple knowledge that she had actually gotten the damn job. So to have someone actually see her as what she was , a talented and extremely skilled witch , made her heart swell. Remus looked at her in a similar way, he didn't underestimate her. But to have it from a stranger was quite the ego boost.

She then noticed all the mess still on the floor and shook her head " we're meant to be packing! " Harry seemed to realise he had been distracted too and started shoving things in his trunk again " oh don't be silly we'll be here forever " she swung her wand and everything went flying into the case. It wasn't very neat. She hadn't quite mastered the particular spell yet. She may be insanely skilled in combat and could tell you the antidote to every know poison off the top of her head, but the homey type of spells that people like molly were so great at? Well, you didn't really need them for fighting death eaters so she hadn't quite got them spot on yet " not really my best packing , never really been good at those household-ey spells. My mums great at that them. Oh well " at least it was all in. She flicked her wand again to get the trunk into the air, all to Harry's pure amazement.

He looked like he'd never even seen magic before and she had to remember that he had been brought up by muggles. So most of it he probably hadn't seen before " come on then. Oh. Don't forget your owl! " Harry scrambled to grab Hedwigs cage before hurrying out of the room after her.

" right. Let's get into the garden. It's almost time " Remus said as they appeared in the kitchen again.

" I'll take her for you " Tonks said, taking the handle of Hedwigs cage " I'll look after her don't worry " she added at the concerned look on his face. She then gestured for him to walk and followed the rest of Harry's guard out into the garden. Remus handed her her broom and she smiled in thanks. She then strapped Harry's belongings onto her broom, charming them to weigh a little less too. She looked up to see a slightly blushing Remus turn his head away as she did. She had to admit she was flattered as always but there was still that small twinge of awkwardness between then. They definitely needed to have a proper talk tonight.

" right Harry. just follow Nymphadora , nobody break ranks. Stay in your positions we discussed. And Nymphadora, no pratting around. We need to get back as quick as possible got it? " she rolled her eyes at him but gave him a wink after to show she wasn't meaning anything by it. He simply grumbled something at her and clunked his way over to his own broom.

" I still don't understand where we're going " Harry said , looking a little bewildered " school doesn't start for almost a month yet "

" don't worry Harry, we'll explain everything when we get back to headquarters " Tonks piped in, swinging a leg over her broom.

" do you want the whole street to hear you Nymphadora? " moody hissed and she gritted her teeth as he replied, reaching her final straw at the amount times he had said her first name tonight.

" don't. Call me. Nymphadora " she heard Remus chuckling again and she shook her head as her hair flamed red with her annoyance and it returned back to its bright shade of pink.

" on my count. 1. 2. 3! " she shot off into the air, the bitterness of the cold biting at her skin almost immediately as she did " higher! Muggles on the streets! " she gritted her teeth in the cold and rose higher into the clouds. Muggles didn't pay attention anyway, she could probably fly right in front of them and they wouldn't notice her.

She could feel her fingertips going numb the longer they flew and she was certain they were going to drop off any second from frostbite. A glance back at the others saw that they looked just as pissed to be in the cold as she was. Mad-eye kept yelling instructions at her to go higher, to turn left, to speed up and when they were almost back to grimmauld place he shouted again.

" we should double back around! Just to be safe! " she almost fell off her broom at his ridiculous idea

" are you bloody mental?! " she yelled back " we're freezing to our brooms up here. Everything's fine! Poor Harry will be dead from fucking frostbite before death eaters if we stay up here any longer! " she didn't wait for his answer before leading the guard to drop down as they drew even closer to Grimmauld place

" fine! But if we all die it's on you! "

" that's fine by me! " they dropped down into the garden and she rubbed her hands together as she hopped off her broom, trying to get the blood flowing again. She stumbled slightly as she dismounted, her numb feet failing to realise they needed to work. Remus grabbed her arm to steady her, appearing by her side in an instant. He seemed to do that a lot. Be at her side to catch her before she even realised she was falling. She nodded her thanks and forced her cold and clumsy fingers to open the buckle keeping Harry's belongings attached to her broom.

She picked up Hedwigs cage and flicked her wand to have Harry's trunk floating at her side again. She watched as Remus held her broom for her without her even needing to ask, ever the gentleman. Harry watched in awe as the door to number 12 appeared as if out of nowhere, following mad eye into the house as if in a daze. He was stood in the hallway as she made it inside the building with Remus close behind her and she Placed down his belongings. She smiled as she walked past him, throwing him a wink only to then go tripping over the umbrella stand for the millionth time.

Remus grabbed onto her as she tripped to keep her steady and she had an instant flashback to that first time she'd met him, except this time she hadn't smashed him to the ground.

" careful " he said softly and held onto her until she was steady on her feet again before slipping past and down the stairs. There was already an argument kicking off down in the kitchen as they joined the rest of the order, Harry close behind them. She saw Sirius' face light up at the sight of harry in the doorway, only for molly to park herself in between them and dismiss him back upstairs with a promise of food later.

Tonks sat down at the table where mad-eye was arguing that Harry did not need to know anything about his prophecy just yet. And Sirius was arguing back that he did. Clearly the meeting wasn't getting off to a good start already. She watched as Remus half paid attention to the conversation and made himself a cup of tea before sitting down next to her.

" he deserves to know about it. He deserves to know why Voldemort and his pathetic followers are after him " she leant back in her chair as Sirius and Mad-eye continued to argue. Everyone else seemed to be doing the same, ignoring the pair as they waited for them to stop so they could actually start the meeting. After a few minutes Remus pushed his mug towards her slightly, she turned her head to look at him but he was paying seemingly close attention to Arthur's input on the argument. She tried- and failed - to hold back her smile and she took a sip of the tea before pushing it back. They shared it until it was empty and Tonks caught Sirius watching them as he now let Molly argue her point of the argument, with a slightly smug look on his face.

" he's not a child Molly! " his smug look didn't last long as he unsurprisingly disagreed with what Molly was saying.

" he's not an adult either! That prophecy is order business, whether it's about him or not he is not a full fledged member of the order he's not of age- "

" he's not your son Molly- "

" he's as good as "

"- you can't control everything he does "

After the shouting and arguing died down and there was an equally argumentative dinner in the kitchen. Molly and Sirius clashed again, never able to come to an agreement on what was best for Harry. Harry seemed completely overwhelmed by the entire thing but sat in a relative silence, his head whipping around between whoever was shouting next.

" this is getting ridiculous " Tonks sighed and took a big gulp of tea from the mug that Remus had refilled before pushing it back to him.

" he is not James Sirius! He is a boy! " Tonks internally groaned, shifting down in her chair slightly. She knew that would touch a nerve, of course it would. Mentioning James in even the slightest bad way around Sirius was like dangling a gold coin in front of niffler, they couldn't resist taking the bait.

" I know he's not! But he's my godson Molly, as I've said already tonight he's not your son! "

" and as _I've_ already said, he's as good as! " Sirius was up out of his chair now and Remus seemed to have had enough with their fighting for one night. He sighed and smacked his hands down into the table, effectively grabbing the entire tables attention. It was quite amazing to watch really, maybe it was his height that made him seem more commanding.

" all this fighting isn't getting you anywhere. Now is not the time for this, really? In front of the children? For Merlins sake _sit down_ Sirius " Sirius huffed like he wanted to say something but a stern stare from Remus was enough to stop him. He slumped back into his chair, folding his arms over his chest like a sulking child. Remus seemed to be the only person he would ever really listen to. The only one that could keep him under some kind of control.

Things seemed to settle down then with Remus being the voice of reason amongst them all but Tonks didn't like the atmosphere that had been created. Especially with the children around. So she took it upon herself to distract the kids and had them all laughing with her morphing into various animals. They particularly liked her morph of Snape and she felt some achievement at bringing some light to the dark and dismal atmosphere that had settled in the room. She mentally cursed the others for carrying on the debate with the children around, they didn't need to hear it. A war wasn't for children.

After dinner the members who were staying at number 12 that night all dismissed themselves to their rooms. Probably just happy for some form of escape from all the yelling which had started up again between Sirius and Moody in the drawing room. Tonks stayed in the kitchen for a while to help molly clean up before dismissing herself too. Tonks knew she should probably go back to her flat, she hadn't been back in weeks and it would most likely be in an even bigger mess than she'd left it in.

Her owl was very much like herself in the sense that she was unbelievably clumsy and was constantly crashing though her window and into her flat, knocking all kinds of things over. But she knew she needed to speak to Remus first. He had disappeared after dinner, So she sought him out. The library was where she guessed he would be, it was where he spent most of his time. As she walked down the hall she heard a clashing of two musics. The unmistakable sound of ABBA was blaring upstairs and she knew Sirius was trying to piss off molly again, some revenge for their argument at dinner. At least he wasn't drunk so he wasn't screaming along to it. Yet.

As she moved away from the stairs and closer to the library she heard more of the other music. It was softer. Older. Definitely muggle. She knocked softly on the library door before pushing it open and the quiet music hit her ears more clearly as she stepped inside. Remus smiled at her when he saw her, a cigarette balancing between his lips, and she took that as the okay for her to join him, closing the door behind her. There was a fire crackling in the fireplace and piles of books scattered around him, as well as the source of the music.

" look what I found " he nodded to the slightly battered looking record player, pulling an equally battered record from its sleeve and swapping it on. It crackled for a few moments before playing the song " your dad had his muggle stereo and cds. My mum had her muggle record player, it was just like this one. Though she took a little better care of it " Tonks was surprised to feel that the atmosphere that had been created in the room was oddly intimate. And it made her think of those times as a child when she had snuck downstairs to see her parents dancing together.

She'd always wanted something like they had. They were so in love it was almost sickening, but she wanted that. She wanted to be loved as much as ted loved andromeda, as much as andromeda loved ted. Her mother had given up everything to be with him, made every sacrifice she could possibly make. Some called her foolish, but Nymphadora thought it was one of the greatest portrayals of love she had ever witnessed. To fall in love with someone irregardless of their blood, of their status, to love them for who they were.

She picked up some of the records from the pile and shifted through them. The records must have belonged to Sirius because they were all muggle songs and albums. And Walburga would never have brought them herself. He wondered show Sirius had been able to even hide them from her reach.

" god the amount of ABBA here is nuts " Remus laughed and nodded, turning his head from her slightly to blow out a stream of smoke " Bowie. Queen.... amazing taste. More of a weird sisters fan myself though " Remus smiled and nodded towards her shirt which just so happened to be an old weird sisters tour shirt.

" i can see " he stubbed out his cigarette as he had smoked it to almost death. He promptly placed another between his lips, lighting it with a quick click of his fingers " I think he only liked these musicians at first because it annoyed the others when we had parties in the common room. The muggleborns liked it, but some of the others didn't at first. he became a little obsessed after a while. He likes queen the most, merlin you should have seen his dramatic rendition of bohemian rhapsody with James and peter. They'd perform it if I had a particularly bad moon to try and cheer me up " Tonks could already picture that in her mind. Sirius was an absolute spotlight stealer, and a drama queen. A dramatic rendition of bohemian rhapsody was definitely something he would do.  
She picked up another record, Turning it in her hands to read the tracks

" ' stupid Cupid ' " she said reading the name of the song.

" my mother had that record. It's from the 50s I believe. It was one of her favourites. I think I told Sirius about it once, maybe that's why he has it " she smiled and handed it to him.

" put it on... come on. I wanna hear it. You said you'd teach me to dance didn't you? " he chuckled and shook his head but started taking off the current record and replacing it with the other. He stubbed his cigarette out in the ashtray.

" actually I never did answer you " the song was upbeat and she smiled grabbing onto his hands, not prepared to take no for an answer.

" come onnnn " she pulled him away from the record player and into a more empty space and made a terrible attempt to dance " see. Now we're dancing " he laughed at her as she pulled at his arms making him dance too. And it was a nice change to see him act so carefree, so relaxed. So _himself._ She wondered if this was how he had been when he was younger, before the this war. Before the first war. Before all his trauma " you're definitely not better than me I was wrong " she laughed and jumped around as a form of dancing, swinging his arms with hers.

" I won't argue with that ... your dance moves are definitely something " she knew she was meant to be talking to him about the kiss, but seeing him like was so rare. That she didn't want to ruin the moment. She'd never seen him behave like that in front of anyone else before. The song came to a stop then and Remus pulled away for a moment to flip the record over, before walking back to her. The new song was much slower.

" now slow dancing, that's definitely not my thing " she said, catching her breath from all her jumping. Remus simply smiled softly and pulled her hands up over his shoulders.

" well lucky for you, slow dancing isn't really dancing at all. And it's very very easy " they were more swaying than anything but she didn't mind. Her hair must have shifted colour slightly in her relaxed state because Remus reached for a strand of it and twirled it around his finger in mild awe. He gave her that look a lot, always so amazed by her and the simplest things she did. 

" you were very entertaining at dinner. The children like your morphing "

" it's normally annoying when people constantly ask me to morph for them. It's like that's all they care about, just me being some form of entertainment and no one wants to see how I actually am.... but I don't mind for them. Keeps their heads away from the war for a while " she admitted in a softer voice.

" it's because you're different... people are always intrigued by people who are different. Because most people are unbelievably ordinary " she raised an eyebrow and tilted her head to the side slightly.

" what about you? are you unbelievably ordinary Remus?" He gave her a weak smile and avoided her eyes, shaking his head.

" no... how I wish I was " she was worried that she'd touched a nerve and made it awkward, but he sighed and then gave her that small smile again before speaking " and for the record. I'm quite happy with you just as you are. You'll never have to feel the need to morph around me. You're perfectly wonderful as you are, no matter what that may look like " she could have kissed him again there and then. But knew it wasn't the time.

" thank you. Really " it was an odd feeling really, someone so in awe of her no matter what she did to herself. Someone that liked her for _her._ What was on the inside, not the changeable outside. And as they swayed she thought on how he'd always complimented her no matter how she looked, and she had turned up in dozens of different morphs since meeting him. Yet every time he had a compliment for her.

They were quiet for a few moments and she realised it was starting to get late. She really had to talk to him about that kiss and stop avoiding it. He seemed quite relaxed now, happy even, and she decided that that made it a good time for them to finally talk about that night in the alley.

" Remus... I think that we need to talk about the other night. Don't you? " he closed his eyes briefly but nodded, as if expecting it but not being completely prepared for it. He loosened his grip on her waist slightly and she wanted to pull him straight back as he started to slip away from her.

" yes. I've been trying to find the right way to apologise to you since. I shouldn't have done it and I'm sorry, I was surprised you even wanted to talk to me afterwards really but- " she stopped moving and laughed slightly, cutting him off.

" Remus what the bloody hell are you going on about? Why would you need to say sorry? It was... wicked. Really " he looked at her with nothing but confusion on his face and she rolled her eyes but was still smiling at him " really Remus, for someone so smart you are unbelievably stupid sometimes. If I hadn't wanted to kiss you I wouldn't have. I wanted it. And.... and I think you did too. There's nothing to be sorry about " he seemed to think for a moment before sighing, as if deciding to finally just tell her the truth.

" I did " he said quietly. And she felt a sort of relief wash over her that she had been wrong in her panicking earlier, and he hadn't regretted it it seemed " I'd barely thought of anything else since I first met you. But I'd controlled myself so well... but that mission and thinking for a moment I could have lost you.... and then standing there in the rain you looked rather beautiful... I couldn't control it anymore" his voice had gotten quieter as he spoke, as if he was embarrassed and she gave him a warm smile and reached up to push his hair away from his forehead. Her fingers then trailed down to brush against his cheek and he briefly closed his eyes

" don't be embarrassed, I felt the same way. Merlin's pants I could have snogged you that first day I crashed into you. But not really the best way to greet people is it? Then again neither is crashing into them " she added with a laugh and he smiled at her. He looked at her like she was the most beautiful person on the planet and it sent a swarm of butterflies into her stomach every single time.

" and now... now that we did kiss, how do you feel? " she hummed and pulled a face as if she was thinking hard for a moment that made him smile again.

" I feel... I feel like I never wanna kiss anyone else ever again. But what about you? " the record came to an end then and Remus pulled away from her, flipping it over and back to stupid Cupid. He pulled her back into an embrace again and they danced. She laughed as he spun her around, but her chunky boots tripped her up and she stumbled into his chest. He held on tightly to her arms to keep her steady, helping her to stand straight again. Their noses bumped as she did and she giggled.

" seem to be making a habit of falling into you don't I? " she said quietly, unable to tear her eyes away from his. What was it about him? " could say I've quite literally fallen for you " he shook his head with a laugh at her terrible joke, and moved his hands up to cup her face. She couldn't help but notice how well her face fit, like his hands were made for nothing more than to fit with her "anyway, you never answered the question " she spoke softly, her lips brushing his as she did " how do you feel now. Because I've been worrying about it all day "

He was smiling, the same carefree look back on his face. She'd never seen him so relaxed, so calm, like all his worries had temporarily left him And it made her feel unbelievably happy that she was the one that made him feel like that. She had caused that stress relief tonight, even if it was only for tonight.

" like I want to kiss you again. And again. And again " it was quiet but there, the nerves creeping into his words as he spoke.

" then do it " she closed her eyes as he closed the barely there gap between them, leaning down to meet her lips. He tasted like cigarette smoke and chocolate and peppermint tea. It was an odd combination but addicting all the same. When they had kissed for the first time she had decided that that had been her best kiss. But this one knocked it out of the park. She felt like she was melting, her legs turning to jelly and was quite thankful that he was holding her up. She got the same stirring in her chest, her heart racing at a million miles an hour. Her hands twisted into his jacket, pulling him closer and they kissed until they were breathless, their lips swollen and numb.

" Nymphadora... " he breathed against her lips as he pulled back slightly and she nodded with a sigh, realising they had gotten a little too carried away. Well. She had anyway.

" right right. Box of nifflers, million miles per hour and all that " she whispered with a little laugh, remembering her conversation with Sirius. Remus looked at her like she was mad and she started laughing again and leant her forehead to his shoulder " just- it's a long story "

he held her close and started swaying with her again even though there was no music, humming softly instead, his chin resting on her head. She had never felt more safe in her entire life, standing there in his arms and part of her thought about how scary it was that not even a year into knowing Remus she had become this attached to him. He rested his chin on her head and she heard him sigh softly, stopping his humming for a moment

" this is crazy. Don't you think? " she nodded and closed her eyes, listening to how fast his heart was beating in his chest.

" yes. But crazy can be good can't it? "

" when it comes to you, yes. You and crazy come hand in hand I think " maybe that was true. But it didn't matter, because Remus seemed to like her anyway. And that was all she had wanted. To be loved for exactly how she was, clumsiness, craziness and all. And it seemed like she had finally found that person. And she was determined to give back every ounce that she received.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song they dance to is stupid Cupid by Connie Francis! 
> 
> Messrmoonyy on tumblr if you wanna chat!


	6. A first date of sorts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the morning after, the WCU and a first date... of sorts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little filler-y fluff. We’re climbing a hill here and we’re almost at the top. 
> 
> Switches pov towards the end.

Last night had been an odd one. Not a bad kind of odd. But in the light of the next day with the entire house completely silent, Nymphadora came to realise it had been- in fact- very odd. Or maybe eye opening was a better term. Different? New? It was _strange_ to wake up with her head on Remus' chest, after having locked themselves in the library all night.

Maybe it wasn't just the situation that felt odd, maybe it was Remus himself. And the way he had behaved. She hadn't expected the reaction she had gotten from him, had half expected him to tell her he never wanted to kiss her again. Wanted to stay friends, just friends, always friends. Friends that had one spur of the moment kiss that could be forgotten and moved passed. But no, it had been quite the opposite. Maybe that was one of the reasons she liked Remus, he kept surprising her. But it was still _odd._

She'd quite gotten used to quiet, reserved Remus Lupin. Who only really relaxed a little when they were alone, but would withdraw into himself in an instant if he got too nervous or their flirting started pushing on that little bit further. She'd not seen him as relaxed and carefree as he had been last night. Ever. Of course it was a good thing, it meant he was comfortable with her. Comfortable enough to spend the majority of the evening snogging her senseless it seemed.

But it was still _odd._ Remus didn't seem like the commitment type, in a different way to how Sirius avoided committing. Sirius just didn't want to. Didn't want the restrictions. Where as Remus seemed scared. Simply feared latching onto one person in a way that would inevitably mean he would actually have to let his guard fully down. Maybe she was getting better at reading him than she thought.

Though she guessed that commitment-phobe was still present as she hadn't _actually_ received a complete confirmation of what was actually happening between them now. We're they dating? Could you be dating someone without having an actual date? she was feeling pretty good about things, whatever it was anyway. Because at least he liked her back, at least she wasn't in one of those awful one sided things.

Though she knew that he was going to be a little more reserved about the entire thing than she was, she was willing to learn. Willing to try new things. Willing to try and proceed with a relationship without having to go in all guns blazing and telling the whole world right away. She was willing to go at his pace, like Sirius had suggested, and maybe keep things just between them for now. No one else needed to know. No one needed to interfere. He was like a little bowtruckle, shy, withdrawn from people, and she knew he'd simply back off if anyone else happened to get involved at the present time. She almost laughed a bit at her comparison then, comparing a 6 foot tall man that towered a whole head over her to that of a tiny little bowtruckle.

He shifted slightly in his sleep, pulling her away from her musings of Remus the bowtruckle, but he didn't wake up. He simply wrapped his arm around her a little more.

She shuffled slightly so her face was closer to his. He looked a lot more peaceful when he slept. His face no longer showing the worry lines in his skin brought on from his constant frowning. She couldn't help herself as her fingers lightly traced over his features, brushing over his eyebrows and then his nose, along the raised lines of his scars. Then over his lips, his facial hair tickling at her fingers. She wanted to commit every single detail to memory. From the small slit in his eyebrow where one of his scars sliced through it, to the the little flecks of grey mixed in with the brown at his temples. She didn't think people started greying in their thirties, but she guessed his condition brought on enough stress to give you greys early. Her mum had always joked that young Tonks stressed her enough to turn her grey.

He shifted in his sleep again as her fingers brushed through the hair that had fallen yet again onto his forehead. It did that a lot, he needed a haircut.

He shuffled in his sleep again and mumbled some nonsense to himself before opening his eyes, squinting in the early morning light that was spilling into the library through the crack in the curtains. He looked around for a moment before, like Nymphadora had, realising where he was. His eyes widened for a brief moment, maybe in a moment of shock at realising he had let Tonks fall asleep on him. She sat up, not wanting to make him uncomfortable and gave him a small smile.

" wotcher, Remus "

" good morning Nymphadora " his hair was all messy from sleep and he flattened it down with his hands as he sat up " did you.. did you sleep well? "

" mhm, for someone so bony you're a surprisingly good pillow " she teased and poked his chest, rolling her neck that was aching in protest at falling asleep on a sofa as she did " do wish I'd made it to bed though. Not the comfiest sofa is it? I don't even remember falling asleep in here " he scratched his head awkwardly for a moment before shifting and patting the space beside him, gesturing for her to move closer.

" let me... I used to help Sirius after particularly brutal quidditch matches. I can make the ache go " she shifted over to him, morphing her hair a bit shorter so that it was out of the way. He seemed hesitant to touch her at first and it was a good few moments of nothing before he started massaging her sore neck and shoulders. She sighed contently as he pressed his thumbs into her skin, almost instantly removing the aches. She wondered if he was channelling magic or it was just something he was good at. Or maybe a bit of both.

Either way it was nice.

" are you feeling okay this morning? After last night I mean? " she asked as he pressed at a particularly achy spot in her neck. She was really hoping he wasn't regretting it. They'd spent so long getting so close, so long letting her feelings grow that she wasn't sure exactly how she'd feel if he told her it was simply a mistake.

" yes " his hands stopped for a moment before continuing " I'll admit it's a little overwhelming. I'm still trying to understand what I'm really feeling. Competing with my conscience " she nodded. She got that. She knew that his brain was a constant battle between him and the wolf that resided in there too.

" but what you're feeling... it's good? "

" yes. Yes of course " he said quickly and she knew he was being truthful " is that better? " he asked, shifting the topic into something new. All the aches in her shoulders had completely vanished as if hey had never been there at all.

" loads " she sighed and turned back around to face him " got a habit of falling asleep on sofas if I get drunk, remind me to come to you afterwards " he chuckled and nodded, reaching forward to tuck her hair behind her ear. His eyes flitted down to her lips for a brief second and he seemed to debate with himself about what he was about to say.

" Nymphadora.... can I kiss you? " she almost laughed at the fact he had asked her, they had spent the majority of last night snogging each other's faces off. Surely that was prompt enough that he didn't need to ask her. But he was so unbelievably cautious of her feelings all the time, always wary of doing something wrong. She was what she was certain her mum would call a proper gentleman. It was quite sweet. She did for a moment think about how he had just said he was coming to terms with what feelings he had, did kissing not include feelings for him?

She couldn't overthink things.

" only if you promise not to call me Nymphadora again " she replied with a grin, pushing his shoulder. He matched her smile immediately and she loved that she could draw one from him so easily when others seemed to struggle. She didn't even need to try really. But she too found herself smiling more around him. It was contagious. Maybe they were having the same effects on each other.

" what should I call you then? Tonks... it doesn't feel as personal " he asked, brushing the backs of his fingers softly against her cheek. He seemed relaxed now, not as embarrassed as he had been when he woke up. She was starting to see the side to Remus that he didn't seem to show around the others. She felt privileged almost, that he was letting down that guard. Letting it down for her.

He seemed to have a handful of personas that changed depending on who he was with. He was Lupin around the order. Calm, serious, composed and war effort based. Almost always having a frown planted on his face. A clear mind and the ability to control a situation if he needed to, keeping himself separate. Then there was moony, who he was around Sirius. More Relaxed, a smile gracing his lips a little more, more witty. More sarcastic. And then there was Remus. Who he was around her. Even more relaxed than he was around Sirius, a smile that reached his ears, even a laugh. Casual touches, reaching for her hand occasionally, fingers brushing when they shared a mug of tea, offering to apparate with her, seeking her out in the house.

Maybe that was why she was didn't have to think twice about telling him what to call her. Maybe he was scared, maybe he didn't want to push things into something so quickly after some form of confession. But just because he was overwhelmed didn't mean she was. She wasn't. She was clear minded. Certain. So he deserved the privilege of not calling her Tonks, or Nymphadora.

" some of my friends call me Nym. Or there's Dora..... only really let my family call me that. But you can, I don't mind "

" Dora.... okay. Dora " she liked the way it sounded when he said it. She had to admit she didn't really even mind when he called her Nymphadora, he was the only person she had found that she actually sort of liked hearing that name come from. Maybe it was the way he said it. Or his accent. She wasn't completely certain.

" so. gonna kiss me now or what? Since you asked so nicely " she teased. He chuckled at her before slipping his fingers towards the back of her neck and pulling her in. She gave a content sigh as she felt his lips moving against hers, still not over how truly amazing it felt to kiss him. She was certain she would never get tired of it ever.

They kissed until they heard a bang upstairs that signalled the house, and it's now many guests, was coming to life. She squinted at the clock on the wall as she pulled away and saw she had to be in work soon anyway.

" we should probably get moving, the Weasley clan'll be down soon. And I unfortunately have to go to work " he nodded and sat back so that she could get up. She stood up from the sofa and stretched out her aching limbs that were protesting their night on the sofa. As she stretched her arms out above her head she had the feeling of his eyes on her, something she had learnt to sense in years of auror training.

" I can feel you watching me " she said, her arms coming to rest on her head with a smile and turned back around to look at him. His cheeks were flushed red again " you blush so much " she commented, noticing how quickly he would withdraw himself if he got nervous or embarrassed. She walked over to open the curtains. London was its usual grey self, it was drizzling with rain and the sky was over cast. But she kinda liked it. She liked London. She liked being the splash of colour in the grey skyline.

Her mum had moved away from London as soon as she'd left the Black family with her dad. She liked the countryside and the open air and their small little village. She'd never been one for the hustle and bustle of London life, The grime and smog that seemed to plague the city constantly. Her mum was one for perfection and cleanliness and everything in a place, the grit of London didn't pair right with her. Even in the nicer part that the Blacks were based, Islington was a haven compared to places like Hackney and Barking.

Islington was without a doubt a playground of the wealthy, or had once been at least. The particular patch that housed Grimmauld place was losing that flare. It held that air of the the barely wealthy, those who were grasping at the wealth as it slipped through their fingers. Attempting to maintain the image of wealth and superiority, whilst really they were falling into the same poverty as the other half of the city.

She heard rustling behind her and Remus came to stand beside her at the window.

" rather fond of the rain " he said softly, the rain growing heavier outside " when I was younger, some of my first pieces of accidental magic involved rain " she turned to look up at him but he was looking out the window still " my mother and I had a fight about something stupid that mother and sons fight about... I accidentally made a rain cloud appear over her head. My dad wasn't home at the time and I of course had no idea how I'd done it. She got rained on for hours "

" was she angry? "

" she found it quite funny actually. I felt sorry for her and ended up sitting with her, we sat in the rain until he came home and made the cloud go away " she hopped up to sit in the windowsill and leant her head against the cool class, the rain picking up some speed outside.

" I've not heard you talk about your parents much " he shrugged and leant back against the windowsill too, shoving his hands into his pockets. She quite liked how he looked when he did that.

" ditto " she gave a small laugh and shrugged too " though I know a little about Andromeda from Sirius. He was always quite protective of her. I think he looked up to her actually, they seem quite alike "

" yeah they were pretty close before the whole you know... disowning and Azkaban thing " Remus chuckled and nodded " the two family disappointments were close. Who'd have guessed huh? Maybe that's why me and him are friends too " she turned to Remus then, an eyebrow raised " still can't believe you thought me and him were shagging. Bloody hell it creeps me out just thinking about it " she said with a shiver. Just the thought of her and Sirius ever being like _that...._ it was enough to make her want to throw up. Remus looked a little embarrassed again and rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly.

" you two are very close. And he's always had a way with women.... you even said yourself he's very handsome... I just assumed " she rolled her eyes. 

" he's also my cousin.... actually that's a bit of tradition with the Blacks I see your point now " he laughed again and moved to stand in front of her.

" I know you aren't like them... it was a silly thought. It just seemed more rational than the idea of you having some kind of feelings for me " she raised an eyebrow again and looped her arms around his neck, pulling him closer.

" well then you're not as smart as you seem are you. I'd rather stab my eyes with quills than do anything like that with Sirius. You're far more interesting " She brushed her finger lightly along his jaw and debated if now was a good time or not to get some confirmation on what was actually happening. Not that she was opposed to it. But she had Sirius' voice niggling in the back of her mind _charging around like a box of nifflers._ Was this a box of nifflers moment. Had this entire situation been a box of nifflers moment. And besides he seemed relaxed enough.

" Remus. Can I just ask you something "

" of course " she avoided his eye, worried she was about to ruin their moment and make things awkward. But she guessed it had to be said. She didn't want to be walking on eggshells around him, unsure of what she could and couldn't say.

" what happens... now I mean. With us. I mean if all you wanted was a bit of snogging that's cool. Well I mean it's not but it is if that's all you're after but just tell me because Merlins beard I fancy the pants off of you and if this _is_ just snogging then it'd be ni- " she started to ramble as she got nervous but was cut off quite effectively with a kiss. She gave a little gasp of shock but let him quiet her rambling, kissing him back just as eagerly " right. Got it. Shut up Tonks " she said softly as he pulled back and he gave her that quiet little chuckle again.

" Dora this is not, as you so charmingly put it, just _snogging._ This is..... this is testing the waters. Okay?... this is new for me. I need time to figure this out but, we're okay. Testing the waters "

" testing the waters... right. I can work with testing the waters.... that doesn't cut out the snogging though right? " he laughed at her then, a full laugh with his head tipped back and oh he was _beautiful. So so beautiful._

" it doesn't... if you don't want it to" she shrugged and sighed dramatically.

" well. I'm not interested in it much really. Bit overrated. Don't you think? " she couldn't keep a straight face though and they were both laughing again. And he was beautiful. And she couldn't help herself and kissed him again. Only quickly. Because she wasn't quite sure how much kissing testing the waters involved.

He pulled her back in almost immediately though and she took it as her confirmation that this amount at least was definitely okay. The noises from the Weasleys got louder as they kissed and she guessed that they were all downstairs now. Or at least making their way down. And she didn't want to have to face questions from them if they happened to find the two of them together.

" I think that's my cue to leave " she said with a sigh, the sound of Ron yelling at Fred and George for something ruining the moment, and she pulled away reluctantly " fudge'll have my neck if I'm late to work again anyway " she pressed a soft kiss to his cheek before standing up again and heading into the hall with Remus close behind her.

She headed for the coat stand and frowned as she couldn't find her jacket. She'd spotted Ginny eyeing it up last night and had said she could borrow if she wanted. She probably had. She groaned, she wasn't looking forward to going out in the rain without a jacket.

" here. You can borrow this if you want " Remus said softly as he watched her try and fail to find her jacket. He shrugged off his cardigan and held it out to her. Her heart warmed at the idea of wearing his clothes and she happily accepted it, pulling it on. It was still filled with his own body warmth and it smelt just like him. This was okay for testing the waters wasn't it?

" thank you. I'll make sure you get it back in one piece " she said and gestured to the sleeves and made a mental note not to try halt her habit of chewing on her jacket sleeves.

" oh good morning dears! Staying for breakfast Tonks? " Molly appeared on the stairs and Remus took a step away from her, his eyes darting between her and Molly as if praying Molly wouldn't spot she was wearing his cardigan. Thankfully she said nothing. Testing the waters definitely didn't include anyone else.

" no, gotta get to work. And gotta get changed first. I'll probably be back later though. Just can't keep me away from your cooking Mol, see you! " she left the house in a hurry, sensing Remus' discomfort and not wanting to make things any worse.  
 _Box of nifflers Tonks. Box of nifflers_

+++

Work had been rather dull for Tonks so far. No active call outs and she had a stack of reports that needed finishing. She had been working on her current one for over an hour and had only managed to write two sentences out. Focusing on a million other things instead, from the wonky poster of the weird sisters pinned to her cubicle wall or the picture of her with her parents. To the sound of someone across the offices tapping their quill against their ink pot in a tune that she couldn't quite put her finger on.

She looked over the other pictures on her wall, straightening one up of her and Charlie. She missed Charlie a lot. She hadn't seen him in months, but they wrote to each other often. She was planning to write to him soon, he always had good advice. He'd help her get her head straight about the whole ' testing the waters ' thing. Maybe that was what was making her so unfocused, trying to understand what testing the waters really meant. It didn't mean a relationship. But it didn't mean friends. It was like that awkward middle ground that she had never been on before.

She'd only ever had one serious relationship and that was Charlie, but that was during school so was that even allowed to be called serious? She wasn't sure. Flings and short lived things had all she'd really been used to and she had been quite alright with that too. But she knew she didn't want that with Remus. She wanted something real.

But Remus was difficult. He seemed terrified of the idea of things with her, was so hard to read. He was the complete opposite of her, she didn't always think before she spoke, or acted. She was loud and didn't always have full control over all her limbs. He was quiet and reserved, always seemed to be thinking about things and always knew what to say. But maybe that whole opposites attract things was right.

She looked up from her desk as the minister came into the auror offices suddenly, flanked by Kingsley who had a grave look on his face, and as always auror Dawlish. She couldn't bloody stand Dawlish. He was practically fudges lap dog just lately, following him around everywhere he went and constantly at his beck and call. It was quite pathetic. Fudge stood at the front of the room, announcing himself with a loud clearing of his throat.

" can I have your attention please! " he said and rapped his wand against the notice board at the front of the offices  
"good afternoon everyone! As you may have heard some new laws were passed last night and have come into full effect from this morning. These new laws, of course, affect you all as you are to be expected to fulfil them to your upmost ability's " new laws were being passed almost every week just lately, for the stupidest of things. It was getting ridiculous. It'd be illegal to blow your bloody nose sooner or later with the way things were going.

She watched as he hung up two rolls of parchment printed with the new laws on the notice board, then dismissed himself as quickly as he had arrived. He never stayed around long. She was out of her seat to look at them as soon as he left. Kingsley was still looking at them too, his face looking as stricken as it had when he'd entered the room.

" bout time they made the rules stricter with them creatures. Menace to bloody society " auror Fawley said, his arms folded over his chest. The new laws were regarding werewolves. Again. Now they were banned from getting jobs, not that they'd really ever had much hope with jobs before. But now they weren't allowed at all. Anyone caught employing a werewolf was sentenced to questioning and possible time in Azkaban. She had to force herself not to tear the parchment off the wall and rip it into shreds.

Part of her knew this was probably a direct response to the events of Remus being employed at Hogwarts, a butterfly effect. The laws had started popping up since then and had increased tenfold in the past year. After people had heard he had been employed there a few other lycanthropes had managed to get jobs here and there. Clearly the ministry had had enough of it.

She looked over at Kingsley who was already watching her. She knew he would have tried to stop the laws being passed but it would have been useless. Too many people inside the ministry thought they were evil creatures, thought they were dangerous. But not all of them were and she hated that they were all punished just because of a handful of bad ones. They were just trying to live their lives with a condition they didn't ask for.

" auror Tonks, I'd like a word in my office please " Kingsley said as the aurors started to return to their desks, talking among themselves about the new laws and she gave a short nod.

" In trouble again aye, Tonks? Good luck" auror Dezzle said with a laugh, elbowing her as he headed for his desk again. She rolled her eyes before following Kingsley through the rows of cubicles to his private office in the back of the room. He closed the door behind him and cast a silencing charm for good measure. She glanced over at the walls that were covered in pictures of Sirius and maps circled, arrows pointing to foreign countries that Kingsley was telling the minister Sirius had been spotted in.

She looked at his wanted poster, the ragged man screaming in the image looked nothing like the Sirius she knew.

" I tried my best to get the law revoked. But there were far too many on Fudges side " he sounded disappointed. Like he had failed and she knew that he was worrying about Remus. Sometimes in meetings she felt a little guilty when ministry issues were brought up. And she knew that Kingsley felt the same. She was on the orders side, with no question, but she couldn't help but sometimes feel like a traitor. Because she still went to work everyday, still aided the arrest of people who weren't always guilty.

" if you're worried about what Remus will say about this he- "

" I know " he cut her off and she nodded again, standing there a little awkwardly. She knew Remus would never blame Kingsley. It wasn't like it was his fault anyway " this makes things even more complicated for us, you understand? Of course the ministry is aware of his lycanthropy. But these laws are meant to drive them to the ground Nymphadora. So if any ministry members spot him out and about, he could be brought in for questioning. He has to be more careful now. We all do "

She wondered if Umbridge was behind the new laws. She had been behind almost all anti-werewolf laws to date, they had increased tenfold after Remus had gotten his job at Hogwarts. She was one of the biggest anti-werewolf supporters in the entire ministry. She'd even over heard her talking once about how if she had her way they'd all be rounded up and put down like dogs.

" there's already some jobs getting the go ahead for aurors to actively seek out werewolf's, the werewolf Capture Unit is practically moving in here. You'll see Remus before I do just make sure you warn him that he has to be careful from now on. I've already contacted Albus, Alastor too " part of her felt like Remus probably already knew, the laws were always posted in the prophet. And Sirius was obsessed with reading the paper everyday for a laugh. And he had a bit of a thing for the puzzle page.

" it's all bullshit isn't it. It's bloody bullshit " Kingsley nodded and sat down at his desk with a small sigh, pressing his fingers to his temples and rubbing small circles.

" it is. But after this war is over... when everything is over. The rules will be better, they'll be treated as equals. I'll make sure of it " she hoped she lived long enough to see that happen " but for now. Alastor and myself have been tracking some of the packs, the ones who are on side or almost on side. We're going to send out some warnings, tell them to head underground to lay low. We'll keep them safe " he pulled a map out of his desk and pointed at a few places.

" this pack in particular, Remus himself worked closely with them in the first war. They'll help to spread the word "

" anything I can do to help. Just let me know. Please I want to help Kingsley " he smiled at her and nodded, sitting back in his chair and putting the map away.

" I know you do.... but you better head back to your desk now. They'll be getting suspicious if you're in here too long " he broke the silencing charm and she headed back out to her cubicle without another word.

" what'd you do wrong this time then Tonks? " Fawley asked, rocking back on his chair to peer into her cubicle as she sat back down and aimed to finally finish her report. When she didn't answer straight away he tossed a ball of paper at her " oi. Tonks "

" you know. The usual. Fudge getting pissed because I handed in some reports late. No big deal " she tossed the paper back at him and after seeing he would get no gossip from her, he slumped back over his desk. as she sat at her own desk she couldn't focus on her report at all, even less so when a couple of wizards from the werewolf capture unit entered the offices claiming a desk. She watched them in their stupid purple robes and hats placing down boxes and boxes of files. She wondered if Remus had a file in there. He must. He was registered after all. She had to see that file.

" been thinking of transferring to the WCU " Fawley said, rocking back again to peer into Tonks unit. He was watching their new neighbours too, their stupid paw printed logo being hung above their desks.

" why? Why do you have such a grudge?" She asked as coolly as she could manage, trying to sound curious rather than annoyed.

" my sister was killed by one of them years ago " she guessed that made sense, maybe she would have felt the same if she had experienced that. But then again. They weren't _all_ bad " you know they're all under his command don't you? Have been since the first war apparently. He has loads of dark creatures " she watched as the WCU wizards started pinning up wanted posters to their cubicle. She saw one of Fenrir but that was simply a lost cause. The ministry had been after him for years. They've never even come close to him.

She eyed the file boxes again and really wanted to get her hands on Remus' file. He'd never done anything criminal as far as she knew, so they probably didn't even care about him. Maybe they wouldn't miss his file, wouldn't notice if she removed it. Took it for a little outing to Grimmauld. It would help the order too, help keep Remus on the low.

She waited until everyone left for lunch, making an excuse to Fawley that she'd join them in a few minutes. Saying she just had to finish off her report first. She gave it a few minutes just to be safe before hurrying over to the desks the werewolf Capture Unit had taken over. She rummaged through the boxes, constantly looking over her shoulder to make sure no one was watching her. She flicked through the files until she found the L's. _Linely. Lowers. Lupin._ She plucked out the file as soon as she saw it.

The ministry logo was printed on the front with ' Lupin, Remus ' printed underneath along with his identity number. She opened it up briefly and flicked through the contents. His identity photo made her raise an eyebrow. He looked handsome. There were also more photos and small reports but she didn't have time to read them. The others would be getting suspicious. She shoved it into her robes, putting everything back on the desks as it had been before. She took another look to make sure she wasn't being watched and then hurried out of the offices in search of the others.

+++

Grimmauld place was quieter than she had expected it to be when she walked inside. She could hear faint talking from upstairs and guessed the kids must be entertaining themselves. But she was here for Remus. Not the kids. She still had his file tucked in her robes, she'd have to be on red alert for the next few days to see if anyone noticed the file was gone. But it was better if it was gone, if he disappeared off the face of the earth for the ministry for a while.

The library door was open and he wasn't inside so she headed downstairs into the kitchen instead. and there he was. He had a large mug of tea next to him that she noticed was refilling itself with every sip he took. Sirius was sat across from him, The daily prophet was on the table in between them and Sirius was pointing his wand at it making the edges set alight. She watched for a moment as small tendrils of smoke curled up into the air as the moving pictures burned, Fudges face slowly vanishing in flames.

" ah! Tonkise, come to join our little pity party? " Sirius asked as he spotted her stood in doorway. Remus hadn't looked up at her, He was watching the smoke come off of the paper instead. Watching as it slowly burned, hovering above the table with his eyes following the smoke as it rose to the ceiling. 

" pity party? "

" haven't you heard? Moony is practically as outlawed as me now. Can we add him to the family disappointment club? We should make badges " Remus still hadn't said anything and had just kept sipping at his tea, watching the paper burn with that usual frown on his face. An insanely opposite look from how happy he had looked when she had woken up with him only a few hours ago.

" Yes I... I know. Fudge told the whole department this morning, we're all under new orders. New jobs for capturing and searching " she said in practically a whisper. She didn't want to be associated with that. Didn't want Remus to think she wanted that to be her job, she hadn't signed up to be an auror for that. She wanted to do good, protect people. Not attest innocent people.

" aurors are actively seeking werewolves now? Woah that'll be fun for you won't it? " she looked down at her scarlet robes, her little Auror badge sparkling. Her once pride and joy, the clothes that told the world she may not look like much but she was. She was powerful. She was an auror. She kept people safe. But it didn't feel that way anymore. At all. She quickly took them off, tossing them over one of the chairs and sat down. She still had Remus' cardigan on underneath. That felt better, made her feel as if she wasn't so much of a threat to Remus.

" I've been talking with Kingsley, he knows where a few packs are... so we can warn them and throw off the scent if the minister gets word of them... " Sirius was drinking from a bottle of beer and took a long swig from it before sliding one over to Tonks. She took a big gulp.

" you want to be careful going around packs Tonksie, you seem to have grown a habit of attracting werewolves " Remus looked up from his mug then, glaring at Sirius across the table

" piss off Sirius " Remus said and went back to staring at his mug. Tonks raised an eyebrow at his choice of language and felt a little awkward. There seemed to be some tension in the air and she wondered what they'd been talking about before she'd arrived. She felt wrong to ask.

" Remus. You'll be okay. Kingsley won't let anyone take you in for anything. And neither will I. Over my damned dead body " she reached over and squeezed his hand under the table in what she hoped was a reassuring way. He didn't squeeze back but he didn't move his hand either.

" I need a fag " he mumbled and used his free hand to fumble in his pocket, pulling out a slightly battered looking pack of cigarettes. He struggled to get one out with one hand but didn't make any attempt to free his hand that Tonks was still holding. He then placed one between his lips, lighting it with a simple close of his eyes. Sirius reached over and snatched one too, lighting his with a click of his fingers.

" I expect your missions will change slightly now " she said, turning back to Remus " I doubt you'll be on any of the department of mystery shifts. They were risky before but they'll be worse now. Just... y'know a heads up " he nodded and blew out a steady stream of cigarette smoke " I don't know if it helps but... " she said after a moment and rummaged inside her robes for his file. She hesitated a moment before tossing it onto the table in front of him " I took your file. the WCU has took up base in the auror offices. I saw my chance and took it, thought it's be safer for you if you just. Vanished from their files "

" oh nice one Tonksie! " Sirius reached over and snatched it up " look at you Mr 'very high risk'! " Sirius said and placed the file down, pointing at the big black text at the bottom stating just that. His eyes skimmed over the page more " it's not got much information in it. They don't seem to know much about you moons, they haven't even got your family listed" a large 'TRACKED' stamp had been placed at the corner of the page.

She was taken by his identity photo again, he really did look handsome. He didn't look much different than he did now. Except a little less dishevelled. She guessed it was from when he started work at Hogwarts. Sirius spotted her eyeing up the picture and wiggled his eyebrows at her but said nothing. Thankfully.

" 'all movements being monitored' " he read off the page " ha not very well clearly. It even says here they don't know your current whereabouts. Do they have a bunch of nifflers working at the ministry? " there were a few pictures taken clearly without his knowledge, none seemed particularly recent though. The ministry clearly didn't care too much about him. He had been off grid for so long that they clearly knew nothing at all. And didn't seem to care too much either. He wasn't a threat in there eyes. What would anyone want with a seemingly lonely and family-less wolf?

" it's a good thing that they know nothing, That they're working on outdated information. It works in your favour. It's safer for you Remus "

No one spoke then. They stayed in a relative silence, Remus chaining his way through his pack of cigarettes and Tonks simply watching him. Sirius didn't drink as much as she expected him too and she knew that that was already Harry's influence, he seemed to take out his problems on Remus' file instead. Setting it alight he same way he'd done to the prophet. Though he slipped Tonks the identity image before he did. She said nothing and slipped it into the pocket of her jeans. Harry finally made an appearance after an hour or so asking Sirius about something and they left together, leaving Remus and Tonks alone.

He looked miserable and she couldn't blame him. She wanted nothing more than to cheer him up and thought for a moment on what she could do. Maybe a change of scenery would help. Maybe some time away from Sirius too. But she wasn't sure if that was allowed with testing the waters. She ought to ask him really, but that was far too embarrassing. But maybe if they had a date... maybe that could give her the answers they needed. A date out in public was out of the question at the moment though, he was meant to be keeping a low profile after all.

" I was wondering. Well. It's just an idea" she said into the silence, startling him slightly. Speaking before she could change her mind " Wanna come to my flat? Tomorrow I mean. For dinner or. Tea or. Just. Talking or- "

" that would be lovely Tonks. I'd love to " he cut her off as she started to ramble and she smiled, a little in shock that he'd agreed to it, half expecting a rejection. Especially did to his mood.

" really? Wicked. Okay " she couldn't believe he'd actually said yes to her spur of the moment idea " Merlin, better sleep there tonight then. Place is a tip. Haven't cleaned in a while. And I'm not much of a cook y'know. But I'll try something. Might cheer you up a bit " he gave her a small smile and squeezed her hand softly " and it's Dora now, not Tonks. _Remember "_

" sorry. I'm sure whatever you do will be lovely _D_ _ora_ " he had a small smile playing on his lips again, his mood clearly lifting. And she realised they were alone again, further cementing her observations that he was his most relaxed around her and only her. She wasn't sure if that was a good thing or not yet. he leant forward as if to kiss her but there was footsteps on the stairs and they shot apart. Tonks almost falling off her chair in the process.

" hi Tonks! " Ginny greeted as she appeared in the kitchen doorway. She was wearing her jacket and pulled a pose as if to show it off " what do you think? "

" you look great! Really! " Ginny had started to latch herself onto Tonks a little, she got the feeling that she'd had enough of having all her brothers and was looking to Tonks as sort of an older sister. And Tonks liked it, because she'd been an only child and didn't know what it was like to have a sister either " I have some old stuff knocking about in my flat. I'll have to bring you a few things "

" really?! " her eyes lit up as Tonks spoke and she nodded. She spotted Remus watching her from the corner of her eye, a small smile gracing his face.

+++

Remus thought about Dora and their.. date? For the entire day. He couldn't get the image of waking up to her out of his head, kissing her as his first action of the day and how he wished he could do that every day. Just being able to sit and watch her as she got ready, morphing her hair to how she felt that day. Even down to when she had stretched her arms up above her head in an attempt to wake up and her shirt had risen ever so slightly. He knew he Shouldn't be thinking of her so constantly. They weren't even together. But she'd taken over his brain. His senses.

Though the prospect of a possible date was setting him on edge. He didn't date. He didn't know how to date really. And the entire walk to her flat was filled with nerves. Had he dressed too casual? Too over dressed? Should he have brought her something other than the sad little bouquet of flowers? His nerves were all over the place. Even more so knowing he was 'tracked' by the ministry. He was constantly looking over his shoulders, trying to be as normal looking as he could be. He was a paranoid person as it was, he didn't need the extra paranoia being on a watch list would add. He detoured twice on the way to her flat, just in case and ended up being a little later than they had planned. But it was better to be safe.

He walked into the small block of flats, it only had three floors so thankfully his constantly aching legs didn't have far to go. He wondered if the whole building were magic folk. Or if there were some muggles too. Tonks was on the top floor, her front door painted an electric shade of blue. Of course. He knocked once, his fist barely lifting from the wood before the door opened. She'd been waiting.

" thought you'd bailed on me! " she used as a greeting as she flung open her front door, a big beaming smile on her face. She was wearing her Hufflepuff quidditch jumper again, seemingly made bigger than it used to be as it was hanging off one shoulder slightly. Good he hadn't dressed too casual. She was casual. This was casual. He really had to relax a little. It was just a _date._ Dating was casual, had no seriousness attached at all.

" got a little lost... these are for you. If you'd like " he handed her the flowers and her smile grew even bigger, her eyes flashing bright and wide. They were her natural blue today.

" oh you shouldn't have! Let me grab a mug or something, I don't have any vases. Fucking Mabel slowly worked her way through smashing them all. Come in come in! " she gestured for him to follow her inside and he couldn't help but smile at her enthusiasm. But as he stepped inside a loud blaring noise assaulted his ears and he raised his hands to block the noise. It was so loud it was almost crippling, felt as if it was somehow coming from inside his own head. It was skull splitting, painful, awful.

" oh piss off! " she placed the flowers on her counter and ran over to the table, picking up a little brown box that seemed to be making the noise. She tossed it into the sink and pointed her wand at it "incendio! You stupid fucking thing " he watched with wide eyes as the box crackled and spat as it set alight and she looked at him with concern as the noise stopped. " I'm so sorry. werewolf detector. Whole department got one today. I totally forget it was still here I was meaning to toss it, Remus I'm sorry. There meant to target wolves specifically... you looked in pain are you okay? Fuck what a start this is "

They had detectors now? Things really were tightening around werewolves in the ministry weren't they. It made him feel awful. There were whole devices made to make people aware of the likes of him, like he was dangerous. But he guessed that he was really. But he didn't want to let that ruin today, didn't want to bring down her mood with his. He had noticed that around her he actively tried to lift his mood. He didn't want to make her as miserable as him. He tried to pretend it didn't bother him. His ears were ringing but he shook it off.

" I'm okay. It's okay. No harm done" the ringing in his ears wasn't letting up but he tried to remain casual, looking around her flat as Dora disposed of the charred detector and placed the flowers into a mug of water. Her flat was very very _N_ _ymphadora._ It was best described as organised mess. A dozen trinkets covered every surface, piles of papers and files stamped with the ministry logo, sneakoscopes and dark magic detectors dotted around, pictures tacked wonkily to every wall, her certification of a complete auror training course framed above the fireplace.

He shrugged off his jacket and she took it from him immediately, darting around the flat and pushing things back into place. She was nervous he could tell. Bubbling around with nervous energy.

" well. The erm food plan sort of went out the window " she said and scratched her head awkwardly and Remus smiled as he spotted the burnt food peeking out of the kitchen bin, a slight burnt smell hitting his nose.

" I'm not that hungry anyway it's okay " he tried to sound genuine so she wouldn't feel bad but she didn't look so convinced by him.

" I can do tea. Can't really mess up tea can you, and you like tea. So... Tea? " she was acting a little flustered and he wondered why. She wasn't exactly calm and collected any other time but she was never this nervous. Never this unsettled.

" you're nervous " he pointed out as she poured them some tea " why " she gestured for him to sit down on the sofa before she answered him, handing him a mug.

" I just wanted to make things nice to cheer you up and this is like. A date right? Right. And I wanted it to be nice. This is our first date and all you've got is some burnt pasta and a cup of tea. Bit shit " he laughed slightly and grabbed one of her hands, squeezing softly.

" Nymphadora.... relax would you. It's fine. This is fine " she ran her hands through her hair, which she had worn in a short deep blue mullet today. Frankly he was a bit thankful to see that she was as nervous as he had been on the way here, it made him feel a bit less stupid for being worried himself.

They drank their tea in silence and she stood up to take his empty mug the second he'd drained it, clearly still full of nervous energy. He decided to have a little look around. He wandered over to her bookshelf that didn't really hold many books, mostly just used for shelving. Her old school books were on there as well as the textbooks for trainee Aurors. ' _defence spells and how to use them', 'dark magic and how to identify it'_ and ' _the Aurors guide to arrest and defence'_ were just a few of the titles. There was also a pile of letters. He knew he shouldn't look but couldn't help himself and picked one up.

' _M_ _y dear Dora,_  
 _We have three new eggs now! That's 6 total, can you believe it?! Do you think they will be good enough as a pass for the grandchildren mum keeps hinting about? I'd take dragons over children any day me. That pact we made in 4th year, to marry each other if were still lonely by 40, if that happens we won't have to have kids will we? I say we just adopt a bunch of dragons. I wonder if mum would knit them all tiny jumpers?_  
 _Stay safe won't you!_  
 _All my love_ _, yours always_  
 _Charlie '_

" him and his fucking dragons. I think he'd marry one if it were legal " Dora said from over his shoulder making him jump, dropping the letter back onto the pile.

" sorry I didn't mean to pry- "

" oh shush. It's fine. Not like he's confessing his undying love to me. Not anymore anyway " she giggled and picked up the letter, giving it a quick once over before placing it back on the pile. His interest peaked at the mention of an ex. Charlie Weasley no less. She'd mentioned it very briefly before, but never gone into details.

" you and he used to..? "

" yup. Not for very long. Just whilst we were in school. But then he went off to Romania and we were so much better as mates. He's my best friend " he hated that he could actually picture her with Charlie. Someone her age, with a solid career, a big and loving family. He'd be so much better for her. He'd offer her so much more stability " I think he's a bit anti love you know? Loved his dragons. Hates people " She reached over him and pulled out a photo album from the book shelf and flicked through it for a moment and pointed to a photo " see there? That was when he got his acceptance letter to go to Romania. Look how happy! That's the face of a man that loves dragons more than people " he took the album from her and sat back on the sofa.

It was packed to the brim of pictures of her and her friends from school, lots of them with Charlie. There was also some from her training including one of a very proud looking Dora with Alastor, holding her passing certificate. She was beaming from ear to ear. Alastor looked like a proud dad. She got the impression he was very much like a father to her when she had king spates away from her parents. Even if she did tease him mercifully.

" did you always want to be an auror? " he asked, looking down at the moving picture. Her hair was in neon pink spikes and she was bouncing on the spot with excitement. The picture next to it showed her pulling a dramatic pose in her new auror robes, pointing at the little silver badge on her right side.

" kinda. Just wanted to prove a point at first, that I could do it you know? Then I realised I'm actually really bloody good at it " she walked over to join him on the sofa, her arms filled with boxes of cauldron cakes, sugared butterfly wings, black pepper imps and a dozen other types of sweet treats. She dumped them down onto the coffee table with a proud look " edible food! "

she grabbed a box of cauldron cakes and sat next to him on the sofa, crossing her legs and handing him one. They flicked through the album together, eating sweets until it made them both feel a little sick. It was nice just to be in her company away from the others and not on a mission. With no sarcastic comments from Sirius or knowing looks from Molly. He was doing very well at suppressing his usual intrusive, melancholy thoughts. Maybe it was her influence. She radiated happiness, maybe it was rubbing off on him.

" who's that? " Remus asked turning to another page which was filled with pictures of Tonks and a dark skinned girl with a huge pile of tightly coiled hair on her head that was dark blue at the tips. There were also a few things stuck to the pages, a pressed daisy chain, a piece of paper with a red lipstick print on. Tonks looked away from her box of fudge to see and blushed ever so slightly.

" ah. That would be miss Lyka Sullyman. My one true love " she sighed dramatically and pressed the back of her hand to her forehead with a laugh, shoving more fudge into her mouth "beautiful ain't she? Yeah. First person I ever had a crush on, we were really good friends... snogged a bit but her parents moved to France for work. She managed to get a transfer to Beauxbatons and well. That was that " she shrugged and ate some more fudge. He looked down at the girl, a picture of her taken on a muggle Polaroid. The girl, Lyka, was sat cross legged on the grass, the daisy chain in her hair and her eyes closed as she basked in the sun. She really was beautiful. He could see Tonks with her too ' _Scotland actually has sun?! 1987, taken by Tonks '_ was scrawled on the bottom.

" I didn't know you liked girls... not that it's an issue of course " he said realising how bad that had sounded. He really didn't care, he wasn't really in a position to care was he? She knew practically all there was to know about _his_ past experiences with the same sex.

" I like anyone and everyone me " she said with a snort of a laugh and slumped back into the sofa " if I think you're good looking then I do. But when I really like people, I like you for what's on the inside. I don't care what's in your trousers. Make sense? "

" absolutely " it was actually very fitting for her he figured. She had the ability to shift her appearance whenever and however she liked, had had people constantly making it out to be some party trick with how she looked. It almost made sense to like people, love people, for the inside and not the out. The more he learnt about her the more he realised how beautiful _she_ was on the inside. She had one of the kindest hearts he had ever come across, the more he got to know her he realised that she didn't seem to have a single bad bone inside her body.

She leant her head against his shoulder and pointed out more people in her photo album for a while then. And he listened to her every word, quite happy to sit and let her ramble on about anything and everything. She told him the story behind almost every picture, from the picture of her stood next to Dumbledore - whilst morphed as him - to the moving picture of Filch running down the corridor with a pig tail and ears that she had conjured. The hours seemed to fly by them and they had fallen into a comfortable quiet as it drew later. He was certain she was dropping off before her owl came crashing through the open window, taking a stack of papers down with it.

" oh bloody hell Mabel! " she groaned and jumped up from the sofa, helping the owl back to its feet " told you she's like me " she took a letter from its claws and scratched it on the head with a sigh before bending down and scooping up her papers " oh it's from mum. Probably checking I'm still alive. Haven't seen her in months now " Mabel hopped over to sit on her perch by the window and Tonks skimmed over the letter before tossing it onto the kitchen counter.

" everything okay? " he asked, sensing a little tension in the air

" yeah. Just wants to see me. I've told her why I can't as often anymore. It's not safe you know. Aurors are monitored a lot, and if Voldy gets people in the Ministry and sees I visit them often he could go after them. Less frequent visits aren't as suspicious " she sat back down next to him and sighed " I'm sorry Remus this is such a crap first date isn't it? Burnt food, a bloody detector blaring at you, reminiscing Hogwarts and now me rambling about my mum "

He reached over for her hand again and squeezed it. He realised he'd been doing that quite often just lately, reaching for her. Reaching to comfort her. Reaching for the comfort himself. Maybe it was the fact that years of being starved of touch, starving himself, had all come to a head now that she was there. Always so willing to offer him that security of touch if he needed it. But also giving him his space when he didn't.

" it's been fine Dora. Honestly I've been more than happy just to spend time with you. I'm sure we'll have plenty of time for more conventional dates " he'd said it before he realised and froze slightly. It was wrong for him to assume there would be more dates. Wasn't it?

" is that you asking me out on a date Remus Lupin? Or are my ears deceiving me? " she smirked, raising an eyebrow and folding her arms over her chest. 

" yes? " it came out as more of a question than an answer. She lounged back in the sofa and took a bite of another cauldron cake and shrugged.

" alright. Sounds good " she said in a carefree sort of way, but her face gave her away as always. She couldn't seem to suppress her smile even through her cake.

" sounds good? "

" mhm " her smile was infectious and he couldn't help but smile too, he got brave and leaned over her with an eyebrow raised " seal the deal with a kiss? " she asked, raising her brow too

" I'll have to have a think about that " she scoffed and yanked him closer by his jumper, taking him by surprise.

" oh. will you now? "

" absolutely not " he murmured and leant forward to catch her lips, completely unable to resist. She tasted of chocolate and fudge and he decided as he kissed her deeper that as far as first dates went. This one wasn't so bad after all.


	7. An unexpected turn of events

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> things get a little s p I c y towards the end. but nothing too graphic ( cause im gay as hell and ive never written hetero smut before I wont lie )
> 
> also i altered the timeline ever so slightly in that one of the azkaban escapees is already out in this chap. but i needed them to be. the others are not though. hope this makes sense!

Today's order meeting had been going on for hours. Yet again Molly and Sirius had come to loggerheads over Harry, resulting in Molly storming out, and Tonks had gotten angry after Snape had insulted her. Again. It was turning out to be quite the mess. Remus had made his way through half a pack of cigarettes and countless cups of tea, simply interjecting when and where he could get a word in edgeways. Alastor had had to take a trip to the ministry and Kingsley was on duty in the department of mysteries, so there was no real leader among the meeting until he'd arrive. If at all. He hoped he would. And soon.

" maybe the ministry are just as foolish, they are hiring children after all " Snape drawled in his usual droning tone, looking at Tonks as if she was something he'd stepped in. Remus knew that Snape didn't have a very high opinion of Nymphadora, often taking joy in belittling her to nothing more than a child trying to play grown up. He knew how to push her buttons and she too easily took his bait.

" listen here you fucking greasy little tosspot-"

" don't you dare talk to her like that " Sirius interjected at the same time as Tonks spoke. It was becoming a mess. None of the other order members seemed to be in the mood to intervene either, simply sitting and watching the arguments unfold. Molly had walked out a good half hour ago and still hadn't returned, neither had Arthur who had hurried after his wife.

The tension in the room was growing by the second, Sirius wasn't against punching Snape, he'd done it plenty of times before, so the way he was getting further and further to the edge of his seat as the argument went on made him a little nervous. He was always very quick to jump to Nymphadoras defence especially where Snape was concerned.

Emmeline and Hestia seemed completely unbothered by the fight going on, talking to each other on the far end of the table. Every time he tried to listen in his ears muffled and he guessed they were using a silencing charm. Dedalus was looking nervously between Snape and Sirius, his eyes darting backwards and forward like he was watching a tennis match, occasionally looking over at Dora as she shouted too.

After a few more moments of shouting Remus sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose, he was getting a headache. He stubbed his cigarette out in the nearly full ashtray, holding the last puff of smoke in his mouth for second in some attempt at de stressing, then stood up from his chair with a huff.

" for Godrics sake arguing like this isn't going to get us anywhere is it! " Remus shouted over them, slamming his hand down onto the table. He'd never really been one for dominating a crowd, but the order did tend to listen to him most of the time. But he was still surprised when he seemed to have managed to capture everyone's attention. Even Emmeline and Hestia turned to face him.

" well tell that greasy little prick to stop treating me like a child and then I'll stop shouting " Tonks hissed and jabbed her finger in Snapes direction, her hair flashing a vibrant shade of red. It had been a shade of lilac all day, hanging down to her waist, so the new angry shade was quite the contrast.

" yeah, piss off out of here snivellus! " Sirius added, throwing his hand into the air and pointing at the door. They were quite the duo when they were together, Tonks and Sirius. They almost reminded him of the friendship between Sirius and James. Their humours so alike, always ready to defend the other to the death, constantly pratting around with each other. And a formidable force against Severus Snape. Remus groaned and held his face in his hand for a moment as they started shouting again.

" who was it that inducted you miss Tonks? Alastor I assume? I had heard he was rather unstable these days, so it does make sense that he would be in the state of mind to be hiring children. Are you even of age? "

" I'm 23 you bastard! "

" say one more thing about her Snape and I'll punch you in that massive nose of yours, go on! I fucking dare you! " Sirius yelled, finally out of his seat, knocking the chair backwards as he did making Dedalus squeak and almost lose his hat.

" everyone quiet down! " Remus slammed his hand down again to command some silence in the room, which he surprisingly got. Snape rose from his seat then and straightened out his robes, his nose held high in the air as if the entire situation and everyone in the room were beneath him. He probably thought it was. 

" I have to go anyway Lupin. Some of us have more important things to do other than sit here and bicker like children. With children "

" you little-! "

" yeah piss off! " Remus sighed again as both Tonks and Sirius called after him as he swept out of the room. The other members who weren't involved in the shouting matches seemed just as exasperated as Remus did. He walked around to the head of the table and rapped his wand against the board that Alastor used to display plans.

" Sirius! Nymphadora! Quiet! Sirius. Sit down for Merlins sake! Everyone listen here, now! " to his surprise both of them shut up and turned to face him, albeit with scowls on their faces but still. They were quiet " right. Just because Alastor isn't here doesn't mean you can all behave like a bunch of crup pups, barking your opinions left right and centre. There's business to attend too and there are missions taking place tonight " he pointed his wand to the mission rota on the board, the professor in him coming out.

" I actually have to be going now " Emmeline said with a slight raise of her hand, a little cautious as if she was worried Remus might yell at her too " I'm taking over from Kingsley in the department of mysteries in half an hour " she seemed quite relieved to be escaping the drawing room and uttered quick goodbyes before leaving.

" Dedalus, Elphias. You have orders tonight too I believe? "

" yes! " said Dedalus, as excitable as ever, barely keeping his little purple hat on his head " on watch outside a residence in Cumbria! " he nodded and saw that it was printed on the rota.

" myself and Nymphadora are out tonight too. Watch on Fenrir Greyback " he said with a slight cough to clear his throat, hoping it would mask his nerves. He read out the other members missions for the next month ahead and called the meeting to a close. Unsure of what else to say when everyone seemed so het up. And he and Tonks would need to leave soon anyway.

The order went their separate ways quite quickly, all wanting to escape the tension in the air. Tonks and Sirius both seemed in foul moods still, muttering quietly to each other at the table and he thought best to leave them to it. He listened in as he tided everything away. Referring to Tonks as a child seemed to be one of the main things that really touched a nerve with her. She hated it. Unfortunately Snape had caught on to that fact and took great joy in prodding and prodding at her until she snapped.

Remus had to admit it made him slightly uncomfortable as of late too. He hated anyone criticising her, but more than anything he hated how Snape had seemed to have caught on that something was going on between himself and Dora. The entire order had suspected since almost day one of them meeting, he'd heard the whispers, seen the looks. They'd only gotten more frequent as they had grown closer and spent more time together. And Snape wasn't a stupid man, he had eyes. He could see it too. And he had noticed that his jabs at Doras age or her looks or even her height, seemed to be jabs at him too. Which really wasn't helping his constant battle on what was right and what was wrong when it came to her.

He tried not to think about that right now. There was a mission tonight. He needed to be relaxed. Clear head. Clear thoughts. The upcoming full moon was already making it hard to try and think clearly, his constant thinking of Dora wasn't helping matters.

He suddenly felt Doras hand on his shoulder and realised he hadn't even noticed Sirius leaving the room. He hoped he hadn't said a goodbye and Remus had just completely ignored him, to caught up in his own thoughts.

" m'sorry about the meeting " she said softly, her hand slipping down his arm and touching his wrist before slipping her fingers between his " he just really pisses me off. I'm not a fucking child " he turned around to face her and she ran a hand through her hair, it had returned back to the lilac shade again " I'm not " he reached out for her, his hand cupping her face.

" I know you're not " she leaned into his touch and closed her eyes for a moment, sighing softly " don't let him affect you so. You simply motivate him to do it more. just calm down.... You need a clear mind. You need to be focussed tonight " she pulled away and nodded, shaking her head and arms out. As if shaking out her nerves. She morphed her hair a darker shade of purple, still colourful but not bright enough to stand out too much.

" yeah. I'm great. I'm fine. Are you ready to go? Do you have the location? " she'd switched into auror Tonks in almost an instant, turning serious and focussed. He nodded and fastened his travelling robes at his neck, made sure he had his wand and held out his hand to her. She pulled on her own robes, covering up her Hufflepuff quidditch sweater, before taking it.

" I don't mean to undermine your ability's in any way. But stay close to me won't you? I'll be able to smell them and hear them before we see them. You'll have to trust me more tonight " it was a possibly dangerous mission. There was a small camp that had appeared in Devon. Kingsley had found them and it seemed quite certain that Greyback would be there. Or had been there. Remus of course had been the first to be suggested for the mission. And according to Kingsley Alastor had suggested Tonks.

" I trust you. And you know you can trust me? If things get too much. Being around him I mean. If you need to get out of there you tell me... alright?" she said and grabbed his hand, fastening her own robes at her neck with her free hand. He didn't answer her, but he knew that she knew. And he was thankful that he had her with him off all the people on that mission.

" let's go " he said. She pressed a soft kiss to his cheek and squeezed his hand before apparating. Devon in autumn wasn't the warmest and he felt Tonks shiver beside him as they landed in the woods. She was twirling her wand around in her fingers, almost bouncing with energy in a way she always was on missions. Her face hyper focussed, her eyes scanning their surroundings.

" bloody freezing " she whispered and looked around some more, pulling her robes higher around her neck " smell anything? " he took a moment and focussed on his nose and his ears. Something faint was there but nothing too strong yet. Which was good he guessed, they hadn't dropped right into the middle of a dangerous situation.

" not really. Come on. Stay close " he followed his nose and walked as silently as he could through the woods. He was surprised at how silent Dora was being too, only occasionally tripping up on a tree root. He wondered if this was how she was at work " have you been on any of the ministry's werewolf hunts? Do you know what you're looking for? " he asked. He didn't know why he'd asked. He told himself it was to see if she knew how to handle them.

" I know what I'm doing " was the only answer she gave. she clearly didn't want to talk about it and he wasn't about to pressure her. Honestly, he didn't want to talk about it either, he didn't know why he'd asked. Knowing that she was trained to kill people like him... to kill him. And being trained further, being issued detectors so that he couldn't even step inside her flat without her being warned. It was almost as gut wrenching as the feeling he had felt when he had returned to his class after that first full moon at hogwarts, returned to see his entire class had written essays essentially on how to kill him. How to kill his kind. That Harry, sweet young Harry who he had been around only seconds after he'd entered the world, was writing essays on how to put him down.

He was letting it cloud his thoughts and he knew now wasn't the time. They walked for a further 10 minutes before he pulled her down behind a bush as the camp came into sight. It was very small, there only seemed to be three shelters, a large fire burning in the middle. Dora whispered _muffiliato_ as not to be heard by them.

" is he here. Remus is he here? " Dora whispered after a second, turning to him as she did and shuffling closer.

" he's been here. But he's not here now " she nodded and turned back to the little camp, silently reaching out for his hand and giving it a gentle squeeze. Maybe she could feel his nerves, his unease. She was getting insanely good at that, knowing his feelings and thoughts before he even understood them properly himself.

They sat in total silence and watched. There were two people there, chatting about nothing important. And no sign of Greyback either. But he'd been there. He could smell him, remembered the scent from Knockturn alley. He had to be around somewhere, with a camp so small he was almost certain he'd be back too. In his time travelling with the packs in the first war he had learnt that Greyback only ever kept small camps like the one they were watching when they were new. Freshly turned and ready to be trained up a bit before joining the main pack.

They looked younger. Couldn't be any older than Harry. Greyback usually went for children, granted younger than the ones he was looking at currently. Maybe they had been turned as infants and had finally reached the age that Greyback thought was right for them to be manipulated in to joining his pack. Or maybe they were freshly turned. He prayed on the weak. The vulnerable. Orphans or homeless, no where to go and easily manipulated. It made him feel sick just thinking about it.

" I'm starving " one of the people in the camp said, a young girl with long blonde hair that hung almost as long as Doras currently did " can't we eat something yet? "

" we have to wait Isla. He said we couldn't leave until he was back " a boy said. He looked a lot like the girl and guessed they were brother and sister. By 'he' Remus assumed he must have meant Greyback. So there was his confirmation, he was there in those woods somewhere with them. It gave Remus goosebumps " or go ask him. But I know you're too much of a wimp. Go on go disrupt his meeting. Dare ya " the girl, Isla, shoved the boy and slumped down onto the floor by the fire with a sigh.

" piss off Ivan "

" oh go on. He's only down in the clearing. Go on. Go ask. Dare. You " Dora shuffled even closer to him then and nudged his arm.

" he's at a clearing. Wanna go check it out? Can't be far, sure we can find it. These two are bloody useless no point watching them, might as well go look for who we're here for " he nodded and she was creeping away through the cover of the foliage and trees without another word. She was quite impressive to watch, how someone so usually clumsy could become so stealthy. She never failed to impress him.

Neither of them knew where the clearing was but knew it couldn't be too far from the camp, Greyback wouldn't want to stray too far from his new children, so they slunk around in the shadows for a while. He came to realise as the minutes passed that he wasn't really paying much attention, he'd been watching her the entire time. She was getting far too distracting, maybe even more so now that they were... dating? They had been on a date he guessed. He'd wait for her to give them a title though, he didn't want to just presume.

He was still in some shock that she was even giving him the time of day. Had even suggested a date never mind having actually gone through with it, seemed hooked on kissing him whenever she got the chance to, or how her hand rarely left his, how they wordlessly would share their food or tea with each other. How she just seemed to like being around him. It was baffling.

He realised he'd been too distracted again when Dora came to a sudden halt and he almost stumbled into the back of her.

" Dora? " he whispered and moved closer to look over her shoulder " is this it?" He looked through a gap in the foliage and swallowed thickly at the sight. They'd found the clearing alright. Greyback was there, in all his beastly glory. And so was Bellatrix Lestrange.

" bollocks " She hissed, voicing her annoyance and fear before he could at seeing her aunt " the fuck is she doing here "

" we should go " he said lowly and placed a hand on her arm. They hadn't come to fight. They had come to watch. To watch Greyback, no one had said anything about Bellatrix. There had barely been any assignments to Bellatrix and any that there had been, Dora had been written off from doing. It was far too risky to put her on them, she was right up at the top of Bellatrix's kill list.

" no fucking way. I'm getting her if it kills me " he didn't say that it actually might, that facing Fenrir was bad enough. Never mind Bellatrix too " I'm sending for back up. I fucking want her Remus " she crouched further down and crept a few feet away, silently casting her patronus and sending it off. The news of back up helped his nerves a little. But only a little.

" Dora this isn't the mission " he whispered as she returned. They could happily leave the woods now, they had information. Yes it wasn't much but just Bellatrix being there was enough to show that Voldemort was in fact recruiting werewolves again. He just wanted to get her out of those damned woods, he needed to get her home safe. And alive. " Nymphadora if she sees you-"

" she's going to try and kill my parents if she gets the chance Remus. I'm not leaving. If it makes you feel better- " she closed her eyes for a moment and her face started to change, her hair too, morphing into a person he didn't recognise " now she won't know it's me " they stayed silent and watched, Doras hand restless on her wand so desperate to jump out and try and fight. Remus was just thankful she was smart enough to call for back up before trying anything.

Nothing much was really happening between Bellatrix and Greyback, discussing Voldemort and his request for Greyback to join him and not much else. The two from the camp had joined them too which didn't help. It was now four versus two if they were caught.

Remus was getting nervous. Isla and Ivan were just wondering around and getting worryingly close to where he and Dora were hidden, they were going to be found he was certain.

" Dora. We have to go " she ignored him and kept her wand tightly gripped in her hand.

" smell that? " Ivan said quietly as they drew even closer, Remus' heart hammering in his chest " Isla " he hissed " c'mere "

" you ready? " Dora said lowly and he turned to her quickly " on my count okay. 1. 2- "

" what- Dora _no "_ she didn't listen, she jumped up and had Ivan crumpling to the ground before Remus could even get to his feet, Isla following quickly behind. Her loyalty to protecting her parents well and truly taking over and driving her forward to try and catch Bella on her own.

She sent a tirade of spells in the direction of Greyback and Bellatrix. Thankfully the element of surprise gave her a couple of good hits before they realised what was happening. But they were firing back in an instant. This was bad. This was _bad._ Remus could hold his own in a duel, but against Voldemort's second in command? No chance.

He sent his own spells in the direction of both Greyback and Bellatrix but none really made a hit, they blocked almost all of them. They hadn't come prepared for this, they were only meant to be on watch. They had no strategy. It was reckless and he new mad-eye would have both their necks for this, if they lived anyway. Bellatrix was laughing as she duelled with Dora, almost looking like she was playing. He wondered if she'd behave differently if she knew exactly who it was she was fighting.

He fired spell after spell at Greyback but one clipped him and knocked him off his feet. He then watched as Dora ducked away from Bellatrix and aimed her wand at Greyback. He was too preoccupied with Remus to notice her and hit him with a perfectly cast sleep, Greyback shooting several feet into the air before slamming back to the ground. And then she was back blocking spells from Bellatrix as if it was nothing. She was brilliant. So so brilliant.

He ducked behind a tree, trying to catch his breath back for just a second and to try and figure out what his next move should be. He needed to go and help Dora and he was almost certain he was going to get her out of the woods, when two flashes of light beside him made him almost sigh in relief.

" what bloody happened!? " Hestia and Kingsley had appeared and were firing off their own spells towards Bellatrix mere seconds after arriving. Greyback had gotten back to his feet too it seemed and It was at that moment that he realised he had lost his eye on Dora. He came out from his spot behind the tree, blocking any spell that came his way as his eyes tried to cut through all the flashing lights around him to try and find her. She was going to get herself killed and he couldn't let that happen. He couldn't.

" get the fuck down! " something smacked into him and he grunted with pain as he was slammed into the ground, his ears ringing from the impact " what the fuck Remus?! " Doras changed face appeared over his and he came to realise that she had quite possibly just saved his life. Again. Would he ever be out of debt to this woman?

She got back on her feet and yanked him up too, her head whipping around, her wand held out. But Bellatrix and Greyback were no longer there. Only the two unconscious werewolves from the camp.

" where'd they go?! Don't tell me you _lost_ them?! " she yelled at Kingsley who was hurrying over to Ivan and Isla, binding them in case they woke up , whilst Hestia held her wand out and looked around in case anyone else turned up. Or Bellatrix and Greyback returned.

" they left? Why aren't they fighting " it was strange. Too strange. Bellatrix loved a good fight. He went over to where Kingsley was looking over to the two from the camp, Remus could hear their hearts still beating if he focussed. At least they weren't dead. They had gone down far too easily, clearly they weren't trained in combat yet. Maybe that's why they were in their little separate camp. Maybe they had only recently been turned, being trained up to join the rest of Greybacks army of poor innocent people who's life's he had taken control of.

" she seemed injured. She's been in Azkaban for years no doubt she is out of practice.... look, you too need to get out of here. Now. This isn't safe for either of you. I'll get these two to the ministry, get out of here " Kingsley demanded and Dora looked ready to protest, of course she wasn't going to just back down. She wanted to run off and find Bella and Fenrir, a one woman army on a mission " it was foolish to put you two on a mission with the two people who most want you dead. Who sanctioned this? Tonks you know aren't supposed to be on missions with Bellatrix"

" we didn't know Bellatrix would be here tonight " Remus said and reached out to hold Doras arm. He had it in his mind that she was going to run off and try and find Bellatrix. And he couldn't let her do that. It would be suicide. He knew how badly she wanted to be the one to bring her in, to be certain that she was locked up and unable to get to her parents. But she couldn't do it alone. And tonight was not the night.

" just get out of here. Hestia? A hand if you would " Dora looked ready to protest again, but Remus was thinking straighter than he knew she was. He walked over to her and wrapped his arms around her tightly.

" focus on me. Or you'll be splinched" she opened her mouth to say something but he apparated before she could protest. She'd be angry he knew it. But her angry was better than her dead.

" Remus! " she yelled as they landed somewhere along the coast in Wales, the first place that popped into his mind " I can't believe you! Why would you get us out of there? We could have got them! " he sighed and ran his hand through his hair. He'd been expecting her to be mad.

" we had to. Kingsley was right Dora. With Bella there is wasn't safe for you- "

" so every time Bellatrix appears I have to run away? " she looked ready to storm off but he held onto her arm. She shook it off.

" we should apparate somewhere else too before going back. Just to be safe " he said changing the topic " choose somewhere " she said nothing but held out her arm to him, he took it wordlessly. When they landed Remus looked around to see where it was she had taken them. They were in what looked like a children's playground but he wasn't certain on the exact location.

" I can't believe we fucking lost them!" she yelled and kicked at the metal slide before shouting in pain through gritted teeth, hopping around for a moment before just stomping her foot and dropping to the floor with her head in her hands. He had never seen her so angry before and it was odd to see the normally so happy auror be so overcome with anger that her hair was flashing brighter red by the second. He noticed her face had returned to normal too.

" Dora " he said softly and walked over to sit beside her " it's okay... there will be other times. You took out those two werewolves, they'll get help away from him now. And me... you saved my life. Again. As for Bella... and Greyback... I'm sorry but we had to get out of there. You're not on missions with Bellatrix for a reason. You injured her at least"

There was a lot more he wanted to say. A lot more. She had put herself in far too much danger for him tonight, diving in front of the spell in the way she had. Far too much. But that could wait until they were back at Grimmauld place. He knew she would have plenty to say in return and he wasn't particularly fond of the idea of getting an already pissed off Nymphadora Tonks any angrier. When she still didn't say anything he placed a hand on her shoulder and she sighed and lifted her head.

" I am not looking forward to writing my report on this " she was trying to change the subject and he let her. He needed her calm before they got back if he was to say what he really wanted to about tonight's mission " let's go. I'm tired " she stood up and held her hand out to help him up too.

" where are we may I ask? " hoping that a complete topic change would calm her down. She gave a small smile and looked around.

" my grandma Tonks used to bring me here sometimes when I was younger, she used to live just up there. Oh, come look at this " she gestured for him to follow her and she crouched down under the slides frame and pointed to a mark on the underside. On closer inspection he saw that ' Tonks ' was scratched into the surface, directly below it was what looked like a burn mark " first bit of accidental magic I did, that. If we ignore my hair and stuff "

Remus smiled imagining a small Tonks scratching her name into the slide and her small hands accidentally burning the metal without realising how she'd done it " I always seemed to burn things accidentally. Should of seen my mums face when I set a sofa cushion on fire once. Think she thought she'd birthed a pyromaniac " her anger from before seemed to have left her as she recalled her memories. Clearly his plan to change the subject to calm her down had worked " ever do anything like that? " she asked as she stood up and he shook his head.

" not quite. My first accidental magic was maybe the rain cloud I told you about... oh, and another, it was very close to a full moon and I got angry at my dad for something. Sent a book flying at his head, right off the shelf " she laughed and shook her head.

" wicked "

" I was quite good at controlling my magic at other times. But it's harder around the full moon. I Can't control my emotions as well. Mood swings and such" she nodded and he noticed her give a quick glance up at the sky where the moon was not far off being full. It was only a week until the full moon. He hoped she wouldn't make him explain anymore and thankfully she didn't.

" bit like girls with their periods right? All moody and that? " she snickered and he simply smiled, anything to keep her calm. He needed to talk to her back home and he really would prefer her calm " come on. Let's get back. No ones tried to murder us so I don't think they followed. Yeah, I think we're good " she held out her hand and he took it and braced for the uneasy feeling of apparating again.

They appeared on the top step of number 12 and he had to grab a hold of her waist to keep her steady as she wobbled slightly. He knew she had a habit of falling down the steps. He pretended not to see the way her cheeks tinged pink at his contact. It was quite late so he wasn't surprised to find the house deadly silent.

" mind if I sleep in your room again? Kreachers taken to putting stuff from the rubbish bins in the wardrobe. Little shit " most nights that she stayed at Grimmauld place now she'd end up sneaking into his bed, always with an excuse.

  
' boggart in my dresser '  
' way too cold in my room '  
' think I found a doxy in my sock draw '

  
None of them were believable because she was a horrific liar. Though tonight's excuse did seem quite realistic. Kreacher really didn't like her, almost as much as he hated him.

" of course... but actually I was wondering. If we could have a quick chat, before you went to bed " he asked, biting the bullet before he could lose his nerve. He had to talk to her. He couldn't let her have a repeat of tonight again. She looked at him as if she was almost expecting it. He wondered if she knew what he was going to say. But she simply nodded and shrugged off her robes.

" alright. Wanna get some tea? " she hung her robes on the coat stand and headed down to the kitchen, he removed his own robes and followed close behind her. She placed her wand down on the table and turned to him with a smile "ok go for it "

" I just need to tell you that what you did tonight, for me I mean, it was reckless. The entire thing was reckless but I'm not in a position to berate you for that. But in regards to me? I know your intentions were pure but risking your own life for mine was a terrible thing to do nymphadora " she bristled slightly at his use of her full name " I can't let you do that again. What you did back there.... nymphadora you have put yourself in far too many dangerous situations for me already and I- "

" you know most people would just say thank you. I did save your life " there was a slightly bitter tone to her voice that he hadn't heard before and he wondered if her anger from earlier really had gone. He wasn't in the mood for a shouting match so late at night. He'd had enough of her shouting during the meeting, clearly she was in a bad mood today.

" of course I am thankful. But your life is far more valuable than my own, I won't have you risking it to save me. Bellatrix could have killed you, you dived in front of that spell.. "

" yes? And you saved me by getting me away. We're even.... and you think I would have just let her kill you? You think I could live with myself if I simply stood by and let that spell hit you remus? " he knew she never would. And that was the problem. Because he wouldn't live with himself if he let her die for him.

" listen to what I'm trying to say Nymphadora "

" no! You listen to me! I'm tired of you acting like your life doesn't matter. Like- like- like you're not worthy of living when you _are._ You are Remus " he was taken aback slightly by her shouting. But also perplexed by the idea that she was getting so upset over the idea of him dying. She cared so much for him that she would risk her life for him. And he knew that he would with out a doubt do the same thing for her, he would do it in a heartbeat.

" you act as if you are so unworthy of life. Unworthy of living. That you are some beast that doesn't deserve to be cared for. Me and you Remus, we aren't so different really we aren't. People have treated you differently your whole life? Yeah me too. People look at me and I'm just some fun party trick for them they want me to change and to become their version of what is beautiful. What's perfect. No one but Charlie has ever looked at me and loved me for _me._ And I know it's the same with you and Sirius. No one had ever looked at you with love for _you_ until Sirius. Well now there's someone else. Me. I'm here. I'm looking at you. _You. The real you Remus_ and I am trying so hard to bloody show you how worthy you are but you seem so reluctant to let me. So much so that you're mad I saved you? It's fucked Remus. It's absolutely fucked! "

He had to stop for a moment to take it what she had said. He'd never looked at her and wanted her to change. Ever. He wandered how someone could have the nerve to make her. He didn't understand how someone could feel that way about him, how someone could look at him and find no flaws, not a thing they wanted to change. So unbothered by the wolf living in his head. She clearly wasn't thinking straight and neither was he, the full moon was barely a week away. His thoughts were scrambled as they always were so close to the moon.

" just. Just don't do it again Nymphadora. Please. If you truly care about me you'll respect my wishes " he said after a moment and avoided her gaze. She laughed a slightly bitter laugh and shook her head.

" so your logic is that because I care about you I should let you die next time? Huh? So you wouldn't do the same as I did tonight? If I were in trouble again, about to die, you'd let it happen, yeah? "

" of course I wouldn't. I'd protect you with my life Nymphadora I- "

" exactly! Why can't you see that someone can feel that exact same way about you " he knew the answer. _Because no one ever has felt that way about me._ He was almost certain that not even Sirius had, though they had never been in the situation to test it. But he had driven Sirius away so he guessed that there was the answer. He had been able to push him away. But Nymphadora didn't seem to be going anywhere.

Simply the idea that there was single soul on the planet that would want to put themselves in as much danger as she had simply to protect him was baffling. Especially someone like Nymphadora. Someone like her with her unbelievably pure heart that was willingly offering her life for his. Someone who he felt the exact same way for, he had never found a single person like her. So unnaturally kind. So loving. He didn't deserve her. He didn't.

" I care about you Remus. More than I care to admit right now. Why can't you see that? " she marched over to him and gripped onto his cardigan shaking him slightly as she spoke as if to shake him awake and make him truly see what she was saying to him. But he knew. He understood. He wasn't stupid.  
 _She's in love with you_

" you know I care about you too... that's why I'm saying this that's why- "

" you are so. Infuriating " she said in a lower voice cutting him off again, her fists still gripped onto him " you make me want to fucking scream at you "

" well, you've already done that " She scoffed at that but her face was softening slightly.

" Remus if you think that ever in a million years that there would come a time I wouldn't risk my life for you, then you're bloody mad. And nothing you can say to me will stop that. I care about you more than anyone else, I'd do tonight over and over again if I had to just to keep you safe. Because right now, in this bloody war, you're the one I've come to care about the most. And let me tell you it's fucking terrifying to think that. But it's true. Maybe I'm fucking mental, maybe I'm crazy. But I'm mad for you Remus Lupin " he wasn't sure what to say to her as she practically confessed her love to him.

He so desperately wanted to hear her say it. He refused to be the first to. Because if he had read it wrong and she didn't, he'd ruin things. And he couldn't risk ruining things with her, he couldn't risk losing her. He didn't feel worthy of her, but maybe he was selfish. Maybe he was letting himself be selfish by wanting to keep her around. By wanting her to be in love with him... at the same time as a voice in the back of his head told him he shouldn't " well. Say something " he could do nothing but look into her eyes, even with their ever changing colour- tonight they were an exquisite shade of violet to compliment her hair- he couldn't help but feel like he'd never seen a pair so beautiful. So captivating.

And they way they looked at him.... when she looked at him like that he didn't feel like he was the monster so many people had referred to him as. He felt human and whole. And the desire that those eyes held, the desire for _him,_ it sent his brain foggy. The full moon was so close now, only a few days away, and he had come to learn in his years of living with the condition That it was unbelievably difficult to control himself on the the uprun to the full moon. Whether that be getting unbelievably angry at minor things or having sudden urges to sob for no reason, down to wanting to kiss Nymphadora Tonks until he saw stars. His emotions ran haywire.

So with her standing there, so close and with her heart open to him so vulnerable and willing. He couldn't make himself hold back anymore. So he didn't speak. He simply grabbed her face and kissed her. It wasn't like their first kiss or any of the kisses they had shared since. It was desperate and hard. Like they couldn't find any satisfaction from how close they were and they just needed _more_.

She was yanking at his cardigan that was still twisted into her fists and they were stumbling backwards until she hit the kitchen counter. She hopped up onto it without breaking their kiss, tugging him in closer by wrapping her legs around his waist. He was mildly aware that they were making too much noise and they were in a house full of people, but she was unbelievably distracting and he couldn't find it in him to care.

He had the feeling that tomorrow morning he would regret what was happening, knew he'd hate himself for letting his so perfectly trained self control slip. But right in that moment, he pushed it all to the back of his mind. Let himself be consumed by her. By the feeling of her lips against his own, her hands that were moving to fumble with the buttons of his shirt.

He was dragged momentarily back to reality at the feel of her hands finally opening his shirt enough for her to roam her hands over his chest. They were in far too much of a risky position. Anyone could come into the kitchen and see them now. He'd be well and truly mortified if anyone walked in.

" Dora.. " she chased after his lips as he pulled back slightly, he lifted his fingers under her chin to get her attention and she opened her eyes looking a little dazed, her pupils blown out. The colour had shifted again, they were darker now and filled with longing. Desire. Want. All for him. It was all a little overwhelming.

" want to slow down? Merlin am I being all Box of nifflers? " he chuckled and shook his head.

" no no. You're fine.. but someone could walk in... "

" oh. Right yeah. Not much of an exhibitionist then? " she started laughing at what must have been a look of shock on his face and she rolled her eyes, leaning forward to kiss him again " I'm joking! C'mon... upstairs " she jumped down from the counter and grabbed a hold of his hands " come onnn " he followed her without question up the stairs, catching a hold of her waist as she stumbled on the way up. She giggled as she did and took the opportunity to turn in his grasp and kiss him again, nearly pulling him down onto the step she'd tripped on too.

" Dora... Dora. Upstairs " he mumbled against her lips, his own thoughts starting to get too clouded with desire in the same way that hers seemingly were as well. He needed her in the privacy of his room, he didn't want to have to explain what was happening to anyone if they found them in such a compromising position. Especially Sirius. That would be just his luck.

" right right. Sorry " she kissed him once more and carried on up the stairs. Thankfully they made it to Remus' room without anyone seeing them. She went in first and he closed the door behind her, locking the door and casting a silencing charm for good measure. He was taken by surprise as she suddenly crowded him against the door with a smile, stood up on her tip toes to kiss him again.

She pushed his cardigan from his shoulders and Her fingers were back on his shirt again, finishing off the buttons she hadn't managed to undo in the kitchen. She pulled away from his lips as she did, her breath coming out in short puffs, her lips swollen from kissing him so roughly. He closed his eyes as she rid him of his shirt.

Some of his worst scars were on his chest. The one that started it all, the ring of teeth marks that stretched across his shoulder. There was also a particularly nasty one over his heart, where the wolf had tried to rid itself of its confines inside Remus skin one night. He knew she'd be repulsed. She helped him after almost every full moon but the scars he inflicted on the rest of his body didn't come close to the ones on his chest.

He waited for her to make an excuse to leave. To say she'd changed her mind. But to his surprise she didn't say anything, instead he felt her lips on his skin. He opened his eyes to see her pressing a soft kiss to every single scar she could see, taking extra time on the worst.

" Remus did you try to.. " she whispered, her fingers brushing over the one on his heart.

" yes " she kissed it again before holding his face in her hands " don't make me talk about it " he whispered, almost begging. He didn't want to ruin the moment with that.

" wasn't going to.... do you wanna just go to bed... like we can stop this now if you want to. I won't mind you know" he rested his forehead down onto hers and smiled softly.

" I don't want to just go to bed Dora" that grin was back on her face again.

" good " she bit her lip for a second before taking his hands and pulling him towards the bed without another word. She pushed him lightly to sit and he shuffled back against the headboard, she crawled on top of him and planted herself on his lap. His hands immediately found her hips and pulled her in closer as she leaned back in to kiss him, rolling her hips against him.

He was suddenly aware of every place where her body was touching his, his skin almost burning and he had the overwhelming urgency to feel her skin against his. He felt too exposed there with his shirt off, his scars so vividly on show whilst she sat there fully clothed. She had been watching his face intently in between kisses and touches and it was like she knew what he was thinking. She sat back for a moment and reached for the hem of her quidditch jumper but he stopped her. She gave him a funny look but seemed to understand. She grinned at him and nodded at her at his in asked question, raising her arms above her head with a big smile.

He couldn't help but laugh at her and he mused for a moment about how different this felt already compared to every other time he'd been in such a position with someone. He'd never felt relaxed enough to laugh, to smile and not be so serious.

He pulled her jumper over her head and dropped it off the side of the bed, swiftly followed by the tshirt underneath, immediately diving forward to kiss at her neck and pulling her close with a hand on her back. He had to feel her against him, commit it to memory. Her skin was burning hot, much like his own and he pressed her even closer. She sighed contently as his lips explored her skin, tilting her head back so he could get at more of her. He felt her reach around and unclasp her bra and it was soon on the floor with her jumper. His curiosity got the better of him and he couldn't help but lean back to get a look at her.

" you're so beautiful " he found himself saying without even meaning to. She smiled at him, titling her head to the side and tossing her long hair back over her shoulders as if to give him a better view. His hands were restless but he didn't really know what to do. He felt like it was his first time again, it'd been so long nice his last time he felt a bit out of practice.

" you can touch y'know " she said as if sensing his nerves. She reached for his hands and squeezed them softly " you seem reluctant. You're not gonna hurt me y'know. Or. Or is it because you want me to change? I can if you want. Just tell me what you like... I can make em smaller. Or bigger. Or my hair? Just tell me what you like " he looked at her like she'd said the most ridiculous thing in the world. Because really she had.

" Dora. what on earth are you talking about? " she shrugged and fiddled with his fingers uncharacteristically nervous all of a sudden, embarrassed.

" everyone else I've ever been with. They've always wanted something tweaking a bit. So... what do you like? " he couldn't help but give a small laugh and he brought his hands up to cup her face.

" _you._ Dora I like you. Just as you are. However you want to be, that's what I'll like. You know you don't have to change around me. I've told you that " she smiled softly and turned her head to the side to press a kiss to his wrist

" you're bloody perfect Remus Lupin. You know that? " he chuckled and tucked a strand of her purple hair behind her ear.

" I could say the same for you " she grabbed a hold of his hand and placed soft kisses to his fingertips before leaning over close to his face again.

" then touch me... please " she placed his hand on her chest and kissed him again. He was gentle at first, massaging her softly with his hand, but she started rolling her hips again and as his trousers started to feel painfully tighter his desire spurred him on. She was moaning softly into their kiss and it was getting harder not to just grab her and take her right there and then. But he would never. It was her pace, her rules, her way. No way would he ever take any control from her. That felt far too possessive.

But she seemed to get the hint as she started to grind her hips harder against him and his hands moved to fumble with the button of her jeans. She giggled against his lips when he struggled to rid her of them " I got it " she whispered and wiggled out of them in what seemed like a well practiced move.

She tossed them carelessly across the room and her own hands dived for his belt, seemingly growing as desperate as he was, and his trousers were tossed away almost as fast as hers had been. She was rocking against him again then and now with such few layers between him he couldn't help but buck his own hips up against her making her gasp. He wanted her. Needed her.

" Remus... I need you " she whimpered in his ear and reached down in between them, wrapping her fingers around him and his breath hitched in his throat "please " he could do nothing but give a small nod but it was all she seemed to need. She slipped out of her final layer of clothing and lined herself up with him.

" Dora.... wait.... you're certain this is what you want? " he came quite suddenly to his senses and realised what they were doing. What she was about to commit herself to. Who she was about to give herself to.

" absolutely... wait. Are you? "

" I- yes. Merlin.. Dora you don't know how unbelievably certain I am. But with my condition. If anyone were to find out-" to his surprise she gave a small laugh and raised an eyebrow.

" I'm not about to go running down the street yelling at the top of my lungs that I shagged Remus Lupin " she kissed him again before Pressing herself against him and his breath hitched again " just keep looking at me... I got you" and then she sunk down onto him with a soft whine, her eyes fluttering closed for a moment. His mind went blank and he could think of nothing but her. Her her. Her. He forced his eyes open, wanted to watch her. Wanted to remember every single expression her face made. He never wanted to forget it. She stayed still for a moment before slowly starting to roll her hips again.

She pressed her forehead to his and he couldn't take his eyes off of her as she picked up the pace. His hands gripped at her hips and guided her along but let her keep the majority of the control. He didn't want to take it from her, it felt far too possessive. His stomach was knitting with that familiar feeling embarrassingly quickly and he squeezed softly at her hips as if to tell her to slow down. If only for her sake, he wanted to make her feel good. Wanted her to be the focus. His own body and needs felt irrelevant to how he valued hers.

" wanna slow down? " she did just that, leaning back slightly so he had a better view of her. She looked ethereal and he tried to look at every part of her and remember it in case the worse should happen and he might never get to experience this with her again. She tossed her long hair over her shoulders and started picking up her pace again.

Neither of them lasted much longer, months and months of flirting and teasing all coming to a head as she moaned his name as she came. He was mere seconds behind her as she coaxed him over the edge with some of the filthiest words he'd ever heard leave her lips. And he came just as hard as she had, her name leaving his lips in a choked gasp as he did. She collapsed against his chest, panting breathlessly, as she came down. 

" bloody hell " she said and started to laugh slightly, raising her head to be level with his face " didn't know you had it in you. Full of surprises you " he laughed with her and pulled her in for another kiss.

" you're okay? " he asked as he pulled away. She smiled and nodded, pushing her damp hair out of her face.

" bloody fantastic.... you? "

" wonderful " he felt her smile and she shifted off his lap and slipped under the covers, throwing them over him too and snuggling up close to him.

" course that's what you say. How very Remus of you " as the cloud of lust in his brain started to pass he couldn't quite believe he was laying there with her. The girl of his dreams, who had risked her life for him that same evening, lying there in his arms after giving her entire self to him. He felt like he was in a dream. Maybe he was.

He knew that tomorrow morning his inner wolf would bring him to feel regret for what they'd done. But he didn't think about that, tried to keep himself in the current moment. He'd not felt so relaxed and content in years. He didn't feel like there was a war brewing outside their window, didn't feel like they were at risk of death every single day. He felt safe with her. He felt _loved._ And that was going to take some getting used to, it really was. But even if it was just for that one evening he was happy to accept it.

When they had laid in a comfortable silence for a while and sleep was almost ready to claim him, Dora spoke.

" Remus. You awake? " she whispered, her hands still drawing on his chest " no? Good. Much better if I say this when you're asleep " he decided to stay still, let her think he was sleeping but listen to what she had to say " I'm in love with you " she said so quietly he was certain he'd even heard it correctly at first. It filled him with dread. But shockingly also joy. Because she was in love with him. Her. Nymphadora, wonderful, funny, caring Nymphadora. Was in love with _him_ " I love you. And I think you love me too. No. I know you do. And it's mental, it really is. Because I have this habit you know, of getting too attached too fast. But it's never felt like this. Because this. Us. Whatever it really is. Well, it's different. I wanted to tell you earlier but I didn't want to scare you away. I will tell you again though, when you can actually hear me. I know you're scared too, but you'll say it when you're ready. I know.... Merlin I'm talking to myself here.... but I'm in love with you Remus. I am. Really. Okay. Well...g'night Remus"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just to make this unequivocally clear. This was not me supporting the ( quite frankly dumb ) HC that Remus gets h o r n y around a full moon. I hope I made it clear that he gets EMOTIONAL. Think of it as a girl on her period lol. My Hc is that the closer to the moon, the less in control he is. I hope this makes sense.


	8. So often melancholy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> shocker. Remus isnt as relaxed as he thinks he is

Remus woke up in one of the best moods he had in a long time. Dora was still fast asleep, She'd seemingly shuffled around in her sleep and was now almost completely on top of him, the duvet barely covering her having slipped right down her back in the night. He pulled it up over her again so that she wouldn't be cold. She had a grip on his hand even in her sleep, their fingers lazily intertwined. She looked almost more unearthly asleep than she did awake. Like something out of an old painting, of an old myth of goddesses and angels.

Every inch of her was perfect to look at, from the perfect curve of her nose to the swell of her lips that were still looking a little swollen from their copious amount of kissing only hours ago, to the curve of her spine and the small freckles on her shoulders. She was a sight to behold, truly.

He felt like he hadn't slept for very long and by the looks of the low light coming in through the windows he probably hadn't. They had arrived home late and the sun was barely up now, he couldn't have had more than a few hours. But he didn't even care. Even his lack of sleep couldn't ruin his mood today he was certain.

He'd not felt happiness like he was currently feeling in a while, even with the moon coming up. But as he thought back, he hadn't been experiencing his usual sadness and detachment for the last few moons. Because Dora always seemed to be around to distract him, right up until moon day. And then she would be waiting for him the morning after with plenty of tea, healing spells and conversation when he needed, or silence if he needed it. It was almost routine and he liked routine. Routine made him feel comfortable. Safe. She made him feel safe. There was always that voice niggling in his head, the wolf always trying to break through and change his mind. But just lately he was doing a good job at keeping him at bay.

He looked down at where she had her head on his chest, her lilac hair splayed out around her head. It seemed to be curling and uncurling itself slightly in her sleep in time with her breathing, he wondered if it was due to whatever she was dreaming about. He hoped she had pleasant dreams, opposites to the ones that so often haunted his own sleep.

He used his free hand to run his fingers through her hair, twirling her curls around his fingers. His sharp sense of smell picked up on the same strawberry scented shampoo she always used, he knew he'd always associate strawberries with her now. Strawberries, sweet and delicate. It didn't seem a thing to describe her on first appearance, she looked like she stepped right out of some wizard-punk band most of the time and could kick up a fight and battle her own arguments with the best of them. But Remus was seeing the inner Tonks now. No, not Tonks. Dora. Tonks was outer, the punk, kick ass auror who could be stealthy and defensive and brash. He had met Dora, seen Dora. Dora was funny and caring, clumsy, weird sisters loving witch that could talk the hind legs off a hippogriff- quite literally perhaps for saying he had heard her chattering to Buckbeak on occasion.

As he lay there watching her sleep, pondering on how truly grateful he should feel for seeing Dora among Tonks, he was almost waiting for the regret to hit him. Waiting for the gut wrenching fear of what they had done, what _he_ had done, take over him. Or wait for her to wake up and go running out of the room in disgust at waking up with him, realising what she had so foolishly let him do to her. It was inevitable really. She would soon come to her senses and realise how wrong last night had been, refuse to speak to him again and leave him with only shame and the memory of her kisses. Beg him to tell no one so that her job may not be put at risk.

But surprisingly, neither situations arose.

She shifted slightly in her sleep after a few more minutes and groaned before opening her eyes. Her eyes looked around for a moment and she smiled without even looking at him, rubbing her cheek softly against his chest and shifting as if to get more comfy in a way that reminded him of a cat.

" good morning " she sighed dreamily and patted around for the hand that had been playing with her hair, grabbing it and placing it on her head again " keep doing that. It's nice " she mumbled and closed her eyes again as he started running his hand through her hair, scratching his fingers against her scalp lightly with a smile. He continued watching as the strands continued to curl and uncurl themselves, looping around his fingers every now and again.

" did you sleep well? " she nodded and pushed her head slightly into his hand as if to encourage him to keep playing with her hair more.

" mhm. Like a baby " her fingers started tracing patterns into his chest absentmindedly, going gentler over his scars. He had noticed she always made a point to acknowledge them, as if to show him she knew they were there but she didn't care " you know I never got that saying actually... don't babies wake up at like 3am screaming for food? Never having kids me. I like sleeping too much. Not down for waking up at the crack of dawn because some screaming little sprog wants to eat " he chuckled and wrapped a strand of her hair around his finger, watching as she seemed to morph it to curl on its own. He was still thoroughly in awe of her morphing abilities, it was so impressive to him. She was so impressive.

" you always have such a way with words Dora "

" this girl in my year at school, Evelyn, she has like 3 kids now. Fucking mental. She tells everyone they were planned but they really weren't. If I ever get accidentally knocked up I am heading straight for St Mungos " he rolled his eyes with a smile at her rambling.

" fortunately for you that shouldn't be a problem where I am concerned. Quite certain my condition renders any and all baby creating facets useless "

" y'know I think that's the sexiest thing you've ever said to me " he scoffed and carried on watching as her hair curled around his fingers, halting his hand as he watched in complete awe. He still felt completely baffled that anyone would ever make her change anything when she was so unbelievably wonderful doing whatever she wanted.

" hey, don't stop that " she grabbed at his hand again and patted it to her head, he started running his fingers through her hair again with a smile.

" sorry, I was admiring your abilities "

" I don't even realise I'm doing it sometimes. It's weird. Sometimes I really have to focus, other times it just does it on its own " he watched as she morphed her hair black and then blue and then white and to pink. She then turned every strand to pin straight other than just the one that had wrapped itself around his finger " mum said when I was younger it was a nightmare. She'd help me get it all neat and tidy for special occasions but half an hour later I'd be running around with green spikes or something. My hairs always been a bit unruly, sort of does want it wants, curls in my sleep quite a lot actually "

" I had curly hair when I was younger, could never keep that neat either. Though it seems to have straightened a bit with age " he said and she lifted her head with a smile.

" really? " she lifted a hand to ruffle his hair " girls seem to really love that, curly hair on boys, I bet girls loved you at school huh? " she asked with a raised eyebrow and poked his cheek with her finger. He laughed and shook his head.

" next to the likes of Sirius and James? No one was particularly interested in their friend with the strange scars " she shrugged and ran a finger lightly over the scar on his cheek " they got all the girls running after them. Though James was constantly running after Lily to even notice. Sirius on the other hand. New girlfriend almost every week from 4th year onwards. Made his way though each house, I lost track after number 5 "

" of course he did, he's a Black. They're all a bit full of themselves. Besides, who wants a plain old run of the mill pretty boy? Not me. Love someone with a bit of character " she grinned and poked his cheek again.

" so you don't think i'm pretty? " he asked with a smirk and a raised eyebrow. She snorted a laugh and lay back down on his chest again.

" fishing for compliments now huh? Who are you and where the fuck is Remus Lupin? " he smiled and his fingers found her hair again. He looked up at the ceiling, focusing on the peeling paint. Last night he'd thought he'd wake up full of regret but he hadn't. He had woken up feeling someone new, not even like himself. He was calm. He was happy. He felt like there was no one else in the world other than him and Nymphadora. And it was just... _nice._ Normal. He'd dreamed of normal. And he felt as if he were finally getting it.

" do you have to work today? " he asked after a few minutes of silence.

" not until the afternoon. On a raid " she didn't clarify what type of raid she was on. He didn't ask either. He'd found that when it came to her work just lately, that the less he knew the better. Either way he wasn't happy with the knowledge she had to leave. He didn't want to burst the little bubble they had created there in his room. She lifted her head again and reached out for his face, brushing the backs of her fingers against his cheek softly " so I have the entire morning with you. If you don't wanna get rid of me of course "

" absolutely not "

" good " she leant forward and placed a soft kiss to his lips which he couldn't resist deepening, pulling her back in with the hand that was still entwined in her hair. She smiled against his lips, sighing contently when she pulled away " I could get used to this " he definitely could too, waking up like this with her everyday and pretending like they weren't on the brink of another war. Pretending that he was normal and they were normal. Pretending that he could treat her correctly, take her out on a real date. Kiss her without fearing someone may find out. But of course that was all it was. Pretend " do you wanna go get breakfast? Or tea? Whilst we have the kitchen to ourselves, Before everyone else wakes up " she asked, effectively pulling him back to the present before he could slip off into that melancholy state of mind he had become accustomed to.

He didn't really want to leave the room, leaving that bed, it would mean their little time together of being so intimate and alone was over. Would mean his pretending was over. But her rumbling stomach gave him an answer and he nodded with a slight laugh.

" yes, it would be good to avoid the others... quite certain they heard something last night. You were shouting rather loud downstairs " she sat up, holding the duvet close to her and looked a little embarrassed but shrugged.

" you're a very infuriating man when you want to be " he pushed himself up onto his elbows and raised an eyebrow.

" oh I am? " she smirked and tilted her head to the side slightly. He didn't know where this playful side of him had peeped up from, he hadn't seen it in years. But he liked it. She was clearly rubbing off on him.

" unbelievably so " she crawled back on top of him, her face hovering above his with that grin that Remus had come to love so much " maybe that's just my thing. Maybe I like men that frustrate me. You should feel lucky I guess "

" oh I do. Don't you worry " he accepted another kiss from her, his hand trailing down her bare back to snake around her waist and pull her as close as he could. He had to focus quite hard not to get too carried away with her laying there naked on top of him, her tongue doing magnificent things with his own, and was almost thankful when she pulled away. If only to hide his almost inevitable embarrassment if she had continued.

" oh, right... we said tea " she said in between a few more kisses before sitting back up again, stretching her arms out above her head. He had the idea that she very much knew the duvet had slipped down and was purposefully putting on a show. He tried his best not to look and searched for his clothes on the floor " let me just.. " she grabbed her wand and cast a cleaning charm on both of them and then their clothes and gave a satisfied smile. He watched as she picked his cardigan and pulled it on over her T-shirt, unable to find where her quidditch jumper had disappeared to.

"don't mind do you? " he shook his head with a smile, buttoning the last button on his shirt. The cardigan was far too big on her, the sleeves hanging over her hands. But he liked the sight of her in his clothes.

He then noticed her shirt was inside out and smiled, offing his head in her direction " oh love, your shirt " she looked down before freezing with her hands on the hem. He too then froze after realising what he'd said. He hadn't meant to let the pet name slip out, his happiness making him careless. Giddy.

" love? " his cheeks burned.

" sorry I didn't mean to- is it okay? I'm sorry " she laughed and walked over to him, throwing her arms around his neck.

" Remus. We had _sex_ and you think you can't call me a pet name? Really? What? shagging is okay but you draw the line at pet names? " she teased, raising her eyebrow and he shook his head with a small laugh realising he did sound a bit stupid.

" you're right. Sorry "

" besides. It's cute. I like it " she pressed a kiss to his cheek and then pulled away heading for the door.

They made their way down into the kitchen as quietly as possible, thankful that no one else seemed to be awake yet.

Nymphadora hopped up to sit on the counter, swinging her legs slightly as Remus went about making them some tea. He glanced over at her and was assaulted with the memories of last night, her screaming at him for not understanding his own worth, the almost aggressive way that they had kissed, the way her legs had pulled him in as she sat on the same counter that she was now.

He was quite certain he'd never be able to look in that direction of the kitchen ever again without thinking of her. He was starting to notice a lot of things he could no longer do without thinking about her. He felt her eyes on him as he grabbed two cups and he wondered if she was thinking the same things as he was. He wondered if there were things she couldn't do without thinking of him now.

" I feel you watching me " he said and turned to look at her, she had that grin on her face again and had started chewing on the sleeve of his cardigan. She seemed to have quite a habit of that. He remembered her promise the first time he'd leant her his cardigan, not to chew the sleeves. But she'd almost adopted it for herself, he'd only worn it twice himself since then as she always seemed to have it. It was hers now, he didn't mind.

" come here " she said and held out her hand. Remus placed down the mugs he had just picked from the cupboard and went over to her without a second thought, and it was quite scary to him at how quickly and easily she had got him completely wrapped around her finger. But he didn't really mind, when the most beautiful woman he had ever laid his eyes on was choosing him of all people to give her affections too then he would quite happily be at her total beck and call.

She grabbed a hold of his hands and gently pulled him towards her so that he was stood between her knees, looking down at her as she grinned like the cat that had got the cream. Even sat up on the counter she wasn't quite face level with him but he guessed that it was due to the fact that he wasn't exactly average height. She wrapped her arms around his middle, pulling him as close as she could, their noses bumping slightly making her laugh.

He felt completely out of place, even with the fact of what they had done together last night fresh in his head, he never quite knew what to do with his hands. He settled with cupping her face. He brushed his thumbs gently over her cheeks, their foreheads pressed together, and she let out a long sigh steadily. She looked perfectly content, her eyes closed and just enjoying having him close- something that Remus was still trying to comprehend as being possible.

He felt like a teenager again. Almost not like himself. Like he had woken up in someone's else body, with someone's else's mind that wasn't as worrisome.

" bit of de-ja-vu huh? " she said and leant her head back slightly with a grin and he thought about how he had kissed her last night on the same counter " wanted you to kiss me like that since I saw you " his cheeks were warming and he _really_ needed to get that under control.

" I wanted to "

" should have " he chuckled and shook his head slightly, tucking her hair behind her ear " I know I know. You're a _gentleman_ huh? " she was running a finger in the inside of his shirt collar and even though he was feeling slightly more clear minded than the night before, his brain fumbled to remain focused.

" Nymphadora " he said with a slight warning tone in his voice, telling her that she had to stop because they really were in too much of a open place, that she was too distracting and he absolutely would not be able to stop himself from kissing her like he had last night if she didn't stop. And he really didn't need Molly walking in on that. Or Sirius.

" _Dora "_ she said with a roll of her eyes but she was still smiling and her hand hadn't moved " how many blood times "

" _N_ _ympha_ dora _"_ he teased back and she grabbed him fully by the collar and pulled him closer again.

" I told you you're infuriating "

" ah but I recall you do have a thing for men that infuriate you " she nodded slightly, her lips getting closer to his by the second, and he realised he'd simply just spurred her on rather than stopping her. But couldn't quite find it in him to care.

" I do " she closed the small gap between them then and he happily kissed back, his fears of being caught gently trickling out of his head as he become all too consumed by her like he so often did when she kissed him. He felt her relax in his hands and he too felt all the tension built up in his body fading into a practical nothingness. She had that effect on him that no one else ever had.

They kissed slowly for what felt like hours. No, he couldn't even put a time on it because time felt false. Everything stopped around him, freezing him in that exact moment with her and only her. Their own little bubble of existence where nothing or no one could find them or hurt them, just them. Together, like how it had felt up in his room. But of course it was all simply a feeling and not a reality and there was no locked door down here. Her fingers were toying with the buttons at his collar when their bubble burst.

" if you're hungry there is food in here, no need to try and eat each other's face. We haven't resorted to cannibalism just yet " Nymphadora startled so badly that she almost fell off the counter, only managing to stay put because of Remus planted between her knees and they came crashing back into the real world again.

Sirius was stood leaning against the door frame with the worlds smuggest smile plastered across his face that it was practically infuriating just to look at him. Remus stepped away from a partially dazed looking Nymphadora, keeping one arm around her waist from where he had grabbed her to keep her steady. He was certain that his face was the colour of a tomato and he scratched his head nervously. Sirius still hadn't moved but Remus was certain his smug little grin had gotten bigger if that was even possible.

" well Arthur owns me 5 galleons " he finally said and moved to sit down at the table, the grin still not leaving his face for even a second as he rocked back in his chair. He had a cigarette balancing between his lips and it simply made Remus want one. He had tried to stop and only use them as a stress relief, which is what he had told himself he had already been doing anyway. The Situation he was currently in was definitely able to be classed as stressful. Maybe more embarrassing, but he was willing to make the exception.

" what are you talking about? Get out you nosy tosser " Nymphadora finally spoke, hopping down from the counter and stepping close to Remus who's hand was still holding onto her.

" I bet him 5 galleons that you and moony were finally a thing. He said you weren't. He never has been very observant " Nymphadora rolled her eyes and folded her arms over her chest, clearly growing just as annoyed as Remus at his intrusion " glad you finally plucked up the courage mate, the tension in the air between you both was starting to become suffocating really "

" why are you even awake now? You normally sleep in " she asked, annoyance seeping into her voice. Sirius shrugged.

" I wanted to make sure you got back alright from your mission. I heard Kingsley had to join you, emergency patronus message or something. They wouldn't tell me details. But I can clearly see that you both got back in one piece "

" we did " she said, Remus had a feeling that the look on Sirius' face meant he knew something. And he had the sudden realisation that he might have heard them. He wanted the ground to open up and swallow him whole.

" bit of shouting going on last night wasn't there? Bit of banging around too. Everything alright? " he definitely knew, or at least thought he knew. Out of the entire house it had to have been him didn't it. He had to be the one to hear.

" everything is fine " he was thankful that Dora was taking the lead on the conversation because he was an awful liar. He'd never been very good at it, always left that down to Sirius and James if they got caught in one of their many many pranks. He was the planner, not the liar " you probably heard Buckbeak. Noisy little git is always stomping around when he gets bored "

Sirius raised an eyebrow again and opened his mouth to say anything, but seemed to suddenly get a bit distracted and he nodded in Remus' direction. Leaning back further in his chair.

" moons she isn't going to vanish you can let her go you know " Remus stepped away instantly, desperately trying to think of a way to escape the awkward situation they were all in. He knew that really he shouldn't be embarrassed, it wasn't like he was doing anything wrong. Not really " talking of you Tonksie, went looking for you in your room this morning. Bed looks unslept in. Strange, don't you think " she scowled at him and Remus wasn't sure if he should say something or not.

" I slept on the sofa in the living room that's why " she was better at lying than he was. But the look Sirius' face told Remus that he wasn't buying it at all. And that stupid smirk still hadn't dropped. He knew. He _absolutely_ knew.

" oh right right. The sofa okay. Yet when I couldn't find you in your room and went to check moonys, saw your quidditch jumper poking out from under the bed. Funny that isn't? I wonder how that got there because you slept on the sofa but I'm quite certain you had it on when you left for the mission. Strange. Very strange " Remus was planning his own funeral after his death from embarrassment when Dora sighed and grabbed a hold of his hand, tugging him in the direction of the door without a word of warning.

" oh piss off. I'm not talking about this anymore " he let her pull him along, still not knowing exactly what to say to Sirius and kept his mouth shut, quite happy to have escaped the kitchen and the growing awkwardness. Sirius was laughing loudly as they climbed the stairs.

" stay safe won't you! Already enough children in this house! " Sirius called up the stairs after them and Remus started mentally preparing his own funeral again, death by embarrassment still loudly calling his name.

" nosy little guy " she muttered as she dropped his hand and pushed open the door to the room she used when staying at Grimmauld place " oh for fucks sake not you as well " kreacher was in the room and loitering suspiciously by the wardrobe door " get out. Out. Go " To Remus' surprise he did shuffle towards the door. Kreacher never listened to him, but he guessed that Dora was technically a Black. And kreacher listened to Blacks. Even Sirius, even though he despised him.

" the half breed and the blood traitor... in my poor mistresses house....kreacher knew that the criminal would bring shame on my mistresses house again... oh my poor mistress... " she closed the door behind him and sighed. He could still hear him muttering today himself down the hallway. Remus walked over to the wardrobe to inspect what it was the house elf had actually been doing but she stopped him " I wouldn't. Honestly I wasn't lying when I said he likes to empty the bins in here. Merlin knows what he put in there " Remus gave a curt nod and sat down on the edge of the bed.

Things had taken a turn. The atmosphere had become tinged with awkwardness and the regret was making a threat to re appear. He tried to keep it down. He didn't want it to ruin his memory of the day, Didn't want to ruin things. Dora walked over to sit beside him and grabbed his hand again, playing absentmindedly with his fingers.

" Sirius... it doesn't change anything does it? For us? The others might act the same if they knew " he thought on it for a moment. Because in reality it did. Because in their bubble it was okay, they were okay. They were normal and safe and nobody would bat an eye at the ex professor werewolf and the auror. But real life wasn't their bubble. Real life wasn't as forgiving. Wasn't as kind. Real life led to the facts that he was not normal and everyone would always simply see him as the beast who had prayed on a young woman. Even if it wasn't true. Because real life was painful. It was cold. Harsh. Real life didn't allow for him to be happy, not really " Remus? Are you listening to me right now? "

" I think... it would be wise for us to not tell anyone else. Not yet. I can talk to Sirius, make him stay silent for a while longer " it was selfish of him because if nobody knew about them, then that bubble stayed in tact. And he could keep pretending he was normal and this was normal and everything was _normal._ But a selfish action seemed better than the shame that would come if people knew.

" right... right. Yeah. Okay. That's okay " she turned towards him and grabbed his other hand too " but tell me this isn't you regretting things. Tell me it's not "

" it's not " she didn't look completely convinced by his words and he squeezed her hands softly " it's not " he was still trying to decide if that really was true. Because it was bubbling up in the back of his head, threatening to take over.

" just don't get all in your head about this. I know you. I know what you're like and when I come back from work tonight I don't want you to be all mopey. Promise? "

" yes " she didn't comment on how he didn't actually say it.

++++

When Dora had left for work and the house fell into its old silence, Remus found himself alone. Which so close to the full moon wasn't always a good thing, especially when the Sirius situation that morning had put him ever so slightly on edge again. Though he really was trying to stay positive. He was. And for the first time in well.... ever, he was letting the happiness win. Letting himself enjoy the Idea that Nymphadora didn't see him as the monster he thought he was, didn't want to run away from him the second she saw him. But instead wanted to be around him constantly, wanted to listen to him when he spoke, wanted to help him when he had ripped his skin the shreds after a moon, wanted to give her entire self to him.

 _That_ part of the worrying was an entire point on his own and he over thought the entire thing so much he had given himself a headache before just deciding to try and be happy. Because last night was a big deal to him, because he had sworn a long time ago to never do such a thing with a witch. The only exceptions being women who also suffered from their own 'furry little problem'. But he had let himself go, had given himself to her and taken her right back.

He could practically feel the paranoia creeping up inside his head and so he tried to distract himself. He sat down at the table in the kitchen with a mug of tea and yesterday's edition of the daily prophet. The front cover was again talking about Sirius, blaming him for some attacks on a wizarding family in Surrey the weekend previous. They blamed him for anything and everything. 

He continued to flick through the pages hoping that Sirius hadn't attempted the puzzle page, planning to try and focus his mind on something logical for a short while when he saw a article that featured a werewolf specific headline. And froze as he saw the picture that accompanied it. It was a small group of Aurors who had apparently completed a successful raid on a small camp of werewolves only a few days prior. And Nymphadora was stood right at the front. In her defence she looked uncomfortable as ever, the only one among the group that wasn't cracking a smile. She wasn't even looking into the camera. But something inside Remus dropped.

The article stated how the pack was suspected of aiding both Voldemort and Sirius Black. But that was lies. From what he could tell the pack was older lycanthropes, people that would be of no interest to Greyback. Greyback liked them young, easy to manipulate and train to his liking. They would have just been a pack trying to live in peace and that had been taken away from them.

He pushed the paper away as the harsh reality of what he had gotten himself into hit him like a brick to the head. First and foremost Nymphadora Tonks, beautiful and loving and kind Nymphadora Tonks, was an auror. A member of society specially trained in the capture of dark wizards. And dark creatures. Specially trained in capturing the likes of _him._

He stood up from the chair and rummaged under the sink for the stash of firewhiskey that Sirius had hidden from Molly. He grabbed a bottle and headed for the library, locking himself in.

His mind kept flicking to Nymphadora as he took large gulps from his bottle, wincing slightly as the liquid burned his throat on the way down. In the 31 or so years- give or take a few days- that Remus had been burdened by the after math of his run in with Greyback, he had come to accept that no one on this godforsaken planet would ever be capable of loving him. His opinion had changed for a brief while when he had met James, Sirius and Peter that September 1st at the Hogwarts sorting ceremony many moons ago, but when their tight knit little group had completely blown to smithereens he had returned to his old way of thinking.

In fact, the more he thought about it he came to realise that maybe he never really had completely accepted it even then. Because who in their right mind would even dare to attempt even a casual friendship with someone like him. Someone with his condition. His _issues._ No one in a stable state of mind for that he was certain. In society's eyes Remus was the lowest of the low. A nobody. Nothing more than damaged goods. Something sick. _Diseased. Something hunted_ by the ministry.

He didn't deserve to be loved, people like him didn't get that honour of being cared for and protected and loved. He was a monster. Dangerous. A shell of a human being playing host to the deadliest of creatures, mindless to the damage it would do each month. So why on earth was Nymphadora Tonks so comfortable with being around him, so keen to show him that he was lovable. That he did deserve to be cared for and protected and loved. She was younger than him and maybe that was his answer. She held a sense of naivety that only came with the carelessness of youth, something he had long since lost.

A witch who's job it was to capture people like him and Lock them away, throwing out the key for good measure, seemed to care for him.

He was fighting a battle in his head everyday with himself and now she had introduced herself as a new player and it was far too much for him to process at once. Because he liked her. He liked being around her. He liked the way she could have him melted into a puddle of pure emotion just by looking at him a certain way. He didn't even care that she practically had him at her beck and call, because it gave him some feeling of purpose. Made him feel wanted. No. _Needed_. And the pure rush of happiness he felt surge through his chest every time she came stumbling into a room was something he couldn't ignore.

He had never been in love before, not like this. Not in such a sickening, heart melting way. Not in such a way that it hurt to think about losing her, leaving her, letting her go. He had never been certain on his love for Sirius, but with her... he was. Because it was different. But at the same time, he didn't understand love. He wasn't sure what it was meant to feel like, or how he was meant To act. Was he even in love? He almost wished James was here as a guide. Because he had witnessed true love seeing James with lily, he had just never felt it. He almost hated it because he couldn't figure it out.

This wasn't like learning a new spell or reading a book, it wasn't straight forward. Was he in love with Nymphadora?

Maybe.

No.

Absolutely.

So the thought of her hunting people like him hurt all the more. He knew she didn't want to. Didn't mean to. But that was just how things were. She would always be expected to. And maybe he could get past it eventually. But if he could would he really be willing to put her through the horrific life of living with a person of his kind? She'd be outcast as soon as the news spread, shunned just as much as he had been. They probably assume she was unstable in her mind because who in their right mind would fall in love with a werewolf? And to make the matters worse he knew she loved him back.

And then there was the matter of her family. Bellatrix already detested Nymphadora for she had been the product of the noble pure blood black family being tarnished with a half blood. And then if she were to add a werewolf to the mix? She was practically signing her own death note. It was pure suicide. Could he put her through that? Absolutely not. If he was in love with her then surely that meant that he was meant to be her protector. To care for her.

Putting her in the firing line of a dark witch out for blood was not caring for her or protecting her. The whole thing was making him sick with nerves and confusion and he just couldn't get his brain to think straight. Was he in love with Nymphadora?

Maybe.

Not good enough.

Was he in love? Most definitely.

He was. So would he put her through the trauma of being with him? He couldn't. His own selfish wishes meant nothing compared to her life.

 _You're too old for._ He was too old her   
_You're too poor for her , you can't support her._ He was too poor. Far too poor   
_You're too dangerous._ He was too dangerous. He was a monster. Undeserving. Unwanted. Unloved. And that was how it was to be forever. It just. Was.

He had been wallowing in his own self pity and Drinking himself Into so much of a stupor in the library by himself that he had at some point clearly blacked out. He was woken up by the sound of snuffling in his ears and then a large, wet tongue slobbering all over his face. He groaned and pushed at the large black dog as he opened one eye

" piss off padfoot " he pushed himself to sit up straighter in the armchair, holding his arms up to shield his face from Sirius. Sirius shifted back and sat himself down in the other chair with a nod towards the empty bottle on the floor and the sizeable amount of cigarette butts in the old ashtray the he didn't really even remember smoking.

" someone had a solo pity party I see? " Remus tried to hide his sudden embarrassment and rubbed at his temples, his head throbbing. He didn't drink much these days so an almost entire bottle of whiskey wasn't doing him any favours " come on, let it out. Tell me what's got you acting like 16 year old moody moony again " Remus sighed and leant down to where his almost empty pack of cigarettes lay on the floor and offered one to Sirius before lighting his own " filthy habit mate" he said as he placed one between his lips " thought you quit "

" I have "

" looks like it " Sirius said with a raised eyebrow and leant back further into his chair, tapping off ash into a ashtray Remus had waved over to him. Remus leant his head back and looked up at the ceiling, focussing on the peeling paint instead of his pounding head " tell me what's up moony.... re.... hey, Remus come on " his brain was a mess. He had far too many emotions and thoughts still from the previous night and mixed with his raging hangover. It was not a good mix " is it the order? Missions? Do you need a break, because I can talk to Alastor. Or Dumbledore if you do " Remus shook his head. He wished it was something as simple as that that was bothering him.

" then.... Full moon? You get overwhelmed before a full moon, is it worse this time? " he shook his head again, watching the smoke swirl from his mouth up towards the peeling paint.

" Tonks? " his hand froze for a moment, the cigarette hovering in mid air before moving back between his lips " yep. Tonks. Okay okay " he heard Sirius sigh and Remus lifted his head again. He finished his cigarette and immediately lit another, offering the pack to Sirius again who took one " I told her to slow it down a bit. What's she do? " it was Remus' time to sigh and he rubbed a hand over his face.

" nothing at all. She's done nothing but be well... wonderful " Sirius frowned, tapping his ash into the tray.

" and that's a problem? " Remus shrugged and kept staring up at one particular curl of paint that looked ready to fall from the ceiling " you two seemed to be just fine to me... She can be a bit in your face I'll give you that " he shook his head again looked back at Sirius.

" she deserves so much better " he said honestly, stubbing out his cigarette in the ash tray " we- I. I took advantage of her kindness and her willingness to help me and it's just made me realise that I need to stay away. I'll talk to Alastor tomorrow, ensure I'm taken off any missions with her. I clearly cannot be trusted " Sirius had an eyebrow raised and leant back further in his chair.

" are you done? Finished your whine? " Remus frowned at him and Sirius simply gave a dry laugh " let me get this straight. Do correct me if I'm wrong, You say that you ' took advantage of her' and then I catch you two snogging like teenagers in the kitchen. You slept together? Correct? Yes. I hate to break it to you Remus but Tonks is grown adult and though she may seem thicker than two short planks sometimes she's actually quite smart. And very very capable of making her own decisions. I doubt there is a single person on this planet that could make her do anything she didn't want to. You're allowed to have feelings Remus, you're allowed to have feelings for her "

he stood up and came to sit beside Remus " I've told you more times than I can count that you are not your condition. You deserve to feel loved. To be loved. To love " he had told him countless times in their youth. He hadn't believed him then, he didn't believe him now. He doubted he ever would. " and honestly mate would have thought getting your leg over would have cheered you up a bit. Bloody hell "

" you don't understand. You never have " he ran his hand through his hair with a sigh and got to his feet. He didn't feel worthy of love at all. He felt unworthy of it. Of her. Of everything.

" maybe I don't. But I know that Tonks likes you, all of you. Furry little problem and all. And I know you like her. You need to give these things a change moons, you do. Especially now. Anyone of us could be dead tomorrow, there's no time for regret in a war. You have to take every slice of happiness you can grab and cherish it " deep down he knew Sirius was right- for once. But he still felt wrong for feeling for her, for accepting and returning her affections.

" look Sirius- "

" Remus. No ones asking you to go out and marry her. But she makes you happy. Doesn't she? Come on don't lie "

" yes " it was the truth. She did. Made him almost giddy just by walking into the room, lifting his mood in an instant every single time.

" so just... try. You deserve to be loved. promise me you'll try? Try to put yourself first for once in your bloody life moons? "

Maybe it was the upcoming moon messing with his head. Maybe he was overthinking things the way he always did. Or maybe he wasn't and he'd regret ever letting himself get involved with Nymphadora Tonks, in the middle of a war no less. But then again, James and Lily had fell in love in a war and they had been the most pure form of love Remus had ever come to witness. But then there was the end of their story to contend with to...

" Remus? "

" yes. I Promise " maybe it was foolish. Maybe it was reckless. But he vowed to _try._ Because before Dora he had been almost happy to accept that he would wallow in his self pity for the rest of his life. Or die in a war and go out with having some kind of meaning to his life. But she had changed that. Because now there was that voice in the back of his head that was telling him that he didn't have to wallow. He didn't have to die to have a meaningful life. Because she was giving him meaning. And maybe, just maybe, he could give it a try. Give them a try. Maybe.


	9. A slave to the moon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> remus is going through it in this chapter

Remus was drinking a mug of tea and reading a particularly boring book on the history of goblin revolts when Tonks came shuffling into the kitchen, tripping on the last step as she came down the stairs. She was all puffy faced and half open eyes, the platinum white blonde bob she was sporting no longer pin straight as it was when she had left for work.

She didn't acknowledge him straight away, almost like she hadn't totally noticed he was there. But he knew she must know, must have known he was down in the kitchen other wise she wouldn't have bothered the trip down the stairs. Would have slumped onto the sofa in the living room instead, where he had found her numerous times since meeting her.

" good morning " he said after a moment, watching as she lay her head down on her folded arms, her eyes falling shut. He noticed she wasn't wearing her red work robes, even though she had clearly come straight from the ministry. She didn't seem to like wearing them around him since the new laws had come in, she was also rather vague when she talked about work. Which he hadn't decided if he should like or not. It was Doras pride and joy being an auror, but he felt as if he was watching her slowly becoming more distant from it. She was trying to stay true to her job, trying to do the right thing. But the Aurors were simply being used by the minister, their reputations growing more and more tarnished.

He remembered the first time he'd seen her in her robes, how confident and proud she seemed. And then now embarrassed she seemed in them when she had come back from work after stealing his file, how quickly she'd removed them. She clearly wanted to make him more comfortable, not wanting him to think she was like the corrupt wizards and witches that were infiltrating the ministry.

" wotcher " she mumbled after a few moments, opening her eyes. She gave him a tired smile which he thought was unbelievably _cute "_ you look nice " her eyes gave a very slow wander from his head to his feet and back again. he gave a small scoff and placed down his book.

" I fear sleep deprivation is affecting your eyesight.... had a long night? Tea?" he asked and stood up to make her a cup of tea before she could even answer, the nights were getting colder and she seemed against dressing for the weather. So she would most likely need warming up.

He already knew she'd have had a busy night, she'd been gone for hours and hours. She'd said she'd be back for dinner last night, but Mabel had come crashing through the window with a scraggly written note saying she'd been called out to another shift and not to wait up for her. So Remus had made sure to save her a heaping plate of the cottage pie Molly had made before Sirius could snatch up all the leftovers.

" my eyesight is perfectly fine thank you, it's the rolled sleeves... mhm yeah it's the sleeves " she said with a smirk and propped her head up on her hand, not being even slightly subtle as she looked him up and down. He looked down briefly at his arms, the sleeves rolled up to his elbows due to the fact he'd been doing the washing up. He felt his cheeks tinge red but did also feel his ego take a little boost " if I didn't feel like I'd just done ten rounds with a welsh green then I'd jump you right now " He chuckled and shook his head, taking a steaming mug of tea over to her and her plate of food that he had saved.

It all felt awfully domestic. Greeting her home after a long nights work, her flirting shamelessly with him, maybe in an ideal world that's how it would always be.

Since his small meltdown in the library with Sirius he'd tried to listen to his friends words. He was still constantly battling with what was right and wrong. But he was trying. He was. And In the almost week since that day in the library he had been battling with himself constantly. But it only seemed to hit him when he was alone. Which he guessed was okay because Dora barely left his side still, he had expected things to change between them now they had slept together. He was still waiting for her tell him she regretted it, that she didn't want to see him anymore. But she hadn't.

She was acting the same. Normal. Except now he woke up with her in his bed in the mornings, she seemed to spend more time around him. If anything she seemed to have grown closer. Not further away.

Maybe he was over thinking things like Sirius had said, waiting for her to leave when she clearly wasn't about to. In fact he _knew_ he was over thinking. But today of all days he was happy to accept that he was. Full moon days were the one day he would happily admit his mind was a mess and accept it.

He looked over at Dora as she lifted her head and took a big gulp of her tea, wincing as she burnt her mouth. She always did that and never seemed to learn.

" you never answered my question, long night? " she smiled and shrugged, poking her potatoes with a fork.

" mental. three raids, nine arrests. Department of magical law enforcement has had a bloody field day. Wouldn't like to be the one in Azkaban administrations today, nine possible new inmates? Don't think they'll be going home on time " she punctuated her sentence with another yawn " one of them gave me a right wallop to the head though, was so tired by the time it came to arresting him I think I was off the ball a bit. Still got him though, the tosser "

His attention peaked at the knowledge she had been hurt and he immediately sidled closer to her. He pushed the white blonde fringe she was sporting today out of the way, trying to see if he could see any injury. Scanning her head for any bump or scrape. She batted his hand away with a smile and moved her head from his grasp.

" don't fuss, don't fuss. I'm alright. Really " he wasn't satisfied with her answer and he made her sit still whilst he cast a general healing charm on her just for good measure. It was quite an overwhelming feeling of hatred he felt knowing that someone had hurt her. He'd felt it multiple times around her now, whenever she'd come back from work or order business a little scraped up. He wasn't an angry person really, so it was odd. " Remus. I'm _fine._ Merlin you worry more than my mum does " she pulled her hair up in every direction to show him she was fine " see? Picture of health! Healthy as a hippogriff! "

She pressed a kiss on his cheek and leant back in her chair again, taking another big gulp of tea. Remus was satisfied that she was okay, choosing to sit and seethe over whoever it was that had hurt her rather than fuss for now. But he noticed she hadn't touched her food, even though she'd been poking at it.

" you need to eat something love " he said and nodded towards the plate. She groaned and waved her hand, taking another gulp of tea " Dora. You've been at work for almost 20 hours. And I know you wouldn't have ate. Please eat something. Just a little, or I'll have no choice but to get kreacher in here to examine your head for you instead " he felt as if he might be being too pushy, the professor in him coming out to play, but he was only looking out for the best for her.

" Merlin, anything but that miserable old git. You're spending too much time around Sirius, Remus Lupin, you're getting mean " he shook his head with a smile but felt quite triumphant when she took a bite of her food " you also _really_ sound like my mum. So relax a bit would you? " she said with a smile and elbowed him lightly " I'm perfectly fine at taking care of myself "

" I know you are... so eat something. molly said that's your favourite, I made sure I saved you some before Sirius devoured the left overs. He could eat for England " her interest seemed to peek a little more at the knowledge he had saved her some and she smiled at him again. She smiled a lot around him he noticed.

" You saved it for me? Well aren't you just _lovely "_ she poked his arm and took another bite.

" wasn't I mean a moment ago? " she rolled her eyes but carried on eating. He went back to looking at his book, his age old tradition and tactic of keeping a steady mind on moon days by reading. But he felt her looking at him, eyeing him curiously as he did so, making it unbelievably difficult to focus and he re read the same page four times before she spoke.

" have you slept? " she asked suspiciously and took another mouthful of potato, narrowing her eyes at him and scanning his face " those bags under your eyes could carry the entire contents of my flat "

" I... forgot " he said with a small smile. She scoffed and put her fork down. Of course he hadn't slept. He found it difficult to sleep at the best of times around the moon, but with Dora not returning home and her assignments at work getting more dangerous by the day, how on earth could she have expected him to just settle down for the night.

" Remus you need to rest for tonight. I know I just told you not to fuss and this is me being unbelievably contradictory. But you look knackered " he sighed and placed his book down as she finished up the last of her food.

" I don't want to talk about the moon Nymphadora. Please " she gave a small nod and pushed away her now empty plate and her empty mug. She stood up from her seat and plonked herself down in his lap, looping her arms around his neck.

" that's alright, I can take your mind off it" she wiggled her eyebrows at him and he couldn't help but laugh at her. His hands moving to hold her waist, already having visions of her falling off. She'd done that only a day ago, perched herself in his lap only to go toppling off barely a minute later.

" your statement was definitely contradictory, you need to get to bed and get some sleep yourself " he said softly, running a strand of her hair between his fingers " you look exhausted " she yawned again as if to prove his point " I like this colour on you" he added, he hadn't seen her with white hair before. But she managed to pull it off, like she did with every colour.

" you say that about every colour I have. You compliment every one " she mused, playing with a thread on his collar and he was again struck by how unbelievably domestic it was.

" well you suit every colour "

" oh you charmer " she leant forward and pressed a kiss to his lips, but pulled back after only a moment to yawn again.

" go on, up to bed. You need to rest " he patted her waist to make her stand and she did so with a sigh, but not much of a fight and he knew she really must be exhausted. Because she was normally so stubborn, determined to have the last word " I'll see you before I go, I'll come wake you if you aren't up " he said and reached out for his book again, planning to try and finish it seeing as his distraction in the form of Nymphadora was leaving. But she leant over and snatched the book from his grip. He frowned and turned back to look at her.

" You need to rest too Mr ' I forgot to sleep ' " she reached out for his hand and pulled him to his feet.

" Dora- "

" won't hear another word. Come on " he too was as tired as she was, and he knew better than to argue with her. So he waved her dishes over to the sink before she tugged him out of the door and up the stairs. Most of the house would be waking up soon so he didn't think they would actually be able to get much sleep. But he knew she wouldn't go to bed unless he did too, she was too stubborn.

She tripped on the way up the stairs, a yawn mixed with being awake for over 24 hours making her lose her balance. He grabbed her before she could face plant the steps, holding tightly to her waist. She laughed and twisted to throw an arm around his neck, using the opportunity to flirt with him in true Dora fashion.

" bit of de ja vu this " she said, pulling him closer " got a thing for making out on stairs have you? "

" not quite. You just seem to have a thing for constantly tripping on them " she ran a hand over his bare forearm and sighed.

" merlin, if I weren't so bloody tired- "

" _Dora "_ she sighed again and pressed a chaste kiss to his lips before standing up straight again.

" right right. Sleep. Rest. Yeah. Sle- ep " she yawned mid sentence and Remus kept a hand on her waist as they walked up the rest of the stairs, worried she'd fall again in her tired state, and kept an extra grip on her as they passed Walburga.

She snuggled up close to him as they made it into his room and clambered into his bed, nuzzling her face against his neck. It was starting to feel normal having her in bed with him, hearing the steady sound of her breathing, feeling her breath against his skin.

Sometimes he would find himself thinking back to all those months ago when they had first met, he had never even imagined he'd be where he is now with her. He had thought she was remarkably beautiful the second he'd laid eyes on her, even after being almost knocked out by her. He'd never have dreamed that that whirlwind of a woman would end up being as enamoured by him as he was by her, but here they were.... a couple? He still wasn't quite sure on that front.

Dora fell asleep quickly, her breathing evening out and her heart rate slowing down. She had a habit of fidgeting around so he held her close to try and stop her. She'd almost shoved him out of bed multiple times when she'd shared with him, he'd never known a more wriggly sleeper in his life. But quite honestly he hadn't had a huge amount of experience in sharing a bed with anyone.

He'd shared with James once or twice when Sirius had put a jinx on his own bed, Peter too had once crawled into his bed in the middle of the night in first year because Sirius had told him there was a dementor under his bed. And of course he had shared with Sirius. But Sirius slept like the dead, silent and unmoving. A huge contrast to Dora.

But the one similarity he found with her was how easily he fell into sleep, maybe it was just the need for company. After having been so lonely for so long maybe it was just the human contact.

Though falling asleep was easier with her there, the sleep itself wasn't as easy. It wasn't peaceful. His mind, as it so often was on a full moon day, was ravened with terrifying images and dreams. Today they were mostly of Dora, but not the nice ones he sometimes had. She wasn't laughing at him this time, she wasn't smiling and braiding flowers into her hair and twisting some into his too, she wasn't running away from him as he playful chased her. She was running away screaming, terrified and bloody from wounds that he had caused. She was shouting and begging for someone to help her, but nobody came and he was advancing and advancing and watching as she fell and scrambled to get to her feet. But he was faster than she was, the wolf was faster. She pushed and shoved trying to get him away but he was stronger, the wolf was stronger.

The images twisted and she was as normal looking as ever, but was looking at him with pure disgust. Spitting words at him of how she regretted ever meeting him, felt disgusted by what she had let him do to her, told him how useless and worthless he was. Which was almost worse than than the first, the image of her disgusted face was burning into his eyelids. And then the screaming was back, the blood so strong that he felt like he could smell it, her body limp and lifeless in his arms.

He woke up in a cold sweat, panting and unaware of where he was, shoving away the body that he felt beside him. The image of a dead Nymphadora in his arms still fresh in his mind.

" hey! Hey! Remus! Remus look at me" he could hear her voice but it was mixing with her screams and he couldn't figure out what was the dream and what wasn't, he couldn't see in front of him. All he could see was _her._ And her blood. " Remus. Remus it's Dora, look it's me, look at me you're okay! " he felt her hands on him and he forcefully pushed them away. But her hands were on his face in an instant and she held on tightly as he tried to shake free.

She forced him to look at her, holding his face steady. He tried to focus, tried to listen to her as she tried to drag him back to reality. But he could still hear her screams " Remus. Remus. Sweetheart come on look at me. Look, it's me. It's Dora. You're okay. You're safe it's okay. You're okay. You're home. You're at home with me "

Her face started to become clearer in his vision and he brought a shaky hand up to feel where hers were gripping at his face. The screaming was fading, the images of her body covered in blood were fading with them " that's it, look at me, look at me. You're alright sweetheart you're alright " she was smiling softly but her eyes were filled with worry " breathe with me okay? You gotta calm down. Come on, in...And out.... in....and out. That's it, you got it... in... "

She didn't let go of him until his breathing was less erratic and even then she seemed reluctant to move " gave me a fright there " she said softly and moved to brush her fingers against his cheek and down to his chin " don't worry, you're safe now " he was mildly surprised to find he actually believed her, the haunting images from his dreams leaving his mind. She reached over and grabbed her wand from the bedside dresser and summoned a mug of tea " here, drink this. Plenty of sugar. Mum used to say that helps with shock and that. So, drink up yeah? "

She handed him the mug but his hands were shaking still and she simply gave him a sympathetic smile and held her hands over his on the mug, bringing the mug to his lips with him. He felt stupid, weak, useless and part of him wanted to flee the room. He wanted to get away, needed to get away. He wanted to get out the house, out of London even. But another part of him knew he couldn't. Because she was being so caring and kind and helpful.

" and to think Sirius said you belonged In Gryffindor. Hufflepuff through and through aren't you? " he said in some attempt at lightening the mood. Though it didn't seem to have the affect he wanted, because his voice didn't carry it. But she simply smiled again and moved to sit beside him.

" you say it like it's a bad thing " she grabbed onto one of his hands and squeezed softly " are you alright now? Scared the living daylights out of me you did " he felt guilty for scaring her and maybe it was also the knowledge that he had torn her to pieces in a dream less than an hour ago too.

" I'm fine " he lied " Dora I'm so sorry " she waved a hand at him and started picking at a thread on her shirt.

" don't be. You just worried me that's all... bad dream? " he nodded " get them a lot near the moon? " he nodded again, hoping she wouldn't make him elaborate. How could he tell her what his dream self had done. Ever since meeting her he had been terrified of scaring her away, though nothing he had ever done or said had managed to just yet. He had the feeling this would be the thing to finally do it " you know... I had a friend at school. She had moments like this too. You know she'd panic. Take hours to get her calm again sometimes... what I'm trying to say is. It's okay.... I'm not going to treat you any differently... it's not... Merlin I'm so bad with words. Look just I know you, I know you're going to get in your head about this. But it's _okay R_ emus. It doesn't make you weak. Or weird or. It's just, it's okay "

She didn't leave his side until he got ready to leave Grimmauld place for Yorkshire, constantly giving him a questioning look to see if he was okay. It started to get a little annoying as the hours passed by and he grew more and more agitated, but he didn't say anything. He made sure to hold back his urge to snap and tell her to go away, because he didn't want to hurt her. She was always so kind and caring towards him, she didn't deserve him yelling at her and he'd only regret it immediately after anyway. And after how purely kind she had been to him earlier, he could never say something so hurtful.

By the time the sun started set he was bristling at every slight noise, every tiny normally unimportant thing was annoying him. He should have guessed from his horrific nightmare earlier that this moon wasn't going to be particularly kind to him. He was a mess of nerves and anger and shame, mixing into a awful cocktail in his head. And on top of that he was trying to stay calm. If only for Nymphadoras sake.

" right. I'll be waiting for you when you get back okay? You know where your going? Know where to apparate back? " she asked, fussing over his travelling robes.

" yes " he said, gritting his teeth as his joints started to ache in preparation. He shrugged off her hands and she clasped them in front of her instead. She looked a little awkward, or nervous. The atmosphere had shifted, he knew it was his own fault but he was too angry and achy to really acknowledge it.

" okay. Okay. Well I'll see you later then" she leaned up to kiss his lips but seemed to change her mind at the last minute and went for his cheek instead. He didn't say anything else to her and turned and headed for the door.

++++

As the sun started to rise Tonks made her way outside and sat down on the top step of number 12, blanket in her hands. It had started to become a tradition almost. Every full moon she would be waiting for him on the doorstep, blanket in hand and a whole array of healing potions and ointments waiting inside for him. She was more anxious than ever to take care of him today though.

She'd never seen him as panicked as he had been after his nightmare, the terror that had been on his face and the reluctance to look at her properly for the rest of the day. She knew the dream must of featured her, if not why had he refused to look at her? Made an excuse every time she tried to scoot closer to him? Let her hold his hand but not gripping on as tightly as he normally did? And not letting her kiss him.

He had seemed to be getting more comfortable around her lately, but this looked like it had pushed him a step back. As if all the progress they had made had been dashed in a matter of seconds. She really hoped it hadn't all vanished, hoped it was simply just the moon playing with his head. She was falling for him harder with every single day that went by and he actually seemed to be falling for her too, she couldn't have that torn away. He seemed happier around her, more comfortable. When he wasn't in one of his moods anyway.

An hour went by until she heard the crack of appraration and Remus came staggering out of the communal garden in the middle of the square. She got to her feet and hurried over to him, quickly wrapping the blanket around him. She locked an arm around his waist to help him walk across the street, looking around to make sure no muggles were around to see them.

" one second " she whispered as they reached the gate and she poked her head out, pushing him back lightly as a muggle rode past on a bicycle " alright, come on sweetheart I got you " she said when the coast was clear again. she hurried him inside as best she could in his limping state.

She didn't want to chance getting him down the steep stairs to the kitchen or up to his room so she ushered him into the living room. Silently summoning all her healing supplies from downstairs as she sat him down on the sofa. As soon as the box came floating through the door she got to work, carefully peeling off his robes.

He hadn't said a single word to her yet, which wasn't too much of a shock. But he didn't seem right. He seemed to be shaking in her arms and looked more dazed than he normally did " Remus... you don't seem right. Did something else happen? " He looked up at her as if he couldn't tell that she was there. Like he was trying to understand if he was dreaming. A lot like how he had looked after his nightmare and she placed her hand to his cheek " hey " she said softly " you're safe now sweetheart. You're safe now " he gave a small nod and she pressed a gentle kiss to his forehead before pulling things from the box. She placed down the small bowl and waved her hand over it " aquamenti " she said quietly and watched as it filled with warm water.

" let me " she said as Remus tried to remove his shirt, keeping her voice as gentle as she could. She moved his arms to let her slip his shirt from his shoulders and held in a gasp at the state of him. He was black and blue, covered in bruises and cuts. She carefully sat behind him, dropped a towel into the bowl and wrung it out before gently dabbing at the blood on his skin. He flinched slightly and she whispered an apology and moved to sit closer, pressing a kiss onto his shoulder " do you want to talk? " he said nothing " need me to talk? " he gave the slightest shake of his head and she accepted that he needed silence.

So she worked in silence, wiping away the blood and covering his wounds with bandages and plasters, kisses following immediately after. But a wound on his side refused to heal with magic and it just wouldn't stop its slow oozing of blood and she knew there would be a new scar to add to his collection in its place sooner or later.

He seemed to have attacked his body twice as much as normal, she hadn't seen him so bad before. She managed to stem the bleeding after packing and wrapping the wound on his side tightly before pressing another kiss to his shoulder and moving around to sit in front of him. His face was red and glistening with sweat, she frowned and placed the back of her hand to his forehead " you're burning up. You need to rest, it's probably the blood loss " he let her lie him down and cover him with the blanket.

She sat on the floor with a bowl of water charmed to stay cold, dabbing a wet towel to his forehead to keep him cool. He still hadn't spoken a word to her. Sirius had mentioned before that he could have really bad moons, but they didn't happen that often. This must've been one of them. He fell asleep after a little while and she stood up to go and find something for him to eat when he woke up, only to bump into Sirius as she softly closed the living room door.

" oh, alright? " she said and rubbed at her tired eyes " didn't think you'd be up, don't go in there he's sleeping " he ignored her and poked his head around the door to see.

" he looks awful " she shrugged and leant back against the wall as Sirius closed the door again.

" lost a lot of blood but he'll be okay. I cleaned him up, he's sleeping now "

" I think you should go. You've never dealt with him bad like this before. I have. Go home. Go rest you look tired, I can take over from here " she almost laughed at him, raising an eyebrow at his foolish suggestion.

" you can't be serious? You really think I'm gonna just leave with him in that state? No fucking way " she moved to go back into the living room but Sirius blocked her path with his arm " Sirius. Move. He needs me right now "

" he needs care and attention from someone that knows what they're doing, I know what I'm doing "

" and so do I. I've cared for him for dozens of moons now. He's cleaned and resting. Leave him be "

" I help him after the moons Tonks. I always have. You don't know what you're doing " her eyebrows shot up as she started to realise what was happening. Sirius felt replaced. She had swept in and all but taken over Remus' full moon recovery's. Sirius was too drunk half the time to even notice them these days so really she didn't have much choice in the matter. But now he was sober. And clearly regretful " are you... are you _jealous_ Sirius? oh my god you are. Are you fucking with me? I love you Sirius but you have to realise how ridiculous you are being right now? "

She felt for him, she really did. Sirius acted like he had no real purpose anymore, only Harry. And with Harry at school he was alone. No responsibility. Remus had been his responsibility. Part of her wondered if it stemmed deeper than that, but she wasn't about to ask him.

" I'm not being ridiculous Tonks- "

There was stirring inside the living room and mumbling that sounded like Remus had woken up again. Tonks hurried into the room before Sirius could stop her. He was still asleep it seemed, simply dreaming or battling to wake up. She couldn't tell. She silently begged he wasn't having a repeat of yesterday.

" it's the fever. It makes him incoherent sometimes " Sirius said mater of factly. She ignored him and sat down on her knees on the floor beside Remus on the sofa. She pushed his hair away from his forehead that was prickled with sweat. His face was scrunched up and he was twitching slightly. She hated to see him like that. So scared and in so much pain, she'd give anything to be in his position instead.

" Remus? Sweetheart? " she whispered as he stirred again, unsure if he was waking up or still dreaming.

" Tonks, you need to leave. Now. Let me deal with this. He's lashed out before, you know he won't forgive himself if he hurts you _please_ " she continued to ignore him. No way was she leaving him. No way. He wouldn't leave her if she was in his position, so she wasn't about to leave him.

" Dora..... Dora " he mumbled, barely audible but there, his face still scrunched up in pain " Nym... Nymphadora "

" I'm here it's okay, I'm here. You're gonna be fine " she didn't turn around but heard Sirius leave the room, slamming the door as he went. She felt sorry for him. But also rather smug.

" Dora " she gave him a warm smile and squeezed his hand, pressing a kiss to his knuckles.

" I'm here. Not going anywhere "

+++++

She didn't really see him for the rest of the day then. He slept for the majority of the morning and then, when he did wake up, locked himself inside the library without a word to anyone. Sirius was still in a grump with her and so she ended up back in her flat, not wanting to disturb Remus who clearly wanted to be alone. And not particularly wanting to sit with a miserable Sirius. So her rare day off was filled with an almighty amount of bugger all. Which wasn't all that awful she guessed. At least she wasn't having to sit and listen to Dawlish or Fawley witter on about completely pointless things, or listen to a new pointless law be passed.

She used her time to actually get her flat back into a habitable state, Mabel occasionally swooping in and out of the window as if to see if she was done yet. She wasn't usually one for cleaning, but she was happy for the distraction. All she could think about was Remus. She'd never seen him so bad, both on the run up to the moon and the aftermath. Especially as he wouldn't talk to her. So she refused to think about it after a while and focussed on cleaning and nothing else.

So by 6 o'clock she was well and truly knackered. She had just slumped down onto her sofa with a family sized box of cauldron cakes and a bottle of beer she had nicked from Sirius, when there was a knock on her door. She paused, quite comically, with a cake half way between her mouth and the box mildly hoping whoever it was would just go away. But they knocked again. And then again.

" alright! I'm coming! Bloody Nora keep your pants on wou- oh. Wotcher Remus " she said as she swung open the door to see him stood there, his fist raised as if to knock again. He looked dreadful, there was no nice way to put it. He was pale, bandages were peaking out from the edges of his robes and he looked as if he hadn't slept in a week. Even though he had slept for hours that same morning.

" Dora I- I'm sorry to turn up uninvited but. I think- well. I was wondering if we could have a chat? " he was out of sorts. He wasn't always the most put together when it came to speaking, nerves sometimes tripping him up on his own words. But something was off. And besides the last time he had suggested they 'chat' with such a grave expression on his face they had argued, well she had done most of the arguing, and ended up in bed together. Which she guessed wasn't too bad actually, but that was besides the point. Something was wrong.

" yeah! Come in. Got me on a good day, cleaned up today actually! " she put as much joy in her words as she could muster, hoping to balance out the odd mood he was clearly in. She stepped back to let him in and he limped into the flat " can I take your robes? "

" no. I. I don't really think I'll be staying long. I'd rather like to cut to the chase actually " she gave him a confused look but nodded, perching herself on the arm of the sofa.

" alright. Spit it out then "

" I was going to write to you to tell you this. But I think... I think you deserve to hear it in person " something was telling her she definitely wasn't about to end up in bed with him tonight " I think it would be wise if we don't continue with... whatever it is that we have right now. You and I we- it's not a good idea Nymphadora " she had come to like the way he said her full name, him being the only person she'd not berate as much for saying it. But this time it felt like a punch to the gut. It didn't have that light tone to it. That playful hint that appeared when he was trying to get her attention. But most of all because she had started to get used to Dora. Or love " you deserve someone so much better than me. Someone who can give you so much more. I have nothing to offer you, I'm far too old and poor. You're young. And beautiful. You have your whole life ahead of you, what sane minded person would want to settle down at such a young age with someone like me? I mean look at me Nymphadora "

She folded her arms across her chest and raised an eyebrow. She didn't buy it. Not in the slightest. He'd all but confessed to having feelings for her. Loving her. And she had learnt how to read him in the time they had known each other. She knew what he was thinking and how to act around him depending on his mood. She knew when he needed her lightness and bubbly personality and chatter. And she knew when he needed her to be quiet and listen and just _be._ And she knew he loved her, even though he didn't say it.

It was in the way he went out of his way to protect her on missions, even if she didn't need protection. How he would offer her some of whatever he was eating, specifically his chocolate. How he held her when they shared a bed, how his face fit so perfectly in her neck and her body seemed to fit perfectly against his as they slept, how they shared tea from the same mug, how he waited up for her when she was out late, tried to keep kreacher out of her way, knew when she was about to drop something before she even did. So many small things that said ' I love you ' without the words.

And she did the same for him. She loved him in the simplest of ways. She knew how he took his tea. She knew how his hands became unbelievably restless when he was anxious, scratching unknowingly at his palms if it was a particularly bad anxiety attack but she would gently hold his hands to make him stop. His ears would tint red when he was angry. He preferred milk chocolate over white. Always tied his shoes in a double knot. Had a habit of pulling his sleeves over his hands when he was nervous. Absolutely hated coffee. They loved each other. And he was just too scared to admit it.

" look at the state of me after last night? I'm dangerous Nymphadora. Look at what I do to myself. What I could do to you. I know I look weak. I feel it most of the time but I'm stronger than you, I could hurt you without even realising. I could. If my nails ever pierced your skin, my teeth, that mark wouldn't go away. I'm dangerous. It's not safe for me to be around you. And the feelings that we think we have for each other. They're born from pressure. The tension of war, it makes you behave strangely. "

" are you done having your little pity party there or shall I take a seat? " he turned around and looked at her with confusion. But she wasn't having any of it, she was more than done with his self loathing. She wasn't about to let him ruin what they had with it.

" I'm being serious Nymphadora "

" you're being bloody ridiculous that's what you're being " she marched over to him, demanding his attention " I'm going to pretend the fact of you trying to say you don't love me didn't hurt because it did, because the thought that you think I would ever care about any of what you said hurts the most. Do you even know me at all Remus? You really think I'm the kind of person to just use you for a while and then kick you to the side because you're a werewolf? Because you're not swimming in gold? You don't live in a fancy mansion? I hate to break it to you Remus but money isn't everything you know. And as for your age, you're not exactly fucking 90 are you? Merlin, you're very stupid for saying you're so smart you know "

He shook his head and took a step away from her.

" we were far better as friends Nymphadora the risks are too much no matter if you think you lo- "

" we were never just friends Remus. Not really. And you know it. And you know it can never go back to that now " he ran his hands through his hair and shook his head again, not speaking for a moment " I love you " she'd never said it out loud. Not when he was awake anyway. She was half expecting him to go running out of the door. He looked like he wanted to.

" I know " he sighed, his shoulders sagging as if in defeat and was silent for another moment " which makes this so much worse. I never wanted you to have feelings for me... I never expected to have them for you. but you deserve better Nymphadora. So much better "

She laughed, throwing her hands into the air at the pure stupidity of the man standing in front of her.

" you know what maybe I do. Maybe I don't. I don't give a fuck because I want _you_ and you want me to. Don't fucking lie to me Remus, don't treat me like a child. Tell me. Tell me you do "

" Nymphadora you know I do but we _can't-_ "

" Remus you are not the wolf! You are not. When will you realise that. Do you really think if it bothered me I'd have stuck around you? Kissed you? Sat and healed you afterwards? Made love to you for fucks sake? " he flinched at her words, his face a picture of pure embarrassment and shame " you are not the wolf "

" Yes I am! He's a part of me he's lives _in_ me Nymphadora " she took a step back as he seemed to reach the end of his patience, the last full moon was still barely 24 hours ago. He as on edge. Agitated. His patience much shorter than normal. But part of her liked that, because she had almost been itching for him to burst. To finally yell and scream and get everything out in the open instead of being so calm and composed and keeping everything to himself.   
She watched as he pointed his finger harshly at his chest and she shook her head, grabbing at his hands

" he lives in me. In here. He is me "

"No! No he doesn't. He's in here " she held onto his face and tapped at his forehead " he's in your head and you are brave to be strong enough to keep him locked away in there every single day Remus, you don't give in like Greyback and let him control you. You fight him. You fight every day just _so_ that he doesn't get in there " she pointed back to his chest and held her palm flat to where she imagined his heart to be beating away " your heart. It's pure. And kind. Your curse doesn't even touch it. Your heart, it's whole and human. And it loves me. I know it does Remus "

she had never been more certain of anything else in her entire life. Remus loved her, he didn't need to say it to show it. He was just too scared to admit it to her. He almost looked as if he was about to agree with her, his face softening for a short moment before going stony again and he pushed her hands away.

" you don't know me Nymphadora. You don't know what I'm capable of. I could hurt you "

" you'd never hurt me Remus. You'd never hurt me and I know it "

" you don't know that!" He shouted again but now she felt compelled not to match his anger. Because he was usually the calm one and she was the feisty one. They balanced each other out, she guessed she had to be the calm now.

" stop talking as if you are that thing in your head Remus. You are not. Him "

" yes. I. Am! " she still refused to match his anger and tried to keep herself calm though her heart felt as if it was shattering into a million pieces.

" so tell me then Remus. Is it the wolf that sits and listens to me ramble on about nonsense from work for hours without a single complaint? Is it the wolf that waits up for me when I have a late mission or a late shift at work? Is it him that offers me his jacket when it's cold? Shares his tea with me? Makes sure I eat after a busy day? Kisses me like I'm the only person in the entire world? Tell me because now I'm very bloody curious on your answer " he opened his mouth but no sound came out and he simply turned away from her.

" I'm done with this conversation Nymphadora. No matter how much you or I want this to end happily it never can. It never will. I refuse to be responsible for causing a successful, strongyoung woman to become an outcast...or end up dead because of me "

" so you do want it to end happily? " she said pulling out the only semi positive piece he had spoken. He sighed again, running his hands through his hair in a way that made him look mildly manic.

" this conversation is over Nymphadora. I'm leaving. This is over. We. Are over. I'll make arrangements for our order assignments to be separated. We are colleagues and that's the end " he left her flat then before she could try to stop him. and she made no attempts to. She knew he was lying. It was clear as day to see. But constantly arguing in circles wasn't getting them anywhere. She knew now that she simply needed patience and she clawed at the depths of herself to muster all the patience she could. Because she was prepared to wait. She would wait an entire lifetime and more for him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't really like this chapter but I hope you do? 
> 
> And happy new year everyone! I hope this year is better to you than the last


	10. The sky and the sea

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> dora pays a visit to her parents

Remus had been true to his word.

He had all but cut himself right out of Nymphadoras life. Any and all order assignments that they had been on together had been altered, which Mad-eye had had an almighty moan about, and now she was paired with anyone but Remus.

She barely saw him whenever she was at Grimmauld place either. He would sit as far away as possible from her in meetings and leave as soon as it came to a close, locking himself in the library and only coming out when she had left according to Sirius.

At first she had made a point to try and talk to him, or stay over at Grimmauld just to see if he would really stay in the library all night. But it was futile. He left a room if she walked in and saw her there, didn't say hello back when she greeted him, looked as if he had seen a ghost if he entered a room and saw her there.

He'd even simply just disapparated when he clearly hadn't heard her enter the house and she had walked in on him talking to Sirius.

And she hated it. Because the switch had flipped so suddenly and so dramatically. She had gotten used to having him around, even before she started having feelings for him. They had been practically inseparable since she'd gone crashing into him.

And now he was just.... gone.

At first Sirius had seemed happy to have his friend back all to himself again, but had soon come round to see how miserable both Tonks and Remus were now. There was no one on the planet that was more for Remus and Nymphadora being together. Because, yes he was a jealous prick sometimes, but he just wanted Remus happy. And Nymphadora too.

He had told her he'd tried to talk to him but as always with Remus, it was like talking to a brick wall when he was in a mood. You could get more of a conversation out of Buckbeak- and Sirius would know.

Deep down she had a feeling that he would come back around to her sooner or later. But he was stubborn, as stubborn as her even, so she was starting to wonder if he actually ever would. It had been a good 3 weeks since he'd ended things, since she'd promised herself to be patient and wait. But her patience was reaching its end already.

" cheer up Tonksie. We can always find you another werewolf to fall in love with. Is it only werewolves you're into? Because I did used to know a couple of banshees. Oh and some centaurs if that's you're thing too? "

" piss off Sirius " he walked over to sit beside her at the table as she tried to stay focussed on her report, she should of known it was a bad idea to try and write it in Grimmauld place. Far too many distractions " seriously, Dawlish is up my arse about all the reports I'm behind on I don't need you in here distracting me "

" sorry sorry. Bad joke? I'll be quiet... drink? " she lifted her head and raised an eyebrow at him as he waved a bottle of fire whiskey at her. Molly had started hiding it from him, but he always seemed to have a bottle around him and she wondered if Molly knew. Maybe she was starting to see that it was in fact futile.

" it's 11 o'clock in the morni- fuck it get me a glass " she said with a sigh and dropped her quill onto the table, rubbing her hands at her constantly tired eyes. The double life was getting to her again now that the ministry was upping its raids. She practically lived at the ministry. Dozens of arrests were happening everyday and there was chatter amongst Aurors and the wizengamot alike that there were talks of a muggleborn registration programme being imposed. Which was not good. At all.

" how many arrests last night? " Sirius asked as he pushed a glass over to her.

" just two. They'll be released in a day or two though, absolutely nothing criminal about them at all. It's getting ridiculous now " tensions inside the ministry were growing stronger with every day that passed. It was almost certain that Voldemort had people on the inside and people were turning on each other. Barely an ounce of trust was left between some people. And more and more innocent people were being arrested.

If the talks about the muggleborn registration were true, she was certain all that tension would simply implode. Blood status had always been prominent in wizarding society. Even if you didn't care about it, it was still there. Still talked about. Still used as a way of making others feel inferior. There were barely any pureblood wizards and witches left, almost every one was half blood or less these days. Magical blood had been mixing with muggle blood for so long and it didn't make anyone any less powerful or worthy.

Pureblood didn't equal power and muggle blood didn't equal weakness.

It was prehistoric thinking. It was dangerous thinking. If that registration programme got the go ahead it had to mean death eaters were in the ministry, had to. And that was not good. Not fucking good at all, because people trusted the ministry. They believed what they said.

If the ministry started bashing muggleborns then others would follow suit, Voldemort would get what he wanted. Followers. Power. It made her feel sick with nerves just to think about it.

She downed her whiskey in one gulp and Sirius went to refill the glass again, but she placed her hand over the top " no no. Supposed to be seeing my parents today I can't exactly turn up plastered can I " she almost wanted to stay and drink the day away with Sirius. At least then she wouldn't have to go to her parents and pretend she was fine.

" oh. can I come? Haven't seen Andy in so long " she sighed and turned to face him with a sympathetic smile. The hopeful look on his face was almost heart breaking.

" you know you can't "

" I'll go as padfoot. No one will know. Tonks I have to get out of this damned house. I'm losing my mind in here " she felt sorry for him, she really did. It couldn't be nice having been trapped in Azkaban for all those years, to then be trapped in the home of your abusive mother right after. And she knew how close Sirius had been with her mum, she wished she could take him along too. But it was far too dangerous.

She almost didn't blame him for turning to alcohol. In the same way she didn't blame Remus for smoking. Anything for a distraction from their own thoughts.

" you can't. It's not safe. I'll tell her you asked after her though. I'll tell her you're still alive and kicking "

" why not bring them here one day? They could be a real use to the order. Andy knows death eaters just as well as me and- "

" absolutely fucking not " she said with a frown. Her parents didn't even know what the order was really, didn't know how much danger she was constantly in. She wasn't going to put them in the firing line that being in the order signed you up for. Her mum was already at risk because Bellatrix would always be out for her blood, probably Narcissa too. And her dad? It was a really shitty time to be a muggleborn wizard, she wasn't about to make him known to the world. She might as well wack a bloody great target on both their heads.

" they don't have to fight. But they could help- "

" no. It's too dangerous. It's a shitty time to be a Black. And a shitty time to be a muggleborn. Absolutely no way am I getting them inducted. Over my dead body " Sirius raised his hands in surrender and knocked back his drink.

" sorry. Sorry and honestly? When is it not a shitty time to be a Black? " she gave a small smile and shrugged. Being a Black had once been a powerful position to be in every possible way. It still was really, but only amongst the right circles. And those Circles were all but exclusively on the wrong side of the law now.

Well the right and wrong side of the law we're starting to blur in the middle. So it was all a little hazy.

Either way. It still wasn't a fantastic time to be a Black. Especially not the sister of one of the most notorious death eaters ever known.

" I'm keeping them as far away as possible from the order. And the war. Bellatrix would kill my mum on sight. And my dads a muggleborn... it's not safe. It's not " Sirius nodded and poured himself another glass of whiskey, knocking it back in one.

" she is technically a Tonks now though "

" no Sirius. End of discussion " he raised his hands in defence again and leant back in his chair. It didn't matter that Andromeda was now a Tonks. She would always be linked to Bellatrix. And Narcissa. She wasn't entirely sure on Narcissas standing with the death eaters. But even if she wasn't one herself, she was married to one. Which was just as bad.

Sirius opened his mouth as if to say something else but his eyes travelled over to the doorway.

" oh. Alright moony? " she looked up towards the door where Remus seemed to have just appeared and was stood a little awkwardly.

" I'll go. Sorry " he said but she jumped to her feet before he could take another step.

" don't bother. I'm off anyway. Stickler for time keeping my mum and I said I'd be there for lunch " Remus gave a small nod and watched her as she tapped the papers of her report against the table to get them neat, folded them up and then shoved them into the back pocket of her jeans.

" someone get me a jacket would you? " Sirius said and leant his chair back onto two legs, swilling his whiskey around in his glass.

" are you drunk already? " Tonks asked with a raise of her eyebrow.

" no. But the frost between you too is absolutely bone chilling " she rolled her eyes and flipped him off for good measure before heading for the door, doing an awkward side step past Remus who refused to even look at her. She almost wanted to grab him and make him look at her, to stop his ridiculous awkwardness. He was ridiculous " tell Andy I said hi! " Sirius called after her as she left.

She made it to the top of the stairs, side stepping kreacher as he shuffled his way towards Walburga with a cloth in his hand, before grabbing her jacket from the coat stand.

She wandered what Remus was hoping to get out of ignoring her. Was he expecting her to just accept it and move on? If he was then he didn't really know her at all. Rock up at Grimmauld with a new boyfriend? Maybe in another situation she actually would have, just to make him jealous. She'd been guilty of doing it in the past. But that felt entirely too childish, immature, for how she was now.

She was much more mature now. Because people were taking her seriously for once. Remus took her seriously. Well. He had. Until he'd started ignoring her. Maybe she should move on, try and find someone new to take her mind off of him. He clearly was. But she didn't know if she could, she'd never fallen quite so hard for someone before.

She then heard a small clearing of a throat behind her and she turned to see Remus, his hands shoved into his pockets. Normally she'd have found that unbelievably attractive, She wasn't even certain why but _Merlin_ did he make it look good. But she had to remind herself that she couldn't think like that anymore. Because he wasn't hers anymore.

" alright? " she asked, not sure what else to really say to him in some attempt at remaining casual.

" I just. I just wanted to apologise to you. I meant what I said to you when I said I wanted to still be your friend. It's uncomfortable for the both us stepping around each other like we are now " she folded her arms over her chest and raised an eyebrow at him. He couldn't be serious. Did he really have the nerve to talk to _her_ about making things uncomfortable? _Really?_

" forgive me but aren't you the one that's been avoiding me for weeks? I mean do correct me if I'm wrong Remus. But aren't you the only one here making things uncomfortable? "

" yes. Yes you're right. I'm sorry. But I would... if you would also... like us to go back to friends at least " she was almost tempted to tell him to do one, that he'd ruined any chance of that. But she couldn't find it in her to do it. Because she missed him. She was pissed at him, yes, but she missed him being around. And she really wasn't in the mood to argue either.

" yeah. Alright. That'd be nice " she was quite curious to see how less awkward he would be. To see if it really could go back to how it had been in those first few months. he smiled and gave her a small nod.

" good.... well. Enjoy your time with your parents " he turned and went to go back down the stairs before stopping and turning back to her " I heard Charlie is home soon. Will you be seeing him? " she frowned and noticed he wasn't meeting her eyes.

Why had he brought up Charlie?

" probably... Molly mentioned a little get together to welcome him home. He's only back for the weekend though it's a bit pointless. why? " he gave a small shrug of his shoulders. Was he trying to suggest that she and Charlie try things again? Was he trying to get her to move on? With _Charlie?_

" I was just curious "

" there's nothing going on there. With me and Charlie "

" I know " he turned back to the stairs again and went back down to the kitchen without another word. He was behaving oddly, but then again he'd been behaving oddly ever since he'd turned up at her flat.

She was half tempted to run down the stairs and demand he explain why he was being so weird. But she didn't want to be late to her parents. So she simply tried to shake it off and left the gloom of Grimmauld place.

She apparated into the small village that her parents lived in right from the steps of number 12, almost getting caught by two muggles who rounded the corner only seconds after she'd arrived. She'd tried to dress more muggle for her visit but they still gave an odd look to her as they passed. She made a quit exit before someone questioned why a strange girl was loitering in an alleyway.

The clock in the town centre was chiming and she realised she wasn't as late as she'd thought. But she was still late.

Her parents home was on the outskirts of the village. It was a very small village, the kind that had only one shop, a post office, a primary school and that was about it. It was so quintessentially British. Their house itself was beautiful, she'd never really appreciated it much as a child. But it really was. Surrounded by rolling fields and a giant garden that she had taken great joy in rolling around in the mud as a child. She'd charged around this entire village as a child, played around with the kids until she'd started showing her magic. Then her parents had decided it best she stay away from them. Just in case.

She could see herself in a place like this when she was older. She adored London, loved the hustle and bustle and the lights and the noise. Even the smell. But maybe some time in the future she'd fancy a change. Her mum loved it out in the open, maybe she would too one day.

She walked through the village and tried to envision her own future in some place similar. looking at the little families, the kids riding in the road on their little bikes, if she thought hard enough she could see it for herself. She didn't want kids, she was quite certain on that. But maybe she could have a cat. Or more owls. Maybe even a dog. And she'd keep working as an auror until she got too old and then maybe she'd train up Aurors like mad-eye did. Maybe Remus would get his job back at Hogwarts, and they'd spend their weekend's together, he'd laugh at her awful cooking and fix it for her and she'd help him make their garden nice and they'd just be happy old people, grumbling about the neighbours cat for pissing on their lawn or other unimportant things.

She'd stopped in her tracks when she realised Remus was apart of her future visions. They weren't even together yet she was picturing the pair of them growing old together with a bloody cat. And an annoying neighbours cat too.

" muuum! There's a weird girl staring at me! " she blinked to see she had in fact stopped dead in front of someone's garden, where a little girl was having a tea party with her dolls. She quickly hurried down the street. Remus wasn't even there, wasn't even in a relationship with her and she was getting distracted by him.

She made it to her parents house, pausing at the front gate. The garden was immaculate as always, rows of neatly trimmed rose bushes and flower beds filled with geraniums and hyacinths, vines of ivy creeping up the grey brick walls that too were neatly trimmed as not to go over the windows. She hadn't been back in quite a while. But it hadn't changed a bit.

She knocked on the door and rapped the door knocker just for good measure, watching a butterfly land on one of the roses. She'd had a period of time as a child where she'd been obsessed with finding butterfly's and making her hair the same colour as their wings.

The door swung open after a moment and there stood Ted Tonks, looking as cheerful as ever. Her dad was rarely sad, he seemed to permanently have a smile on his face. He was almost unbearably optimistic sometimes and could find the light in every situation. A kindness like that was rare to find her mum had told her before.

" darling! Your mum was starting to think you'd got lost! " he pulled her in for a hug which she happily returned, unable to stop the smile stretching over her face. His hugs felt like home.

" you're too trusting you know " she said as form of greeting, slipping off her jacket and hanging it up on the pegs by the door " you have to be careful right now. I told you, didn't check it was me did you " he sighed and ruffled her hair in the way he'd always done.

" I know my own daughter "

" you think you do, anyone can look like me " she countered, flattening her hair back down again.

" fine. What colour did you accidentally turn your dear old mums hair in the summer of your 4th year "

" green " she said with a small smile, remembering the day she'd done it. She was certain her mum almost murdered her that day. It had been stuck that way for hours.

" see! Told you I know my daughter " she rolled her eyes and pulled her dad back in for a hug.

" where is she anyway? My _dear old mum_ " she said mimicking her fathers words, already knowing she could probably hear them. She always did love winding up her mum.

" less of the old " she appeared in the doorway to the kitchen looking as regal as ever. Sometimes she questioned how on Earth she was related to Andromeda, never mind being her daughter. She was so pristine and perfect. She still had that pure blood accent lingering in her words, the accent of an impeccably upper class upbringing. Though it was fading over the years, it only came out really when she was angry now.

" alright mum? " she gave her a smile and walked over to hug her too. She would hate to admit it sometimes, but she always felt safe in her mums arms. Even if her hugs didn't always hold as much warmth as her dads, she still felt safe. Because she knew she was the real apple of her mums eye, knew that even though she annoyed her half of the time, she was her pride and joy.

" I will be if you two stop calling me old " she said as Dora took a step back " let me look at you " she said and held her at arms length with a smile. She raised a hand and tucked a strand of her blue hair behind her ear " you look tired darling. Have you been sleeping enough? eating? "

" yeah. Just a lot of late nights at work" Ted wrapped his arm around his wife's shoulders and pressed a kiss to the side of head " don't have to fuss " she looked at how her dad looked at her mum and she desperately wanted someone to look at her like that. She wanted Remus to look at her like that.

There she went thinking about him again.

" Come on, hungry darling? Almost finished up some sandwiches. That's alright isn't it? " her mum asked and headed back into the kitchen but before Dora could follow her, Ted grabbed her hand.

" is everything really alright? You don't seem yourself " he always had been better at reading her than Andromeda had, but then again she'd never really been very good at hiding her feelings and emotions. She'd only been in the house barely a minute and already he was sensing something was off about her.

" I'm fine. Just dead tired " he didn't seem to believe her.

" you can talk to me love. You know you can " he stepped closer to her and nudged her with his arm, a smile on his face " I won't tell your mum. I can keep a secret. Aye? " she rolled her eyes and nudged him back.

" Okay.... I'll tell you....I'm absolutely bloody knackered dad. Seriously. No secrets here, not lying " he still didn't seem convinced by her, looked almost determined to her it out of her.

" lunch is ready " Andromeda popped her head around the door into the hall. She was actually thankful for her mother interrupting them. She didn't really want to talk about it just yet. So she went into the kitchen where her mum had placed three plates of sandwiches down at the table.

" oh I have a surprise for you. Should cheer you up a bit " Ted said before they could sit at the table and hurried out of the room. She looked over at her mum with a questioning look. She simply shook her head with a small smile. He came hurrying back with a weird little contraption in his hand and gave it to her with a flourish, a proud look on his face. She took it with a smile, turning it around in her hands.

" Merlins balls! It's brilliant! " she exclaimed and looked at the strange object a little closer, pressing buttons and frowning curiously as a part of it opened " what is it!? " Ted started laughing at her and picked up the thing from her hands.

" it's a cassette player, it plays cassettes. They have music on them. I found it in some of your grandma Tonks old things. I thought you'd like it, so you can take music around with you " he handed her what she assumed was a cassette and she shook it around a little before twisting at the little plastic pieces and fiddling with the tape inside " no! No no don't do that that'll break it " he said with a chuckle and plucked it from her again.

" okay okay. You can look at it later. Get some food into you, you look starved Nymphadora " she reluctantly put the cassette player down and picked up a sandwich, taking a big bite to please her mum. And she was starving.

" how are things with work love? " her dad asked after a few minutes of silent eating.

" busy. Umbridge is still sticking her nose in werewolf business, new laws every blood day. New raids every night. Muggleborn registration is looking more likely too. So you need to be safe dad "

" are you staying safe? More people are appearing in the prophet Nymphadora, I don't want your name in there " she said with a grave tone in her voice, referencing the ever growing lost of missing people.

" she's fine Dromeda. She's a smart girl. She knows how to look after herself " the way he said it and the look he gave her told her that he knew she wasn't being totally honest. He knew she was putting herself in danger, probably even knew she was doing something towards the war effort. But he had been honest when he said he could keep a secret from her mum if he had too. He wouldn't worry her. 

" and how are things away from work? Do you have a boyfriend yet? A girlfriend? " Andromeda said, trying to give a perkier tone to her voice. That almost made Dora think she absolutely knew she was in more danger than she was saying too.

" mum " she groaned and looked down at her plate, shoving the rest of her sandwich into her mouth and almost choking on a chunk of tomato in the process.

" what? Is it really a crime to want my daughter happy? I was already married _and_ had had you by the time I was your age Nymphadora " she rolled her eyes and did dither on telling them about Remus for a moment. She didn't have to go into details. And maybe some advice would be welcomed. The truth definitely wasn't an option though.

' yeah I'm actually in love with someone but he broke up with me cause he thinks he's not good enough for me because surprise! He's actually a werewolf? Neat huh?' Absolutely fucking not.

" told you already you're never getting a kid outta me if that's what you're getting at. Sorry to say but the Tonks line will die with me. How noble! "

" must you be so morbid Nymphadora really " she tutted " is there really no one? " Dora sighed and placed her food down.

" well... sort of. But not really... it's complicated mum " she said and picked at her sandwich some more.

" complicated how? " she sighed and ran her hands over her face. She didn't know why she'd let herself get pulled into this conversation. But maybe it would settle her mums interest on her need for her only daughter to get married off for a while.

" he's scared... we broke up because he's scared... he's. He's not well and he's embarrassed. But I told him I don't give a flying fuck- "

" language Nymphadora "

" - about it. I really don't.... I love him. I do. It's terrifying. He loves me too. But he's a bloody fool sometimes " it actually felt nice to be able to get it off of her chest to someone other than Sirius. Even if she was having to withhold some information.

" he's told you he loves you? "

" well no. But. He doesn't have to. I know. But he's trying to push me away, he makes me so angry sometimes because he doesn't realise how deserving he really is "

" sounds shockingly familiar " Ted said and reached for Andromeda's hand, squeezing it softly " if two people are really meant for each other then they'll find there way back to each other in the end love " she looked between her parents again, almost longing for something like they had.

The most annoying part was that she really could see a future with Remus, but he didn't seem to see one with her.

" just do what makes you happy Nymphadora. We will be happy as long as you are " she wondered if her mum would say the same if she knew it was a lycanthrope her daughter was in love with. She had the feeling her dad would come round to the idea as long as he knew she was safe. But her mum was another story.

She'd always been fiercely over protecting of her. And even though her mum was nothing like the rest of the Blacks, she still had a certain mind set on some things that Dora didn't think would ever leave her.

They finished their sandwiches thankfully avoiding anymore conversation of her love life. She then sat with her dad for a while as he showed her how to use the cassette player without messing up the tapes, each sharing a earphone. but the topic of her relationships soon reappeared. And maybe she had been very mistaken in thinking mentioning she wasn't a complete loner would satisfy her parents. It seemed to have just made them more interested.

" so this bloke of yours " Ted said as he shuffled through a huge box of cassette tapes " what's his name? "

" he's not my bloke dad " she said, picking up a tape from the box and started examining it " Remus. He's called Remus" Ted nodded and placed a tape into the player and pressed play.

" you said he's not well? " a voice she recognised as Bowie started playing in her ear. She debated just telling him. Because she might not ever get to be with Remus again. So it wouldn't really matter.

" he's not " her dad looked up for a moment before whispering _muffiliato_ and nudging her.

" come on then. Tell your dad " she chewed on her bottom lip nervously before sighing. Maybe she should just bite the bullet. They weren't together now, so maybe it was a better time than any to test the waters. What was he going to do? Force them to break up? They weren't even a couple.

" don't freak out yeah? " he drew a cross over his heart " he er. Let's say he suffers with... well. But if an allergy. Kind of "

" allergies? Like my bloody hay fever? Blimey that's no excuse " she sighed and scratched at her head

" yeah well it's a bit more complex than hay fever dad. It's an allergy to well. The moon?.... Its Lycanthropy " Ted froze his searching through the box and turned to look at her, as if to see if she was joking or not.

" now tell me the truth "

" I am. He was bitten as a child... don't give me that look. He's never hurt me dad. He never would. He goes away on full moons " he turned fully to face her, pulling the earphones from their ears.

" you never could pick the easy option could you love? Couldn't marry some nice boring wizard or witch aye? " he gave her a small nudge again, she had been right. He didn't seem too bothered. She knew he was. But he wasn't showing it. Her mother definitely would.

" the boring life isn't for me "

" I know. I've always known that.... I can see why he would be afraid to engage in any relationship with you now. But at least he seems to have some sense. That he would take a step back "

" but I don't want him to step back dad... I love him. I do. A lot " he reached over and grabbed one of her hands in both of his and nodded.

" then let nature take its course and if you are meant to be together. You will.... just stay safe Dora. Please. If anything were to happen to you- "

" I know. I am. Promise "

She found herself alone with her mum later in the day, as she was preparing to leave and the topic of her love life was again brought up. But in a much less carefree way than it had been with her dad.

" I know you don't like my advise Nymphadora, you never have. But for once will you please listen to me when I tell you this? " Andromeda said and placed a hand to her daughters shoulder as she came to stand beside her, handing her her jacket, as her dad packed up all the cassettes he had found for her " if anyone knows anything about fighting for the person you love... it's me. You really love this man? Truly? "

She sighed, knowing she couldn't escape this conversation yet and it was probably best to just get it over and done with.

" yes mum. So much it's fucking scary " her mum bristled slightly at her choice of language but didn't say anything.

" and he loves you? " she nodded " then you fight for him Nymphadora. You fight. You said it yourself, it's scary. And from what you've said, he is as scared as you are. But if he really loves you. And you really love him. Things will work out in the end " she didn't quite believe her but nodded again, she knew her tone would change if she knew the truth. She would never be so laid back as her dad. And she wasn't even certain her dad had been totally honest " the amount of times I tried to push your father away, because I was scared too. Even though I loved him. Your father was right, if two people are meant to be together they'll find each other in the end "

" he's just stubborn "

" as are you " she laughed slightly, because she agreed. They were both stubborn. Him maybe more so than her.

" we're very different people. But we want the same things really. He's scared... I'm bloody scared mum "

" I know... but look at it this way. some loves are like the sky and sea. They're very different. But also so similar. They're so close yet they'll never seem to meet, people think that they'll never be together. But tell me this, Nymphadora, when you look out to the sea. What do you see too?... you see the sky. People think that they're never going to be together. Yet, they always are. You are simply the sky, you are free and open and you cast a light where you go. He is the sea, he's darker, holds more mysteries, but some things inside the sea can not survive without the light from the sky.... Does that make sense? " her mother had always been one for the philosophical route to an issue. And Nymphadora had never really paid her any attention. But for once in her life, she actually understood what her mum was trying to tell her.

She was unbelievably angry with Remus Lupin, so much so that she couldn't put it into words. But no matter how much she tried to hate him, she couldn't. Her heart belonged to him. Her soul too. So if she was the sky, then he most definitely was the sea.

++++

" you can't avoid her forever you know" Sirius said as Tonks went up the stairs and out of the kitchen " one of you will snap sooner or later " he knew he was right. Avoiding her really wasn't the best thing to do, but it was easier than trying to be normal around her " Charlie's coming back you know, I heard Molly talking about trying to set her and Charlie up again "

He was shocked to find jealousy bubbling inside him at the thought of that. He internally scolded himself because he didn't have any place to be jealous of who Tonks may or may not be set up with now. He'd brought that upon himself.

" go talk to her. Before she leaves. Go on. Because if you leave things like this she might just let Molly set her up. And then she'll be gone. And I know that's not what you want no matter how much you try to act like it is mate " the way Sirius was speaking to him made him feel a bit like a child. And he had also told him that he wanted Tonks to move on. Wanted her to leave her feelings for him in the past. So he was surprised when he found his feet taking him up the stairs.

She was rummaging around in the coat stand and pulling on her jacket when he made it to the top of the steep stairs. He cleared his throat, already feeling the almost unbearable tension between them. the tension he'd created.

" alright? " she asked, not looking him in the eye, her dark blue hair falling slightly in her face. He knew what he had to say to her, though he wasn't sure any apology would be able to fix what he had done. Maybe he'd pushed them past the point of no return. Which is what he had decided was right, even if it wasn't quite what he wanted.

" I just. I just wanted to apologise to you. I meant what I said to you when I said I wanted to still be your friend. It's uncomfortable for the both us stepping around each other like we are now " she folded her arms over her chest and raised an eyebrow at him, clearly not buying what he was saying. He didn't blame her. To say he was sending her mixed signals was an understatement.

" forgive me but aren't you the one that's been avoiding me for weeks? I mean do correct me if I'm wrong Remus. But arent you the only one here making things uncomfortable? " well that was the truth, he had wildly contradicted himself. He had said he wanted to stay friends with her, but hadn't made any attempt to do so. In fact he'd made every attempt not to.

" yes. Yes you're right. I'm sorry. But I would... if you would also... like us to go back to friends at least " she looked like she was itching to argue with him, wanting to march over to him and yell at him like she had done that night down in the kitchen. He almost wished she would. At least then he'd have an excuse to be close to her again, she had a habit of grabbing at him when she was angry. But maybe that was selfish of him.

He waited for her to yell. But she didn't.

" yeah. Alright. That'd be nice " he gave her a smile and a small nod, at least now the tension would hopefully leave. And he could happily enjoy being around her again, but keep himself a little more in control like he should have done from the start. They were colleagues. _Friends._ Just friends.

" good.... well. Enjoy your time with your parents " she looked quite eager to leave so he turned to head back to the kitchen but paused " I heard Charlie is home soon. Will you be seeing him? " he avoided looking her in the eyes. Almost scared of her answer. Why had he even asked.

" probably... Molly mentioned a little get together to welcome him home. He's only back for the weekend though it's a bit pointless. why? " he gave a small shrug of his shoulders. He didn't know what he was getting at really. He almost wanted to prompt her to try things with Charlie again. To be with someone who deserved her, could look after her properly and keep her safe and stable.

But he also wanted to beg her not to go to the party and risk falling back in love with her ex.

" I was just curious " he lied.

" there's nothing going on there. With me and Charlie "

" I know " he turned back to the stairs again and went back down to the kitchen before she could say anything else. He didn't know why he'd brought it up.

Sirius was still there of course, nursing another class of fire whiskey.

" sorted? "

" yes. I think so. We agreed to be friends" he scoffed at that and pushed a glass over to Remus as he sat down.

" once they're in this deep with you there's no going back to friends. Trust me I know " Remus frowned and grabbed yesterday's edition of the prophet from the end of the table, planning to attempt a finish at the crossword. Anything to not have to get into any unsavoury conversation with Sirius or think about Nymphadora.

" ' they ' have a name. Please use it, it sounds as if you're referring to a dog or something "

" sensitive are we? Sorry. _Tonks._ Or it's Dora to you isn't it? "

" what is this point you are trying to make Sirius? " he said and looked up from the paper. Sirius shrugged.

" I'm trying to say it's pointless trying to be friends with someone that you are in love with. You should already know that " he grabbed the glass Sirius had given him and downed it, not enjoying the direction this conversation was heading.

" it works for us. There is no difference this time around "

" ah, but we are no longer in love, so it's easy. You're in love with Tonksie. There's a difference "

" what are you getting at for Merlins sake " he shrugged

" trying to put the similarities and differences together. Do you see any?" Remus froze and his eyes darted up to look at him

" I don't know "

" think "

" no. My feelings for Nymphadora... they're not the same. You and I, it was a mess. It was messy. how could you expect me to love you after what you did. After what we did to each other. We had no trust. Not an ounce. You didn't trust me... Sirius we've already discussed this. This is nothing to do with Nymphadora "

" I know. There's your differences. Learn from them" he caught Sirius' eye, he was watching him carefully over the rim of his glass " you're unbelievably shit at communication Remus, that's one of the reasons it was a mess. So learn from that.... tell me now, honestly, do you love her "

" yes " he said without even needing to think about it for a second, the words leaving his mouth before he could stop himself.

" say it then "

" I can't "

" you can "

" I _cant "_ he stood up from the table and ran a hand through his hair. He didn't want to talk about it. Didn't want to have to explain it. Didn't want to have to delve back into the history of their relationship and that word, or lack there of, or delve into his current one with Nymphadora. Not now. Not ever if he could help it.

" they're just words. Or don't you mean them? why say them if you don't mean them. Right moons? " he was pushing him, goading him, prodding at him for a reaction. He knew his tactics too well.

" Sirius. Stop "

" I won't... because I won't sit and watch you throw away something that made you happy. I wont watch you throw away the only person you've ever really loved because you're scared " Sirius stood up then, walking around the table to stand in front of him " because she is isn't she. Come on moony, you can say it you're no coward "

" I am " he whispered, closing his eyes and slumping back down into his chair. He felt quite sick. It was too much, all far too much. Too overwhelming. He had thought he was doing the right thing by ending things with her, by trying to push her away. But it had only made him feel worse. Because quite frankly the thought of her moving on and falling in love with someone else felt like a fate worse than death for him. Which was selfish. So unbelievably selfish.

Charlie was home today. She had loved Charlie once, still did in a way. And if Sirius was right that Molly was planning to play match maker, which was probably true, she could have a chance with someone who really deserved her. It didn't matter if he loved her or not.

" you're not. But I've told you before. We're in a war Remus, you need to grab life by the balls right now. Cause either one of us could be dead tomorrow. You love her and you need to tell her because she won't wait forever. Especially if you keep pushing her away. Let yourself be loved. You've closed yourself off for far too long now " he sat down beside him and placed a hand on his shoulder.

" I'm scared " he said honestly, past the point now of trying to lie to Sirius.

" I know mate. I know... but I hate to break it to you. But falling in love is scary. Some people just hide it better than others do " he felt as if he was hinting at himself with that one, but of course Remus knew that Sirius had been scared. Maybe they understood each other more then he realised.

" she doesn't seem scared "

" because she's Tonks. She likes to act as if she's all big and mighty and nothing scares her. But I can guarantee you she's scared too. Granted I doubt it's as much as you. But still, the point stands " he still felt conflicted. Still unsure on whether he should listen to his head or his heart. Or simply ignore them both

" getting a bit depressing this is. Another drink? " Sirius asked and reached the table for the bottle, ignoring his glass this time and taking a big swig before othering it to Remus.

" absolutely " he took the bottle from his friends hands and took a large gulp. It burnt his throat on the way down but it was a welcomed distraction. He was more confused than ever.


	11. Scattered minds

Remus had managed to avoid most of the preparations for Charlie's party, making an excuse to molly that he had an important report to finish so he couldn't possibly assist her with balloons. Mainly because he didn't want to listen to her prattle on about how much she was hoping Nymphadora made an effort. Or Charlie spoke about anything other than dragons to her.

He was dreading the entire thing. He was curious to see if she would really try and set Nymphadora and Charlie up, to see if Nymphadora would let her. But also really didn't want to see it if it did happen. So he avoided molly as much as he could.

But he couldn't avoid her or the party any longer when the entire Weasley clan arrived at Grimmauld place, including Charlie. Sirius had suggested they have his welcome home shindig at number 12 as it was bigger than the burrow. But Remus knew he just wanted an excuse to have a party. He hadn't changed.

Charlie seemed a bit overwhelmed with everything, telling his mum that she shouldn't have made such a fuss for a weekend visit. But Molly was elated, forcing piles of cakes and pasties at him and telling him to eat because he was looking a little peaky.

From what he could tell from a distance Charlie was quite different to Nymphadora. He didn't seem as brash and loud, not as confident. But maybe it was because the Weasleys were all quite loud and even for a family member it must get a little overpowering sometimes. Charlie reminded him much of himself actually.

He wondered how the pair had become friends after clearly being quite different. But then again, he himself had become friends with Nymphadora. She seemed able to befriend just about anyone.

Remus felt a little awkward and out of place at the party, maybe as much as Charlie did. He didn't really know Charlie. He'd met him once or twice when he was very young, when Molly and Arthur had brought the kids along to first order of the Phoenix meetings. He'd said a hello and shook his hand when he'd arrived but now he was sat in the corner of the kitchen with Sirius. Simply observing, only there because Molly had almost begged him to be and he felt rude to say no.

So he was sat in a near silence with Sirius as the party went on in front of them. waiting for Nymphadora too he guessed. Molly had already slipped into conversation with Charlie that she was coming and that she was single. Charlie didn't seem very interested at all, quite happy to try and show her all of his pictures of the dragons we was taking care of. But Molly was still trying. If it was hopeless.

He hoped it was hopeless.

He then heard the sound of the front door opening and a pair of feet rushing along the corridor, then a crash.

" fucking buggering fuck! Oh piss off Walburga! " Remus heard from upstairs, closely followed by Walburga screeching. No one seemed to have heard her arrive, his sharp ears had seemed to have been the only to pick up on Nymphadoras noisy arrival over the music " shut. Up you old bag! "

" Nymphadoras here " he said to Sirius and knocked back the last of the whiskey in his glass. There was some more clambering around upstairs and he was quite certain he heard her toss a few choice words at kreacher too. Still no one else seemed to have heard her arrive.

She appeared in the doorway a few moments later and squealed, throwing her hands in the air at the sight of Charlie. She ran at him, jumping up into his arms and wrapping herself around him, knocking his handful of photos to the floor in the process. She was still squealing in joy as she hugged him and Charlie too had a look of utter joy on his face, not even caring about his photos.

Anyone would think they were a couple. They looked like one.

Remus was mildly surprised to feel the intense burn of jealousy start bubbling in the pit of his stomach again. Molly was looking at her son and Nymphadora expectantly and Remus knew she was still hoping they'd keep up their closeness for the rest of the evening.

" merlin I missed you " Charlie said as she jumped down and simply hugged him again. He'd only seen pictures of them together when they were a little younger. But they looked remarkably good together now.

She hadn't even looked over at Sirius or Remus yet. Completely engrossed in Charlie. He shouldn't be jealous, they hadn't seen each other for a long time. They were friends. And even if they weren't, he didn't have a right to be jealous. He had to remind himself again.

" grip your glass any tighter and you'll break it mate " Sirius said, from across the table, nodding at the glass that was gripped in his hand. His knuckles had turned white around it. He let go and held his hands in his lap instead.

Molly was talking to both Charlie and Nymphadora now, but Remus didn't want to listen to the conversation. He tuned it out. He didn't want to hear Molly try and convince the pair of them to go on a date or go for a walk at least. How was he going to keep up this friends thing when just watching her talk to Charlie was driving him insane?

He had been the one to tell her to move on. But he hadn't taken into account just how difficult that was going to be.

" why don't you go and talk to her "

" absolutely not. She's with her friend. I don't want to interrupt " Sirius rolled his eyes and waved his hand toward Remus in some gesture of defeat " you don't help yourself do you " maybe he didn't. But he was trying, _fighting_ , to follow his better judgement and let her go. Let her move on and fall in love with Charlie and have a nice and stable life.

Maybe he should arrange a meeting with Alastor and get his missions altered again. Maybe he could take on some of the long haul ones, as far away from London as he could get. He needed her to move on, but he couldn't sit around and watch it. He'd rather go galivanting with werewolves than sit and watch her fall in love with someone else.

" oh, turn this one up Fred I like this one! " he watched as she pulled Charlie into a slight emptier space and started dancing with him in that chaotic way she always did, limbs flying everywhere, her hair flipping around her shoulders and yanking at Charlie's arms to make him dance along.

He remembered her making him dance with her that night in the library when they had confessed their feelings to each other for the first time. And then how they had slow danced. How she had kissed him. How he had kissed her. But now his memories twisted and he could see her kissing Charlie in his head.

The jealousy was back again.

He could feel Sirius watching him, he wanted to leave. He wanted to get out. The room was starting to feel suffocating.

Molly strategically changed the song to a much slower one as soon as the upbeat one finished. He watched as Nymphadora groaned but flung her arms over Charlie's shoulders with a grin.

" Molly doesn't know about you and her. She wouldn't be doing this if she did. Fucking talk to her " Remus had had enough. He wanted her to move on, no he needed her to move on. But he couldn't watch it, he couldn't bare it.

He got up from his seat and made a hasty walk towards the doorway and up the stairs, no one seemed to notice him go. He headed straight for the library, his only real sanctuary in the house, and rummaged around the desk for his cigarettes. There was only one left, clearly Sirius had been at them again, but he pulled it out and slumped down onto the sofa. 

He shouldn't be getting jealous. He was in no position to be. But it all boiled down to the battle in his head again. The battle of what he wanted and what should be done. He wanted her safe, able to thrive in her career, live a happy and stable life. She couldn't have that with him. He couldn't offer her that. 

What could he offer her really? The loss of her job that she had worked so hard for? Making her a reject from society? Having her own family turn away from her? Pointing herself in danger each month? No money? A dilapidated cottage in the middle of no where? No means of supporting her in anyway? Oh and his _love?_ What a worthless and pointless thing to gain when compared to what she would lose.

He looked up at the ceiling, blowing smoke towards the peeling paint and almost laughed at himself. How pathetic to think she would want his love when it would cause her so much pain. He wanted her to be safe. To be secure. And he knew deep down he couldn't ever give her that. It would hurt, it did hurt. But he had to value her feelings above his own.

She was young. Naïve. She didn't know what she felt, she was simply confused because he had lead her on. How foolish of him.

" taking a break from being a miserable git downstairs to being a miserable git up here I see " he lifted his head and saw Nymphadora stood in the doorway, her arms folded over her chest.

He had to say she looked rather beautiful tonight, even when she was scowling at him. Seeing her in something other than skinny jeans for once was quite a nice change. He didn't feel like she'd appreciate the compliment now though.

" I'm not being miserable " he said and turned his attention back to the ceiling again " I'm just tired "

" tired means jealous now? "

" I am not jealous. I have nothing to be jealous of " she scoffed at that and took a step closer to him. He tried to act unbothered, brought his cigarette to his lips again. But he never really had been good at lying to her. She had an almost unnerving knack of being able to see right through him, know what he was thinking, know when he was lying to her.

" you are. And it's ridiculous. you're being ridiculous. You have no right to be jealous, _you_ broke up with _me._ Not the other way around. You have _no right._ These mixed signals are sending me round the twist. And honestly it's fucking ridiculous anyway, there is absolutely nothing going on with me and Charlie. He's in a pretty committed love affair with his dragons " she was angry. She wanted to argue. He could read her too, see through her too. Though honestly she was much more open with her feelings. She wore her heart on her sleeve for everyone to see.

Maybe that was why she had followed him upstairs. She was still mad at him and she wanted to argue, to make him say something. Break and speak the truth to her. He had to force himself not to. He couldn't.

" I wouldn't care if there was anything going on. You're a free woman and this is a free country. You may fall in love with whomever you want to, Charlie or anyone else. I don't care " he lied, trying to be as convincing as he could be. Though he was barely convincing himself.

" is that true? Really? "

" yes " he lied again, standing up to crush the remains of his cigarette into the ashtray on the desk.

" I don't believe you "

" that's up to you " she gave a bitter laugh and ran a hand through her navy hair.

" you make me wish I could hate you. You make me wish i could move on, with Charlie or anyone "

" then move on. That's what I want you to do " he lied again. He wanted her to believe him even though it hurt, because she had to move on. She deserved better. So much better than him. She had to.

" look me in the eye now and tell me you don't feel something for me. Tell me. Now. Just you and me. Be fucking honest for once " she walked over to him, pulling at his arm to make him face her. he couldn't meet her eye. He couldn't. He found it hard enough to lie to her as it was, but to look her dead in the eye and lie right to her face felt impossible to do " come on "

" I can't " he said with a sigh, rubbing his hands across his face " I can't " she gave a small nod and stepped closer to him, getting in his space.

" your take on things is ridiculous " she said lowly. He couldn't tell her emotion, her face had gone blank. Unreadable.

" I know " he admitted, his eyes flittering down to her lips for just a second. Merlin he wanted to kiss her. _You're slipping. Don't slip. Stay strong_

" why did you break up with me " she asked, her voice worryingly calm.

" because it's for the best "

" is it? "

" yes "

" but is it what you want. Don't bloody lie to me Remus. Don't disrespect me so as to lie to me anymore " he closed his eyes for a minute. It was hard to lie when she was right in his face, those eyes pleading with him to do the decent thing and be honest with her.

She deserved the truth. She could have the truth. But it wouldn't change anything.

" no " he admitted. Of course it wasn't. What he wanted was her. And him. Together. He wanted to have a future with her. And right in that moment he simply wanted to kiss her silly. In an ideal world he could have that. But this was not an ideal world.

" well. What do you want " her tone of voice made his heart pick up and part of him wanted to hate her. Hate her for clouding what he knew was his better judgement just by being _her._ She sent his brain fuzzy, clouded his thoughts.

" you know what I want "

" yes "

" but we can't always have what we want in this life. Life isn't as fair as that. Life is unfair. It's cruel "

" it is. But life doesn't have one set course. This path may be unfair but you can change the road you walk down. And it may lead to things that are much more promising " _much more promising._ A future. Their future. She still wanted him. Even after he had been so awful to her. Even after he had tried to keep her away, tried to ignore his own feelings. Tried to get her to move on.

" such as? "

" you already know Remus. Choose your path " With that she stepped away from him and slipped out of the door, heading back down to the party. Remus couldn't move. He felt rooted to the spot. He wanted to chase after her, tell her he was so in love with her that it drove him mental, so in love that it scared the life out of him, so in love that seeing her with Charlie made his blood boil, so in love that he wanted to pull her back into that damned library and kiss her senseless , take her right up against the door.

_What had just happened._

He was being ridiculous. So ridiculous. He felt weak almost. For letting his true feelings and thoughts cloud the way he knew he should be thinking. Nymphadora deserved better than him. So much better. It didn't matter how much he wanted her. He couldn't have her. He couldn't.

_But she wants you._

+++++

A few days passed and he barely saw her. She'd spent the entirety of Sunday at the burrow, spending time with Charlie before he went back to his precious dragons. Monday she apparently had a long haul ministry mission in Ireland and by Friday there was still not a peep from her.

Even though he had spent weeks ignoring her and leaving a room when she entered, at least her presence was there. He'd still be able to hear her in another room or smell the lingering scent of her shampoo or perfume wherever she went. So he thought he'd be used to it. But it was quite unsettling. Grimmauld place felt too quiet. Of course members of the order would come and ago 24/7 but Tonks just had something a little _different._

If he wasn't moping because she wasn't there to crash into something he was worrying about her well-being. Being an auror was a dangerous job. And to not here from her for so long wasn't sitting right with him. He knew she was probably fine. She was talented, unbelievably talented, with magic. She'd be fine. She was fine. She was probably just simply too busy to write.

On top of all of that he was still thinking about what she'd said to him in the library. To choose his path. He'd never really realised that he had a choice. That he was free to choose and didn't have to just spend his entire life strolling down what his head told him to do. He could actually listen to his heart. What it wanted. Who it wanted. But trying to shut his head up was the difficult part.

He also knew that Sirius was right, she'd move on eventually. If he didn't act he really would lose her. His head knew that was what should be done. He had to let her move on. But his heart pained at the thought. If this had happened outside of the war he'd simply have just pitched up and moved away from her and the order. So he didn't have to see her again, so he could just let her live the life she deserved without him. But this was a war. He was needed here. And he faced the prospect of being killed with everyday that passed and time was being wasted.

It was a lot to try and figure out, which annoyed him because he'd always prided himself on being quite knowledgeable. But his knowledge was failing him.

The thing he had come to realise though was that removing himself from Nymphadoras life to make her move on, really had been as futile as she'd said. Because here he was without her and all he could do was pine for her. He simply felt as if rather than forgetting her, he was remembering more things to fill the gap of the temporary absence of her. He was reading in the library and remembered how she seemed to like watching him. Or drinking a mug of tea and remembering how they'd gotten into the habit of sharing one during meetings. Or finding a stray Hufflepuff sock under his bed.

It was driving him mental. She was driving him mental.

He hadn't meant to fall in love. War wasn't a time for love. But he had. And it was scarier than any war, any creature he'd ever faced. Because even in his attempts to distance himself, she was still giving him purpose. She was giving him the motivation to actually get through a second war. And he hadn't even really realised it.

It was hopeless. Completely and utterly hopeless.

By the following Monday she was still away and the full moon had made another appearance. It had been as hellish as always but as he apparted back to London at the crack of dawn, he realised maybe this was even more so. Because she wouldn't be there to heal him when he got back.

Of course he knew how to do it himself, Blimey he'd had enough practice, but he'd started to quite like sitting there with her. It made him feel more normal. Like he hadn't just spent the night as a vicious creature. She kept him calm and having someone actually care for him, he had found, was better than any healing potions. Because she treated him like a human being. Wasn't repulsed by him or the injuries he had inflicted upon himself. She simply treated him as someone normal.

As he righted himself after a rather wobbly landing, he took a moment to just stand in the small court garden. He leant against a tree, trying to stop his head spinning for a moment and looked up at the winter sun as it started to peak through some clouds.

Nymphadora had once told him she looked up when she was anxious or overwhelmed. He'd unconsciously started doing the same. Maybe more so because he simply found it nice to look at, granted himself that luxury of having something wonderful in the midst of a war.

Just like Nymphadora herself maybe.

He made his way through the court garden and came to a stop at the gate, planning to simply check for muggles. But was surprised to see Nymphadora sat on the doorstep. She didn't seem to have seen him yet, she was pulling at a thread on the blanket she always gave him And there was steady stream of snowflakes falling around her.

London had been granted with a fine smattering of snow over the last few days as Christmas drew nearer, but these flakes seemed only to be falling upon her. He wondered if Sirius had done it.

" snow? " he asked as he got closer to her, taking in the snow fall.

" oh. Wotcher. didn't hear you apparate in " she stood up and the snow slowly vanished, so it wasn't Sirius. He had read once that metamorphmagi often created emotional magic. Their entire metamorphic abilities were based on emotions, so therefore their magic was too. But he'd never seen it. He had never seen her do it before, but the spell clearly wasn't from someone else since she had stopped it herself. And he didn't think she was in the habit of just casting herself a snow cloud. He wondered what emotion was creating snow for her. she wrapped the blanket around him and was ushering him inside before he could ask her " c'mon. Inside. It's chilly out "

She had all of her usual supplies waiting for him in kitchen and after leading him down the stairs, she sat him down at the table and got straight to work.

" need me to talk? "

" if you wouldn't mind " he asked, this moon hadn't been so bad in all accounts. He simply just needed to hear her voice after it being so absent for so long " tell me about your ministry mission? "

" was a bit boring. A town in Ireland has been seeing increasingly large numbers of attacks, we were simply on guard duty. Nothing exciting. Couple of arrests. Only one was actually useful.... it's bloody freezing in Ireland this time of year. Won't be going back anytime soon I tell you " he knew straight away the attacks she were talking about were werewolf attacks. The rumours that Greyback was trying to rebuild the army he had once had were rife. He was most likely under Voldemort's control now.

" maybe if you dressed for the weather..." she gave a small laugh as she carefully removed his shirt and started healing some bruises he'd picked up on his back.

" I was I'll have you know. It was that or perish in the wind. Had my quidditch jumper and your cardi on at one point. Telling you it was bitter " he couldn't help but give a small smile at the knowledge she still had his cardigan.

" you still have it? "

" course " she moved round to his front and picked up her bottle of Essence of Dittany, frowning a little and holding it to the light to see how much was left " have to pick some more of this up. Not much left " she said mostly to herself and pulled out the dropper, dropping a couple of droplets onto a wound on his chest.

" it doesn't do much for cursed wounds. I wouldn't bother "

" but it helps a little. And that's better than nothing. All this time I've been fixing you up after moons now and you still haven't got it in your head have you? Let people care for you a bit. Let _me_ " it was still a little baffling that she did want to help him. He still wasn't used to it. He wondered if he ever would be.

" fancy a cuppa? " she asked as she finished up, waving her hand so that a fresh white bandage wrapped itself around his upper arm. Her healing skills hadn't been fantastic at first. But she'd improved a great deal, able to do most of it both wandless and non verbally.

She stood up from the table as Remus pulled his shirt back on, packing away her healing things before grabbing two mugs from the cabinet.

" yes thank you.....I wasn't expecting you to be waiting for me today " he said as she winced, burning her hand on the side of the hot mug.

" Sirius is passed out again. I didn't want you to have to do this on your own " he didn't say that he had done it for years on his own. He could take care of himself. But he was more than grateful for her being there.

" thank you "

" don't mention it " She placed down the mug in front of him and sat herself down across from him, rather than next to him. She looked tired again and he wondered if she'd slept at all.

" when did you get back? "

" about 3 hours before you. Came straight here. Good timing right? Was a bit worried I might miss it. The moon I mean " she was worried she'd miss the full moon. Worried she'd miss him. Not be there for him. Even after all he'd done.

" you should go to bed, you must be tired " she did that thing that she always did, waving her hand as if he'd suggested something completely ridiculous.

" you too. Or I could run you a bath? Know it helps with your aches and that. Charm the bandages to be waterproof and you'll be good to go " he didn't know why but that felt intimate. It wasn't like she wouldn't join him, but still. It felt intimate. Which was ridiculous really. But he didn't feel like he deserved that now.

" no. Thank you " she gave a small nod and things felt awkward. It was his fault of course. He'd made it that way.

" what was the snow about? " he asked, trying to change the subject. she shrugged and downed the rest of her tea.

" happens on it own sometimes. When my emotions are a bit all over the place. It's no big deal " so she was feeling as scattered as he was. He wondered if she had been thinking of him whilst she was away, like he had been thinking of her.

" what's on your mind? " he tried to sound casual about it, avoided her eyes as he asked and instead pretended to be unbelievably interested in a chip in the table.

" better to ask me what's not " she laughed after she said it but it didn't completely sound like she was joking about it " lot going on at the ministry still. Constantly worrying about my parents. Then of course there you, that's just the cherry on top of the shit cake " he's eyes darted up to meet hers at that

" I'm sorry "

" wish you'd just stop apologising for everything and _do_ something " he didn't know what to say to that. He still hadn't quite come to an agreement with himself of what he actually _wanted_ to do. Well, tell a lie, he did know what he wanted. Rather he was trying to agree what it was he _should_ do. Follow his heart or his head.

" what do you want me to do though Nymphadora? Because I'm at a loss with the whole thing myself " she raised an eyebrow before shrugging and leaning forward onto the table.

" I want you to stop trying to take the moral high ground and actually do what you want to do for once. And not what you think you should be doing " there was a tension growing in the air, he could feel it " we could be struck dead any day at the minute. These aren't the times to be taking the path you think is right even though it's not what you really want " there she went with her paths again. He, quite frankly, had felt at a crossroads ever since she'd told him to choose a path in the library. Unsure of which way he should go.

" you already know my thoughts on us. My real thoughts " she gave a small nod.

" I do. But I think you need to hear yourself say it because it's like you don't really know them yourself Remus " the way she was looking at him was among the tension grow. It was growing stronger by the second, one of them was bound to snap at any moment. Quite frankly he was ready to dive over the table and kiss her like he'd been thinking about ever since he'd broken up with her. But there was that damned voice in his head again telling him that he shouldn't.

She stood up from her seat then and tossed her mug into the sink, he found himself standing up too almost worried she was about to leave. But she instead came to stand in front of him, looking up at him and folding her arms across her chest.

" I just wanted to ask you something "

" okay " he said, his voice coming out a little shaky. The tension felt almost mind numbing now she was so close. He was being ridiculous.

" if you want me to move on why were you so jealous at Charlie's party? Because you were weren't you? Jealous?"

" yes " he said immediately, almost unable to control his words. Merlin he wanted to kiss her.

" do you know what I think about that Remus? Do you? " he shook his head slightly " I think that it shows you don't really want me to move on. Not really. You're a really crap liar. Do you want me to move on? "

" yes " _no_

 _"_ really? "

" no. But it's against my better judgement. You go against my better judgement " she gave another small nod and tilted her head to the side slightly.

" sounds exciting "

" it's terrifying " he confessed. He didn't know where this was heading and blamed his scattered brain even though he felt like he was thinking perfectly clearly for the first time in weeks.

" life would be boring without a bit of fear. Don't you think? " she said with a small shrug of her shoulders and finally, as he guessed, one of them finally snapped. He snapped.

" absolutely " He grabbed her face in his hands and pulled her in for a kiss. His aching joints protested at the sudden movement but he ignored his pain because _Merlin_ it felt good to kiss her again.

She didn't hesitate for even a second before kissing him back, like she'd expected him to do it. Maybe she had. She always seemed to guess what he'd do before he did it. He found himself pushing her towards the table and she hopped up onto it without parting her lips from his for even a second.

Neither of them spoke and he waved his hand towards the kitchen door, slamming it shut and the lock clicked closed. She was tugging at his shirt but her hands were gentle as soon as she had it off, still as rushed as his own hands were, but careful not to touch any of his bandages.

His body was screaming at him in a mixture of pain and want. But the want was over powering anything else and he let her rid him of his clothes, making quick work of hers too. He thought of nothing else but her as she buried her face in his shoulder, rocking into her roughly, gripping onto her thighs. He'd regret this after, he knew it. But in that present moment hearing her heavy breaths as she tried to stifle any noise with her hand was enough to make him forget.

It was a little awkward afterwards. Neither of them speaking still, redressing in silence as if what they had just done hadn't really happened. _It shouldn't have_ the voice niggling in the back of his head said. Maybe it was right.

" that was- "

" yeah. I know. A mistake " she cut him off, not looking at him as she buttoned up her jeans. He had gone and made things worse now clearly. He wanted to slam his head against the wall for being so stupid and reckless, for letting himself become weak around her _again_ " let's just. Forget it happened yeah? "

Part of him didn't want to. The part of him that had done it in the first place, the part of him that was trying to scream out over his stupid better judgement. It was starting to win. Starting to push through. But maybe it had come though too late now.

" yes. Okay " she scratched the back of her head awkwardly, before ruffling her bubblegum pink spikes and heading for the door

" right. Well. Should be getting home. Knackered I am " she gave a small laugh but it felt false. He didn't stop her as she left and he couldn't help but wonder if she was not just walking out of Grimmauld place, but out of his future too. Had he ruined things? Maybe. How stupid had he been to finally realise what he wanted was a future with her, better judgement be damned, when she might have already left him in her past.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> two chaps today! hope you liked them.. comments would be lovely! and as always feel free to come talk to me on tumblr if you have any questions @ messrmoonyy

**Author's Note:**

> im messrmoonyy on tumblr!


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